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So, hey guys. I've been married for 3 years only (4 together) and my husband has no interest in sex with me. We already talked about it so many times. I asked if he was gay and he said he's not. I asked if he is attracted to me and he said he is. We have no children and both of our bodies are still the same. I suggested sex therapy, marriage counseling, going to lovers (sex shop), watching porn, etc etc and he always says no, that we don't need that. And yet, we have sex less than once a month and it seems like it's ok with him.

He got his testosterone levels checked and it is all normal.

Besides the sex life, he's the best husband I could ask for. He's loving, cares for me, does anything for me actually, except improve our sex life.

I caught myself thinking that I don't wanna live like this forever and caught myself thinking of other guys. I don't know what to do. Please don't advice divorce out of the bat because I love him very much and the only issue is the sex. Divorcing is not a option right now. In the future, maybe, but not right now.

What do you think I should do? I am afraid of asking him for me to have sex with other guys and offend him. And I don't want to cheat on him because even though he sexually deserves being cheated on, he doesn't deserve being personally cheated on. I don't wanna hurt his feeling but I don't know for how long I can take this.

We also have a good relationship, we talk, laugh, hug, cuddle... So yeah, I don't know what to do anymore.
 

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I do think that you need to sit him down and tell him that you are deeply unhappy about this situation and that unless something changes you can't see the marriage lasting. Say that you are requesting marriage counselling at the very least to start with to begin changes. He needs to know how serious this is.

OH and BTW are you sure that his sexual energies aren't all going onto masturbation to porn? Many men cant have or enjoy normal healthy sex if they do that.
 

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So, hey guys. I've been married for 3 years only (4 together) and my husband has no interest in sex with me. We already talked about it so many times. I asked if he was gay and he said he's not. I asked if he is attracted to me and he said he is. We have no children and both of our bodies are still the same. I suggested sex therapy, marriage counseling, going to lovers (sex shop), watching porn, etc etc and he always says no, that we don't need that. And yet, we have sex less than once a month and it seems like it's ok with him.

He got his testosterone levels checked and it is all normal.

Besides the sex life, he's the best husband I could ask for. He's loving, cares for me, does anything for me actually, except improve our sex life.

I caught myself thinking that I don't wanna live like this forever and caught myself thinking of other guys. I don't know what to do. Please don't advice divorce out of the bat because I love him very much and the only issue is the sex. Divorcing is not a option right now. In the future, maybe, but not right now.

What do you think I should do? I am afraid of asking him for me to have sex with other guys and offend him. And I don't want to cheat on him because even though he sexually deserves being cheated on, he doesn't deserve being personally cheated on. I don't wanna hurt his feeling but I don't know for how long I can take this.
You will only set your value to your husband to zero if you cheat.
He might be asexual.
Google it!

"asexual individuals may still experience attraction
but this attraction doesn't need to be realized in any sexual manner"
 

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So, hey guys. I've been married for 3 years only (4 together) and my husband has no interest in sex with me. We already talked about it so many times. I asked if he was gay and he said he's not. I asked if he is attracted to me and he said he is. We have no children and both of our bodies are still the same. I suggested sex therapy, marriage counseling, going to lovers (sex shop), watching porn, etc etc and he always says no, that we don't need that. And yet, we have sex less than once a month and it seems like it's ok with him.

He got his testosterone levels checked and it is all normal.

Besides the sex life, he's the best husband I could ask for. He's loving, cares for me, does anything for me actually, except improve our sex life.

I caught myself thinking that I don't wanna live like this forever and caught myself thinking of other guys. I don't know what to do. Please don't advice divorce out of the bat because I love him very much and the only issue is the sex. Divorcing is not a option right now. In the future, maybe, but not right now.

What do you think I should do? I am afraid of asking him for me to have sex with other guys and offend him. And I don't want to cheat on him because even though he sexually deserves being cheated on, he doesn't deserve being personally cheated on. I don't wanna hurt his feeling but I don't know for how long I can take this.

We also have a good relationship, we talk, laugh, hug, cuddle... So yeah, I don't know what to do anymore.

Just like Diana7 said, I think it's time to switch the conversation from "Why?" to "This Needs to Change", and HOW.
Has he always been uninterested in sex, or did it just start?
 

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If his testosterone levels are checked and he is not angry at you, there are only a few potential reasons:

-He is depressed. Depression kills male's libido.

-He suffers from erectile dysfunction or other kinds of sexual dysfunction. He might avoid sex because of fear of failure.

-He doesn't enjoy sex with you. Maybe he is a porn addict because he falls in some kind of fantasies. Or he doesn't see that you enjoying sex with him.
 

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I suggested sex therapy, marriage counseling, going to lovers (sex shop), watching porn, etc etc and he always says no, that we don't need that. And yet, we have sex less than once a month and it seems like it's ok with him.
You need to revisit this conversation ASAP. The longer this goes on, you will grow resentful, and this will destroy your marriage if this issue is allowed to fester. You have to tell him that, point-blank. His refusal to acknowledge that there is a problem in your marriage is akin to him burying his head in the sand and hoping that this problem will go on its own, and that never works. You have been trying his way ("not needing any of that"), and it clearly is NOT working, and if he wants to stay married to you, he needs to work with you to fix this problem--he needs to be an active partner in this marriage. Even if he doesn't see this as a problem, if you see this as a problem, then it IS a problem. His refusal to acknowledge it doesn't mean it isn't real, and if he doesn't take your concerns seriously, then he's not being a good partner to you and this may not be a marriage worth saving.

Sometimes, if you want to save your marriage, you have to be willing to risk losing it.

ETA: If he still refuses to see a therapist, you should at least go to see one on your own. It will help you sort out your own feelings and figure out how you can move forward. With or without him.

But the question is, if he still refuses, are you really ok with living in a sexless marriage? It's once a month now, and if the two of you do nothing, it will become once every other month... and then once every sex months. Could you really be happy staying in a marriage like that?


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I suffer with a similar situation, so I am just dropping in to say I empathize and how much it SUCKS. I am crazy in love with mine too....
Me, too, on the empathy part. I was in a marriage like this, and it was incredibly painful, and caused a lot of emotional and psychological damage (to myself) that I had to clean up and repair (on my own) after we split... because my partner wasn't willing to do the work to fix the problem. Much like the OP's husband. It is a horrible situation to be in.
 

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As was I - for 20 years.

I can't imagine not thinking this is a very serious issue.


Me, too, on the empathy part. I was in a marriage like this, and it was incredibly painful, and caused a lot of emotional and psychological damage (to myself) that I had to clean up and repair (on my own) after we split... because my partner wasn't willing to do the work to fix the problem. Much like the OP's husband. It is a horrible situation to be in.
 

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Discussion Starter #11
Thank you all for the answers. They are helping me to get some sense out of this. Do you think I should show him this post? Because I am so tired of talking about this with him and nothing changes.
 

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Because I am so tired of talking about this with him and nothing changes.
Unless you change things nothing will ever change.

Sometimes, if you want to save your marriage, you have to be willing to risk losing it.
It’s scary, but true. It’s a big risk, and you gotta mean it, but you’ll get the fight answer. BTDT.
 

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Take a look at asexuality.org He may or may not be asexual but you will find a lot of input there.

For most people sex is extremely important in marriage. Its not some small thing to be ignored.

You have my sympathy as well, I've been in a >30 year nearly sexless marriage. Others have as well. I think the key is to understand what is going on no, not just wait for it to get better - there is a good chance it will never get better by itself.

Its almost certainly nothing to do with you, but something about him.

As others said, do not have children until you are sure you are happy this way. Far too often in this sort of situation there will be sex until the woman is pregnant, then almost never again.

feel free to PM me or others if you want.
 

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If you gave him a book about it, would he read it? I thought “The

Sex Starved Marriage” was good, but both people need to read it!
I don't want to put words in the OP's mouth, but given his refusal to do anything else up to this point, I doubt he would read a book. But it's worth a shot.

Excellent book recommendation. I endorse.

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You will only set your value to your husband to zero if you cheat.
He might be asexual.
Google it!

"asexual individuals may still experience attraction
but this attraction doesn't need to be realized in any sexual manner"
I agree with this. Look up asexual on Wikipedia and go from there.
 

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He is probably taking care of business in the shower or with porn. He is just not willing to tell you. Trust your gut. No sex after 4 years is not normal for a healthy man with normal testosterone levels.

You have more problems than just no sex, you just don't know what they are yet, because like the sex issue, he is hiding his real life from you.

My first husband withheld sex because he had an STD he didn't want to give me. I had no idea, I just felt rejected.

My second husban withheld sex because he didn't want the emotional connection. He's working on that, but I don't trust or need him anymore after being held at arm's length for so many years.

Your husband is not asexual. He is hiding something from you.
 

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This is exactly how it was in my marriage!

My ex-husband was very good at hiding who he really was, so I didn't even learn about the pornography until the end of our marriage.

I was the one always trying to fix the lack of sex, and he was the one blocking any sort of progress.


He is probably taking care of business in the shower or with porn. He is just not willing to tell you. Trust your gut. No sex after 4 years is not normal for a healthy man with normal testosterone levels.

You have more problems than just no sex, you just don't know what they are yet, because like the sex issue, he is hiding his real life from you.

My first husband withheld sex because he had an STD he didn't want to give me. I had no idea, I just felt rejected.

My second husban withheld sex because he didn't want the emotional connection. He's working on that, but I don't trust or need him anymore after being held at arm's length for so many years.

Your husband is not asexual. He is hiding something from you.
 

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This is exactly how it was in my marriage!

My ex-husband was very good at hiding who he really was, so I didn't even learn about the pornography until the end of our marriage.

I was the one always trying to fix the lack of sex, and he was the one blocking any sort of progress.
Just like my marriage, too.

OP, we're not making your thread about us and our stuff. We are examples that you can learn from. It's likely not just sex--it's likely a symptom of a larger problem in your marriage.

And that's why he is refusing counseling, because he knows that counseling will unearth whatever that problem is.

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Agreed.

My ex-husband was very much like you've described yours in your opening post, and yet he was very passive aggressive. Once we were separated and divorced, he became much more openly aggressive.


OP, we're not making your thread about us and our stuff. We are examples that you can learn from. It's likely not just sex--it's likely a symptom of a larger problem in your marriage.
 
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