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Brief back ground married for 22 years and my wife informed me she was having an affair with someone from work, it had started as friends but became closer over a couple of years before moving to physical at the end of April. Then she spent 6 weeks deciding what to do, was it real and such. She actually told me on our daughters 18th birthday, I think the AP's wife had found out and my wife was forced to tell me.
After that told her I wanted to work things out, we have 2 kids 18 and 20 and it would be better to try. She was undecided and wanted time to think, so we spent the next 4 weeks living in the same house, it did cause arguments before she needed space and moved into her parents. She did admit she needed to speak to the AP but it would be just talking. She was still visiting us at home and spending days with us. But I now realise that moving to her parents just gave her the opportunity to spend more time with him, because she wasn't at home so was free to do as she pleased. Throughout this she has always said she loved me and she didn't know what to do for the best, she really missed the children and she was really struggling.
4 weeks she told us she wasn't coming home, I still had hope, don't know why but I do love her. I have tried no contact and am OK for days at a time and then she will contact me and we meet and I go back to square, texting, ringing for a few days until I get past it. I saw her last week to discuss our youngest going to uni as it very much me dealing with it all at present, my 20 year old hasn't spoken to her for 5 weeks now. During that meeting she did say she was moving in to a rented house and it would be with him, she needed to know if it was the biggest mistake of her life but couldn't know until she did it. It is like all the pain is not enough, she needs to add another layer and make it more difficult for all of us.

I am very much lost at the moment the pain at times is unbearable and I flick from disgust at her actions and selfishness to wanting her back to try again. I do think she is basing all decisions on emotions at the moment not logic and she will regret this for the rest of life and will lose so much. It is so sad she won't see it.

What do I do?

That’s the best advice!
 

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Yeah I was remembering who she was because I can’t believe a person can totally change their character so much. But then I don’t recognise her now and her actions show me she has no concern for my feelings and the kids are not a priority so she has totally changed. Life sucks
that's where this site/forum helped me ..... many people chimed in, anonymous, and they all said the same thing pretty much ... this happens. Often. Men and Women lose their minds, they lose who they are, they choose selfishness and greed and excitement and lust and throw everything away for it

I call that sin - and satan is exceptionally good at it ... remember, its not about destroying you or her ... sin is about destroying dozens of connections and adultery is a master at that

your kids will be impacts, your closest relatives and friend - in-laws and the relationships build on years and years will dissolve ... I think of it as a pool of water. You are where the rock dropped. The first wave of that is your kids, the second wave hits your family, then your close friend and the waves continue

Spoken like someone that hasn’t been through this. If feelings and emotions don’t make me a real man, then I don’t want to be. I know I have played some of this wrong but it isn’t black and white.
And as for the AP he certainly isn’t a man he is a short little selfish twat that no one likes. The grass won’t be greener and their world will come crashing down. I take my solace in that now.

Life doesn't suck

What happened to you sucked, and you lived. You might have had a hand in cracking the plate ... but she threw it against the wall and shattered it. Big difference.

It sounds to me like you know who you are - that's a good thing to know. Going through what you have will redefine you. I said before, your wife died in a sense, no longer who she once was. You want the reality ?

You died too. Who you were is gone. It'll be 4 years for me come Mat 2nd 2023 ..... a day I'll never forget. I did however, forget my ex's birthday a few weeks back. I was very proud of that ..... but I still think of her daily and the wrong's done.

solace ........ she's a liar, a cheater, likely manipulative and loves her sin. That's a huge scarlet letter to carry the rest of her life. I don't know how they bear it to be honest .... and the AP? He knows she's a liar and a cheat, he'll always know what she is deep down and truthfully, nobody wants anyone like that. Oh for a short time, all that excitement and cheating is so fun ... reality will catch up.

Choose your new life now - its yours and nobody elses
 

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The timing of this happening as your last child leaves the house is suspect to me... like this was a planned exit affair... which may have been going on for while.
yep mine was the same

often you can look back at an incident that happened - that planted the seed of leaving- for mine, it was her Dad dying in 2012

for 7 years she planned, schemed, lied, manipulated and used me ... a long play, an elaborate plan. I don't think she planned in specifics as far as who, when, time/day .... but she knew she was going to leave

thing is, I could have been single at 42 vs single at 50, I feel robbed of 7-8 years of my life




but I agree, it was pre-planned at some level
 

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Discussion Starter · #126 ·
The timing of this happening as your last child leaves the house is suspect to me... like this was a planned exit affair... which may have been going on for while.
We do still have a child at home although she is 20 and has her own life. But she is still here with me. So that 100% of being in their life has gone down to 10% if she is lucky.
 

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Spoken like someone that hasn’t been through this. If feelings and emotions don’t make me a real man, then I don’t want to be. I know I have played some of this wrong but it isn’t black and white.
And as for the AP he certainly isn’t a man he is a short little selfish twat that no one likes. The grass won’t be greener and their world will come crashing down. I take my solace in that now.

You can still make something better of your life than you ever thought possible. You will not hurt like this forever…And perhaps one day, you will find you no longer care about her world, you’re just happy you’re no longer in it. It seems impossible, but you will be better than ok. Just get through this season of pain and one day you will wake up and have hope for your own life again.
 

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Discussion Starter · #128 ·
Another quick update no contact from me for a couple of weeks but now she texts that she wants to come and get more stuff out of the house knowing I am at work. Told her no but she is coming anyway. I do not want to see her at all talked to my daughter about it she does need to speak to her and tell how she feels and needs space so she will be in to see her and monitor what she takes. Mental how has my life become this in the pay few months.
 

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Another quick update no contact from me for a couple of weeks but now she texts that she wants to come and get more stuff out of the house knowing I am at work. Told her no but she is coming anyway. I do not want to see her at all talked to my daughter about it she does need to speak to her and tell how she feels and needs space so she will be in to see her and monitor what she takes. Mental how has my life become this in the pay few months.
Why does she get to take things? Do you two have an agreement? If not, might be time for authorities / attornies to be involved.
 

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Don't know how it works in the UK, but I would not allow her to take anything but personal items from the house at this point (clothing, medication, ect). I would pack up all her personal things and leave them outside or rent a storage space pay a few months on it and give her the keys. She can take them without bothering you.

She is using your house as a storage space and another way to manipulate you and your daughter.
 

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Why does she get to take things? Do you two have an agreement? If not, might be time for authorities / attornies to be involved.
He's in England. A wife there can do anything she ****ing wants and the husband has to suck it up.

Groucho why not rent a storage space for one month and put all her belongings in it? Have your daughter hand her the key.
 

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Discussion Starter · #135 ·
She came on Sunday and took her belongings, clothes and such also a few lamps and other ornaments. The weird stuff was plates, pans, cups she is literally starting a new home with all our memories. We have 4 place mats on a coffee table with each of our initials on and she took her initial and left the other 3. Strange!
She also sent a list of larger items she wants which included our duvet! Again very weird why would you want to sleep under a duvet we have shared in bed together for the last couple of years. She also wanted the camcorder videos we have of our children growing up. Both these things she will not be getting they stay in the family home with the family!!
I actually think she has lost her mind at the moment with her actions and requests.
 

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Thanks for all your comments, I am no longer trying to “win her back’ that ship has sailed but I did spend several weeks doing that, to try and keep the family together. Subsequently I have found out what her plans are now and realise I need to concentrate on the girls and I. I have maybe played this all wrong but as some have said there is no manual.
All your support and comments are appreciated.
Doing the pick me dance always works against you. It may seem logical because most are in shock.
The reality is it makes you look weak and unattractive while making the new boyfriend look ever better. He doesn’t have to beg.
Limbo is a self imposed state.
 

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She came on Sunday and took her belongings, clothes and such also a few lamps and other ornaments. The weird stuff was plates, pans, cups she is literally starting a new home with all our memories. We have 4 place mats on a coffee table with each of our initials on and she took her initial and left the other 3. Strange!
She also sent a list of larger items she wants which included our duvet! Again very weird why would you want to sleep under a duvet we have shared in bed together for the last couple of years. She also wanted the camcorder videos we have of our children growing up. Both these things she will not be getting they stay in the family home with the family!!
I actually think she has lost her mind at the moment with her actions and requests.
Nope, she’s knows exactly what she’s doing or she wouldn’t be doing it. You still don’t get it. This is who she is.
A friend of mine said the hardest thing for him was accepting his x was just a typical cheater. Nothing special at all. Dims a dozen. They all follow a similar path.
 

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We do still have a child at home although she is 20 and has her own life. But she is still here with me. So that 100% of being in their life has gone down to 10% if she is lucky.
She doesn’t care. That’s how you think. It’s obviously not how she thinks. Her actions tell you that.
 

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She came on Sunday and took her belongings, clothes and such also a few lamps and other ornaments. The weird stuff was plates, pans, cups she is literally starting a new home with all our memories. We have 4 place mats on a coffee table with each of our initials on and she took her initial and left the other 3. Strange!
She also sent a list of larger items she wants which included our duvet! Again very weird why would you want to sleep under a duvet we have shared in bed together for the last couple of years. She also wanted the camcorder videos we have of our children growing up. Both these things she will not be getting they stay in the family home with the family!!
I actually think she has lost her mind at the moment with her actions and requests.
How did you WW and daughters conversation go? Have you thought about moving on with your life without her in it. She seems do be doing the same. Might be time to close this chapter with her and build / create one with your daughters only and someone new.
 

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Discussion Starter · #140 ·
The conversation went ok she asked for space which is ironic because that’s what my wife wanted from me a couple of months ago but when I couldn’t do it she got mad. I am getting to a place where I have no choice but to move on she has made her choice, still hurts at points but I do know she is nothing like the women I knew a year ago, I don’t like her or her actions. Hard but true, it is amazing how a switch clicks, if I see her 10 steps back but when I don’t see her I am not bothered, in fact really dislike her. Sorry a polite Brit
 
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