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Discussion Starter · #101 ·
Thanks for all your comments, I am no longer trying to “win her back’ that ship has sailed but I did spend several weeks doing that, to try and keep the family together. Subsequently I have found out what her plans are now and realise I need to concentrate on the girls and I. I have maybe played this all wrong but as some have said there is no manual.
All your support and comments are appreciated.
 

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Thanks for all your comments, I am no longer trying to “win her back’ that ship has sailed but I did spend several weeks doing that, to try and keep the family together. Subsequently I have found out what her plans are now and realise I need to concentrate on the girls and I. I have maybe played this all wrong but as some have said there is no manual.
All your support and comments are appreciated.
This is not easy, not by a long shot. With your realization that trying to win her back is folley, your healing can begin.

What are you going to do today? Remember the list I gave you in my first comment, pick at least one item and take action on it or take one or more actions suggested by one of the other posters. Positive action for yourself, makes you feel better.

Why don't you just go to the bank, take 50% of all the funds in any joint accounts, open a new account in your own name and deposit it there? Cancel where possible or put a freeze to all credit cards and lines of credit you both have access to. That may be a place to start or pick another action from the list and do it.

Just do one thing like this for yourself today and plan the next thing to do for tomorrow, rinse and repeat. One step at a time.
 

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@Groucho People, well-meaning, kindly people, will often say "Oh! You mustn't poison the minds of your children against your Wayward Spouse! That would be wrong!"

This advice can cause a betrayed spouse to treat their WS too well and make children, family, friends, etc, think that they are perfectly OK with having their heart shattered and result in the WS being seen as a sort of hero or heroine in a sick romantic comedy, with the BS marginalised and left to rot.

**** that ****, Sir! Tell your daughters, their grandparents, other relatives and friends exactly what your wife has done, how she makes you feel.

Might be worth while speaking with the HR department at the hospital. After all, it's probably not the first or last time that the Affair Partner has done this kind of thing.
 

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If I was one of your kids, I'd be letting everyone on the moms side of the family know that condoning this affair and allowing that man around them is a Betrayal as well. I'd tell them that my mom cutting her AP out of her life, cutting out any friends that knew, and quitting her job is the bare minimum to ever be in my life again. And she will still have mountains to move after that. That I fully expect each and everyone of them to act the same. That they're behavior is unacceptable to me and I consider it a direct purposeful disrespect from them to me. That um drawing a line in the sand. That i fully expect them ALL to be no contact with my mom until she ends her affair or they all will no longer be in my life either.
 

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I am no longer trying to “win her back’ that ship has sailed but I did spend several weeks doing that, to try and keep the family together. S
Look, you can justify it all you want but know that in your situation when the betrayed partner says "I did it for the kids" or "to keep the family together" what it really means is that they did it because they want the cheating partner back.

And when words are "put in quotes" such as "win her back" it's a way of saying "I didn't really mean that" but in your case that's exactly what it means.

Anyway despite the denial and attempt to rationalize and validate the past behaviors, you seem to be gradually turning it around and appear to be slowly moving in the right direction.
 

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It takes time to process this stuff. Sadly every minute you drag your feet on divorcing her, the more tone she has to get her ducks in a row and screw you financially and regarding custody of kids when she divorced you. File first so you can control the court dates. Otherwise her attorney can have you taking off work snd going to court, just yo be told there’s a such abd such filed and the case is rescheduled, which can still happen but a littie less likely.
no Best to wise up and see your cheater as the enemy she really is now.
 

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FACT:
It`s obvious that the OP`s wife has no respect and not in love with her husband, probably never been in love with him. The worst part is, this deceitful woman has probably always been a cheating wife waiting to happen considering her total lack of compassion and lack of empathy towards the situation. Where these women are concerned it becomes all about them and their couldn`t give a rat`s behind attitudes. What good man wants to be with and support a wife who is willing to give herself up to another guy? What this woman`s husband has got is a parasite that’s been using him and then will screw him over by giving more of herself up to another guy than her husband.

Her husband is living with a soulless, lying, deceitful, non-compassionate woman, delusional, self-esteem deficient, morally bankrupt creature. The good husband will be broken because she has nothing to bring to the table except emotional turmoil. In addition, she also has great expectations he’ll take her back if her plan B fails and will provide the life she feels she deserves. All this while cheating with the other guy she really wants to be with. If this sounds like a good deal I`ll eat my head. I say to her husband, good luck with that if he takes her back.
Who would want live with someone that is not what she seems to be at face value, not truly your friend, and is just using you while seeking her jollies elsewhere, probably giving up more of herself to her new guy than she`s ever given to her husband, including not even a thought of the phychological damage this may bring on the children?
This is the deal one is getting when married to a cheater.
Sorry my friend, in situations such as this, divorce is the most viable option, although I do understand it`s a rotten deal.
 

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Discussion Starter · #108 ·
Look, you can justify it all you want but know that in your situation when the betrayed partner says "I did it for the kids" or "to keep the family together" what it really means is that they did it because they want the cheating partner back.

And when words are "put in quotes" such as "win her back" it's a way of saying "I didn't really mean that" but in your case that's exactly what it means.

Anyway despite the denial and attempt to rationalize and validate the past behaviors, you seem to be gradually turning it around and appear to be slowly moving in the right direction.
Probably true I was trying to keep the family together and part that of that family used to include my wife. She had cheated but at that point I still wanted to work it out.
That feeling has lessened as more is revealed and I wouldn’t take her back now. Time to concentrate on the girls and I.
 

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@Groucho People, well-meaning, kindly people, will often say "Oh! You mustn't poison the minds of your children against your Wayward Spouse! That would be wrong!"

This advice can cause a betrayed spouse to treat their WS too well and make children, family, friends, etc, think that they are perfectly OK with having their heart shattered and result in the WS being seen as a sort of hero or heroine in a sick romantic comedy, with the BS marginalised and left to rot.

** that **, Sir! Tell your daughters, their grandparents, other relatives and friends exactly what your wife has done, how she makes you feel.

Might be worth while speaking with the HR department at the hospital. After all, it's probably not the first or last time that the Affair Partner has done this kind of thing.
Well, I will make the well-meaning, kindly person argument. What your former wife has done is wrong. But its done, and she is still your children's mother. And as far as I am concerned, a parent's job is to look after their kids. The fact that she has dropped the ball on her responsibility does not make it ok for you to do the same.

You now have a lifetime of family events to get through. Graduations, weddings, grandkids, and so on. You will need to be able to handle those constructively for the sake of your kids. It's not fair, but its how life is.

I managed to sort out my marriage, so I never personally had to cross that bridge, but I have watched others cross it. My advice would be to neither excuse your former wife, nor talk her flaws up. Don't make a secret of what she has done, admit it was painful, but don't dwell on that. Your kids have a brain, they will work things out. Meantime, they have their own grieving to do, and their own loss to process. When the parents go to war, I've never seen a case where the kids did not become collateral damage in some way. And I've seen only one case where they chose to write a parent off in the long term.
 

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What do I do?

I was almost exactly where you are - search my story

Your wife isn't who she was. She's changed - now, family and vows mean nothing, your faith in her, your honesty and trust mean nothing. She used and abused and manipulated.

Your wife is dead - gone - replaced with this new person. Do you like her like she is now? Or are you remembering who she WAS ?

Figure an exit plan that gives you as much as you can - get a lawyer - get one with your life.
 

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Yeah I was remembering who she was because I can’t believe a person can totally change their character so much. But then I don’t recognise her now and her actions show me she has no concern for my feelings and the kids are not a priority so she has totally changed. Life sucks
I know of a couple of incidents in a hospital where very similar things happened, families were wrecked, etc.
 

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Discussion Starter · #113 ·
Quick update, got my daughter to uni and settled in. Was an ok day, my two daughters and I sorted it all out between us and faced it together.
My wife then texted to thank me for sorting everything. She has missed out on one of the biggest days of our daughters life and it just seems so matter of fact. I hope she is hurting.
 

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Quick update, got my daughter to uni and settled in. Was an ok day, my two daughters and I sorted it all out between us and faced it together.
My wife then texted to thank me for sorting everything. She has missed out on one of the biggest days of our daughters life and it just seems so matter of fact. I hope she is hurting.
The love of your children will forever be your reward for being the steadfast cornerstone of your family. Your wife will most likely not last with her AP, try to flit to another flower and then another, but soon will fall to the dirt in the shocking realization that Chronos has clipped the wings she so easily used to whiz herself away from those who would have treasured her ad-infinitum.
 

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Quick update, got my daughter to uni and settled in. Was an ok day, my two daughters and I sorted it all out between us and faced it together.
My wife then texted to thank me for sorting everything. She has missed out on one of the biggest days of our daughters life and it just seems so matter of fact. I hope she is hurting.
Why have you not blocked her?

I will suggest you set up a email just for communication between the two of you. Kids and financial necessities only. Block her on everything else.
 

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The love of your children will forever be your reward for being the steadfast cornerstone of your family. Your wife will most likely not last with her AP, try to flit to another flower and then another, but soon will fall to the dirt in the shocking realization that Chronos has clipped the wings she so easily used to whiz herself away from those who would have treasured her ad-infinitum.
Well put sir
 

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Why did you ask her to work on things? Why are you taking the "beta" position? Cheaters understand only strength and firmness. Reconciliation is the grace that a betrayed partner gives to a cheater.
Women do not respect and do not like weaklings. They love real men - tough and strong, principled and not allowing themselves to be insulted. That's probably why your wife chose AP. I'm sorry for the rude words. Your only answer to her disgusting act should be one: an immediate divorce. Then she will understand that she is not dealing with a doormat, but with a man.
 

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Discussion Starter · #120 ·
Why did you ask her to work on things? Why are you taking the "beta" position? Cheaters understand only strength and firmness. Reconciliation is the grace that a betrayed partner gives to a cheater.
Women do not respect and do not like weaklings. They love real men - tough and strong, principled and not allowing themselves to be insulted. That's probably why your wife chose AP. I'm sorry for the rude words. Your only answer to her disgusting act should be one: an immediate divorce. Then she will understand that she is not dealing with a doormat, but with a man.
Spoken like someone that hasn’t been through this. If feelings and emotions don’t make me a real man, then I don’t want to be. I know I have played some of this wrong but it isn’t black and white.
And as for the AP he certainly isn’t a man he is a short little selfish twat that no one likes. The grass won’t be greener and their world will come crashing down. I take my solace in that now.
 
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