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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Brief back ground married for 22 years and my wife informed me she was having an affair with someone from work, it had started as friends but became closer over a couple of years before moving to physical at the end of April. Then she spent 6 weeks deciding what to do, was it real and such. She actually told me on our daughters 18th birthday, I think the AP's wife had found out and my wife was forced to tell me.
After that told her I wanted to work things out, we have 2 kids 18 and 20 and it would be better to try. She was undecided and wanted time to think, so we spent the next 4 weeks living in the same house, it did cause arguments before she needed space and moved into her parents. She did admit she needed to speak to the AP but it would be just talking. She was still visiting us at home and spending days with us. But I now realise that moving to her parents just gave her the opportunity to spend more time with him, because she wasn't at home so was free to do as she pleased. Throughout this she has always said she loved me and she didn't know what to do for the best, she really missed the children and she was really struggling.
4 weeks she told us she wasn't coming home, I still had hope, don't know why but I do love her. I have tried no contact and am OK for days at a time and then she will contact me and we meet and I go back to square, texting, ringing for a few days until I get past it. I saw her last week to discuss our youngest going to uni as it very much me dealing with it all at present, my 20 year old hasn't spoken to her for 5 weeks now. During that meeting she did say she was moving in to a rented house and it would be with him, she needed to know if it was the biggest mistake of her life but couldn't know until she did it. It is like all the pain is not enough, she needs to add another layer and make it more difficult for all of us.

I am very much lost at the moment the pain at times is unbearable and I flick from disgust at her actions and selfishness to wanting her back to try again. I do think she is basing all decisions on emotions at the moment not logic and she will regret this for the rest of life and will lose so much. It is so sad she won't see it.

What do I do?
 

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What do I do?
Firstly, this hurts probably the worst pain you have ever faced and it is going to continue hurting for a time to come.

Unfortunately, this is also the time that in-spite of the hurt, you have to act and those actions will determine your entire future.

1) Realize your marriage is over, accept it. Even if you two somehow end up back together, your wife has taken a nuclear bomb to this marriage and it as it was will never be again.

2) Gather all evidence of the adultery you may have and collate it in a timeline fashion with proof that is easy for outsiders, family and friends to understand and form a picture from. Contact the other betrayed spouse (OBS) to fill in gaps as you need to. The purpose of this action will become clear later.

3) Go see a divorce lawyer and have her served. You already made the mistake of placing yourself as a fallback option after she confessed her affair. That was a weak action and made her see you as a weak man and made her lose whatever remaining respect she had for you, killing your chances of getting her back. At least by serving her and shutting the door on her now, she will realize that you do have a spine and she will gain a measure of respect back towards you.

If you are in an at fault state or legal district, the proof you have compiled in (2) above will become crucial as far as to limit your exposure in spousal- and / or child-support is concerned.

4) Get tested for STDs, you don't know where this POS Other Man (OM) or POSOM has been. Your wife has put your life at risk, perhaps permanently.

5) Expose, expose, expose. Lies fill the void in the presence of a vacuum and whomsoever gets their story out first garnishes the sympathy. You need the support of family and friends. To get that, they need to know the truth. Her parents need to know who they raised as well. Again, use the proof as compiled under step (2) above. She will also start spreading stories about what an awful husband you were to excuse her immoral and treacherous deeds.

6) Exercise, get rid of the frustration and toxins this stress has left you with. Get a punching bag and destroy it or run miles. Any exercise is a good thing for you at the moment.

7) Diet and drink. Eat well, drink water, stay clear of drugs and alcohol. You need to look after yourself now because you need your strength and faculties.

8) 180 and limited contact. Search for, read and implement a technique called the 180. It will help you detach. She has already moved, so a lot of it is already taken care of, but you need to limit contact only to matters pertaining your kids and a divorce. Ignore and shut down talk of everything else. No new contact = no new pain. Unfortunately with kids, you can only limit contact, not eradicate it totally.

9) Start living for you. Your wife is no longer your concern. Make sure every choice from now on benefits you and your kids without consideration to their mother. Your wife has already done the most selfish thing one can do in a marriage. Almost no choice you make (however selfish it may seem) can possibly top that.

Do these steps and give it some time. She might even come crawling back after a year or so, but by that time, you would realize that all she is offering you is the chance to waste the rest of your life with someone else's free escort and that simply isn't what any man wants in his life.

I find it worked best for me to have pretended that she had died. You would never have married an adulteress who would back stab you this way, would you? Well, she did and you did marry her because what she was is a fiction created in your own mind. She has now revealed to you who she really is, believe what her actions has told you. The fiction you have married has indeed died. Take time to mourn that fiction, because she was real enough to you. This thing that remained that walks like your wife and talks like your wife is no longer your wife, simply a residue of the virtuous fiction that passed away.

Good luck to you, @Groucho , the road ahead, for many miles to come, is not a happy one, but you have to walk it. Make sure every footfall you make now is deliberate and planned to carry you to a happier future.
 

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Discussion Starter · #4 ·
This is all totally out of character for her and everyone I have told can't believe she has done this, I have mentioned midlife crisis but she laughs it off, but she still can't explain why she did it, other than she has changed, she hasn't changed, but it helps her justify her actions.
 

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Everything you say I know, it is just so difficult to accept after 24 years together, so difficult to accept she can move on so quickly with no concern for my feelings or our girls, I keep telling myself I will get there but as you say the road ahead is a long and hard one.
If we could understand the mind of an adulteress, we would have known what to look for and never would have married one.

There is nothing to understand. The woman who you thought loved you no longer exists. Mourn who you thought you had and take steps to protect yourself against who she has become.

It's unfair, it's harsh, it hurts to the point of one feeling oneself breaking, but it is reality and there is no magic to change reality.

You cannot change her nor control her. You can only change and control yourself.

Unfortunately, the time to act coincides with the time you have been stabbed in the back and you are bleeding. The time to act is before you are bled dry.
 

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This is all totally out of character for her and everyone I have told can't believe she has done this, I have mentioned midlife crisis but she laughs it off, but she still can't explain why she did it, other than she has changed, she hasn't changed, but it helps her justify her actions.
Unless she comes crawling back and you totally bury your self-respect to take her back, her why's is besides the point. The most obvious answer is that she never loved you as much as you love/d her, but was an excellent actress, she just got tired of acting.

Don't get me wrong, you are not the bad guy here, she is, to my mind, a worthless liar, traitor and backstabber. I know I'm talking about the woman you are still married to, but by her choice, she is no longer worth the title of being your wife.

Ultimately, we never totally find out why they do these things to us and we feel thrown away like garbage. We have to make peace with the facts, "fall in love" with ourselves again and build a future for ourselves which will make them cry every time they think that they lost us.
 

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@Groucho I'm sorry you're going through this. But take heart, you are not alone. Most people on this forum have been through this or some version of it.

You are now a backup plan, the reasons don't matter at this point. It's done. She wants the other dude instead of you. But if somehow he doesn't work out, she wants you to catch her and save her from the fall.

If you try to become her first choice, that's called the "pick me" dance, and never works.
You just will look weak and she won't respect you.
It's over. Cut ties and move forward healing yourself.

@Dictum Veritas gave you excellent advice. Read it over and over.
 

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..., so difficult to accept she can move on so quickly with no concern for my feelings or our girls,
This was the hardest thing for me to deal with as well. The concept of 'how could they do this to me'?

I grappled with it, and no matter how many times someone told me, 'because they weren't thinking about you', I still couldn't wrap my head around it. Surely, after more than two decades of marriage I was some kind of factor in his thinking?! But, I wasn't.

They can do this ONLY because they are NOT thinking about you. If they were willing to think of you, they would not have taken it so far. They are simply putting themselves, their desires, their emotions first. They do not care about the aftermath, they rarely think about the aftermath or the destruction. They just don't. It's heart breakingly selfish, but all they care about it getting whatever it is they think they need from their encounters.
 

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Discussion Starter · #10 ·
Yeah co-worker they both have quite stressful jobs at a hospital and apparently she had a bad day and spoke to him about it, then they had another chat and this led to more chats over the next couple of years where it changed from a friendship into something more. She has been honest, sometimes to the point of cruel, but I did ask her to be.
 

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Yeah co-worker they both have quite stressful jobs at a hospital and apparently she had a bad day and spoke to him about it, then they had another chat and this led to more chats over the next couple of years where it changed from a friendship into something more. She has been honest, sometimes to the point of cruel, but I did ask her to be.
Hospital, why am I not surprised?

I know it's too late now, but for future reference and as a rule of thumb, steer clear of people in the medical and education fields. Those fields seem to trend as far as adultery is concerned.

A relationship that starts like theirs did, rarely lasts past 2 years. To start off, they both know that they are cheating, adulterous scum and that they can't trust each-other. My bet is on this only lasting a year or so, but when, not if, their "relationship" implodes, make sure you have shut the door to her and keep it closed.
 

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This is all totally out of character for her and everyone I have told can't believe she has done this, I have mentioned midlife crisis but she laughs it off, but she still can't explain why she did it, other than she has changed, she hasn't changed, but it helps her justify her actions.
It is simple, she wanted to and didn't care about your or her family. She put her needs above everyone else's. It is called being selfish. She stopped being in love with you a long time ago, before she even ****ed the OM the first time.
 

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Everything you say I know, it is just so difficult to accept after 24 years together, so difficult to accept she can move on so quickly with no concern for my feelings or our girls, I keep telling myself I will get there but as you say the road ahead is a long and hard one.
You are a chump only if you allow it. She has an affair and gets to decide whether she wants to keep you as her plan B backup or not? Sorry you’re here but your actions will make you look less attractive.
Without self respect you don’t have much to work with.
You should be concerned more about yourself.
 

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Yeah co-worker they both have quite stressful jobs at a hospital and apparently she had a bad day and spoke to him about it, then they had another chat and this led to more chats over the next couple of years where it changed from a friendship into something more. She has been honest, sometimes to the point of cruel, but I did ask her to be.
She’s selfish and has zero boundaries. There is no excuse for her behavior. You need to wake up to reality.
 

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Everything you say I know, it is just so difficult to accept after 24 years together, so difficult to accept she can move on so quickly with no concern for my feelings or our girls, I keep telling myself I will get there but as you say the road ahead is a long and hard one.
It wasn’t difficult for her was it?
 

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@Groucho , I know we are not telling you what you want to hear, but we are telling you what you need to hear.

None of us are dismissing your pain. I'd rather be stabbed again (yes that has happened) than go through even a fraction of what you are going through right now, which unfortunately I've had to face as-well.

We are not giving you fluffy advice, but we are giving you proven advice.
 

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Everything you say I know, it is just so difficult to accept after 24 years together, so difficult to accept she can move on so quickly with no concern for my feelings or our girls, I keep telling myself I will get there but as you say the road ahead is a long and hard one.
Well, she is not moving on so quickly. She moved on long ago but did not inform you. The relationship probably went physical sooner than she has told you.

Not an easy task but I would say focus on your own work, your children and no contact with her. Hire an attorney & let him/her deal with her. Your 18 year old is old enough to talk to your wife if needed about upcoming university stuff. No need for you to do that.
if the wife is no help then you and your 18 year old figure out whatever needs to be figured out.
 

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She say's it was, and cries when we meet, but her actions don't back it up
There's another piece of advice you need to heed hence forth. Don't believe a word that comes out of her mouth. If she says: "Good-Morning", it's best for you to check your watch and confirm it's actually morning. She will say anything to make herself appear and feel better, because deep down, she knows what a POS she has become and to cover for that she'll become an ever growing bigger POS.

Oh, and don't talk to her without recording the conversation or whenever possible use text. That way she can't claim you threatened her or perhaps file false assault charges etc. Yes, that happens a-lot to betrayed spouses (BSs). It also assists you in keeping a legal record. Like it or not, but she is now the enemy and you have to cover your own backside.

Stop the in-person meetings as much as possible, it's like taking sand-paper to a scab. Never be alone with her without a witness present if you can help it.
 
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