My husband and I have been married 27 years this July and together for a total of 28 years. Perfect marriage no but good marriage yes or so I thought. My husband came home to me on his birthday stood in our bedroom door and told me that he loved me but not the way a husband should love his wife. I was in complete and udder shock. There were no warning signs two weeks prior to this he was sending me love songs and telling me how he could love me forever and how easy it was because of what a beautiful person I was. He told me that he was a coward over the last 25 years and that he had realized I wasn't the girl for him but could never bring himself to tell me. We have five beautiful children ages 23 to 15. Then a month after he dropped this bomb on me he went on to tell me how he called his girlfriend of 30 years ago that he dated when he was 15 to 16 and that he just called her to apologize for breaking her heart, and then he told her that he had thought of her on and off throughout our marriage. He told me that he knows the right thing to is stay with me but he can not help the way he feels. He loves me deeply but he feels like the world could fall out from under him when he is with her. Our sex life was good, we talked about everything and anything, or so I thought. Everyone we know is in complete shock because they thought he adored the ground I walked on we were best friends and I am in disbelief. Fast forward five months he is now in a sexual relationship with her and she is married but separated herself. I believe in marriage and that it is a sacrament. I wanted to go to counseling but the minute he knew he would have to give her up he said he could not hurt her like that again. I know I should be angry and disgusted with his infidelity but all I can think about is the time I have invested in this relationship. We invested so much and were making plans for our retirement. He asked me to file for divorce and I refused stating that it is not what I want. He has not filed yet but has expressed to me he cant live with this other woman if he is married to me which is a laughable considering he is having sex with her while he is married to me. We live separately because we were relocating to another state. I am so depressed and am still in shock over what is going on in my life. Its almost like PTSD. Our kids are all angry and have lost respect for their father but they love him. He was an excellent father and husband I just am having trouble digesting what is going on. I feel as if my life has been a big lie and that I have been cheated. Any advise is welcomed positive or negative.
28 years of beautiful lies
- Status
1 - 20 of 177 Posts
Joined
·
198 Posts
Go ahead and file, this is not uncommon behavior for men at the end of child rearing, to go back and find the more exciting romances.
Joined
·
7,548 Posts
Cheater logic is unexplainable.
If you're smart and you want to try and salvage this you draw up a list of contacts. His/her close friends, relatives, etc and expose it all at once without warning.
Do not make the mistake of helping hide their affair!!!! affairs thrive in the secret and dark. Shine a light on it. Don't worry about pushing your cowardly husband away he's already gone.
Exposure is about the only weapon you have. It often ends the affair.
Keep quiet and help them hide it at your own peril
If you're smart and you want to try and salvage this you draw up a list of contacts. His/her close friends, relatives, etc and expose it all at once without warning.
Do not make the mistake of helping hide their affair!!!! affairs thrive in the secret and dark. Shine a light on it. Don't worry about pushing your cowardly husband away he's already gone.
Exposure is about the only weapon you have. It often ends the affair.
Keep quiet and help them hide it at your own peril
Joined
·
7,476 Posts
It's not almost like PTSD. It is PTSD.
Infidelity and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder - Affaircare
Infidelity and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder - Affaircare
Joined
·
5,337 Posts
File. It's hard. You are not the only woman to have to deal with this childish bs.
He will eventually figure out once the new wears off of her that she's no cupcake, or not. Who freaking cares? He has placed zero value on YOU. Detach and do whatever it takes to place the sane value on him.
You may find that once you meet another man (which won't be hard) that dies value you, you'll be happier than ever.
We can't live by what we want things to be like, we've got to live by what they are like.
Your husband is a cheating, lying ass.
He started this affair and lost feelings for you. YOU had zero to do with this. You could have been the perfect wife and still, there's no way you could compete with this childish fantasy he had built in his head.
For these cheaters to say they never loved you----- that's what they all say. They have to kill what they had for you mentally so they can look at themselves in the mirror. He didn't stay with you 25 years because he is such a great guy. He abandoned and betrayed you because he is NOT.
Now it's all up to you to be strong, keep your dignity, and show your kids for the benefit of a good example, how one handles a disloyal, cheating spouse.
There is no way to fix this. But there is a way you can get over this. Move on, find a good man, and never look back.
He will eventually figure out once the new wears off of her that she's no cupcake, or not. Who freaking cares? He has placed zero value on YOU. Detach and do whatever it takes to place the sane value on him.
You may find that once you meet another man (which won't be hard) that dies value you, you'll be happier than ever.
We can't live by what we want things to be like, we've got to live by what they are like.
Your husband is a cheating, lying ass.
He started this affair and lost feelings for you. YOU had zero to do with this. You could have been the perfect wife and still, there's no way you could compete with this childish fantasy he had built in his head.
For these cheaters to say they never loved you----- that's what they all say. They have to kill what they had for you mentally so they can look at themselves in the mirror. He didn't stay with you 25 years because he is such a great guy. He abandoned and betrayed you because he is NOT.
Now it's all up to you to be strong, keep your dignity, and show your kids for the benefit of a good example, how one handles a disloyal, cheating spouse.
There is no way to fix this. But there is a way you can get over this. Move on, find a good man, and never look back.
Joined
·
2,335 Posts
This is such a terrible story, and I am so sorry that you and your kids are in this spot. He definitely needs a big wake up call. Although it's easy for us to say "DUMP HIM AND NEVER LOOK BACK" the reality is a family and a lifetime of love that you have shared, and you don't view it as disposable, because it shouldn't be.
I agree wholeheartedly with @Evinrude58, its easy for the cheater to claim they never loved you blah blah blah. Yeah right. He's justifying. Period.
He needs a reality check. I would tell him he has to move out immediately and then do the full 180 on him. Have zero contact other than about your minor children. That will probably be your best hope at a possible reconciliation down the road. It's doubtful that anything productive will come out of the situation until the newness wears off, and he suddenly realizes he has thrown away his wife, kids and family for a midlife crisis.
I agree wholeheartedly with @Evinrude58, its easy for the cheater to claim they never loved you blah blah blah. Yeah right. He's justifying. Period.
He needs a reality check. I would tell him he has to move out immediately and then do the full 180 on him. Have zero contact other than about your minor children. That will probably be your best hope at a possible reconciliation down the road. It's doubtful that anything productive will come out of the situation until the newness wears off, and he suddenly realizes he has thrown away his wife, kids and family for a midlife crisis.
Joined
·
5,337 Posts
“Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be.” ~Sonia Ricotti
When someone rejects you it doesn’t mean you need to also reject yourself or think of yourself as less worthy. It doesn’t mean that nobody will ever want you anymore. Remember that there are billions of people in the world and only ONE person has rejected you. And it only hurts so bad right now because, to you, that one person’s opinion represented the opinion of the whole world. But that’s not the truth.
Got that off a page I was reading. Found it to be true.
I have felt as you are feeling.
I'm very sorry. It is traumatic.
But you can overcome this. Lots of us had. Keep talking, keep discussing how you feel.
Lots of us here because we want to repay what we were given.
Advice from others who have been through this is a helpful tool in rebuilding your life.
When someone rejects you it doesn’t mean you need to also reject yourself or think of yourself as less worthy. It doesn’t mean that nobody will ever want you anymore. Remember that there are billions of people in the world and only ONE person has rejected you. And it only hurts so bad right now because, to you, that one person’s opinion represented the opinion of the whole world. But that’s not the truth.
Got that off a page I was reading. Found it to be true.
I have felt as you are feeling.
I'm very sorry. It is traumatic.
But you can overcome this. Lots of us had. Keep talking, keep discussing how you feel.
Lots of us here because we want to repay what we were given.
Advice from others who have been through this is a helpful tool in rebuilding your life.
Joined
·
1,110 Posts
Sad to say that this is not an uncommon occurrence. People stay in marriage for a lot of wrong reasons. For the sake of the kids is one, regular sex, a roof over their heads, etc., are others.
Funny that your husband talked about apologising to his old girlfriend. My ex fiancee who I dated for 5 years, cheated on me and called me 47 years later to apologise to me. She even had all the things and pictures I ever gave her which she mailed to me. However she is married to a woman so she did not want to get back with me but obviously she thought about me. She went through a lot in her life and to keep the things that reminded her of me, says a lot.
Love is a chemical reaction that cannot be willed into or out of existence. Once gone no amount of counselling can get your brain to make that cocktail of chemicals we call love. At best, you can live together sort of like friends with benefits. It is obviously over and yet he still cares for you. He just does not lust after you anymore. Love also makes you want to spend all of your time with the object of your desire. You overlook their faults and everything they say is of interest. As a poly person I am well aware of new love and how it can affect an existing relationship. It is natural to find a new lover more exciting than an old one. Most people are monogamous and for them that presents a problem and contributes to the 50% divorce rate. We still cling to a marriage systems that fails half of the time for some reason and unfortunately you have fallen on the bad side of those odds.
You are not alone in having a spouse who does not love you like you love him. Men especially, cling to their marriage for the regular sex, food and shelter. Their marriage becomes a safety net for them and they still care for their wives. If I had to guess I would guess that your husband has had a very affairs. Most who cheat never get caught. If they did, the divorce rate would be much higher. Only thing to do now is to save your own life and find happiness with someone else. I know lots of married women with kids who have remarried and are having a good life with a man who worships them. That can be you if you want it. Good luck and although it is difficult, close this chapter in your book of life.
Funny that your husband talked about apologising to his old girlfriend. My ex fiancee who I dated for 5 years, cheated on me and called me 47 years later to apologise to me. She even had all the things and pictures I ever gave her which she mailed to me. However she is married to a woman so she did not want to get back with me but obviously she thought about me. She went through a lot in her life and to keep the things that reminded her of me, says a lot.
Love is a chemical reaction that cannot be willed into or out of existence. Once gone no amount of counselling can get your brain to make that cocktail of chemicals we call love. At best, you can live together sort of like friends with benefits. It is obviously over and yet he still cares for you. He just does not lust after you anymore. Love also makes you want to spend all of your time with the object of your desire. You overlook their faults and everything they say is of interest. As a poly person I am well aware of new love and how it can affect an existing relationship. It is natural to find a new lover more exciting than an old one. Most people are monogamous and for them that presents a problem and contributes to the 50% divorce rate. We still cling to a marriage systems that fails half of the time for some reason and unfortunately you have fallen on the bad side of those odds.
You are not alone in having a spouse who does not love you like you love him. Men especially, cling to their marriage for the regular sex, food and shelter. Their marriage becomes a safety net for them and they still care for their wives. If I had to guess I would guess that your husband has had a very affairs. Most who cheat never get caught. If they did, the divorce rate would be much higher. Only thing to do now is to save your own life and find happiness with someone else. I know lots of married women with kids who have remarried and are having a good life with a man who worships them. That can be you if you want it. Good luck and although it is difficult, close this chapter in your book of life.
Joined
·
44,439 Posts
28years, have you spoken to a lawyer about your legal rights?
You say that you two are living in different states right now? Do you know what the difference in divorce laws are in the two states?
Right now, by not filing for divorce you are making it much easier for your husband to carry on an affair. See right now he does not have to face the reality of what an affair is going to do to his life. He does not have to face that he is truly losing you.
This keeps the affair a fantasy. He is still not relying 100% on her to meet his emotional needs. He still has you in the wings.
If you file for divorce, reality should hit him right between the eyes.
Remember that a divorce can stopped at any time up to the hour that the judge signs the final decree.
You say that you two are living in different states right now? Do you know what the difference in divorce laws are in the two states?
Right now, by not filing for divorce you are making it much easier for your husband to carry on an affair. See right now he does not have to face the reality of what an affair is going to do to his life. He does not have to face that he is truly losing you.
This keeps the affair a fantasy. He is still not relying 100% on her to meet his emotional needs. He still has you in the wings.
If you file for divorce, reality should hit him right between the eyes.
Remember that a divorce can stopped at any time up to the hour that the judge signs the final decree.
Joined
·
6,335 Posts
I find it interesting that you talk about him sending you love songs and him worshipping the ground you walk on but nothing at all about how you do the same. How often did you affirm him? Complement him? Stroke his ego?
Also, if all you care about is how much you've invested, well, it's already over.
Also, if all you care about is how much you've invested, well, it's already over.
Joined
·
5,337 Posts
I have no clue what she wrote that's makes you think this.
It's what she "didn't write"???????
What the heck? Talk about ad lobbing a person's marital history!
Anyone with 28 years of marriage and three kidstgat had just been suddenly dumped by by their cheater husband who called up his high school sweetheart, would likely be so emotionally distraught, she's lucky to write a coherent sentence.
Wakkaway husband? It's her fault?
She didn't stroke his ego enough?
I'm just in shock that you would post this.
Op, just to be clear--- your husband cheated. And there is no freaking way that his cheating is your fault. Don't let anyone convince you of that.
Joined
·
733 Posts
Quoted for truth.
And I agree with all of Evinrude58's posts on this thread. Read and re-read them and realize that it is not YOU.
Joined
·
6,238 Posts
I suspect if you do some digging, your WH was already involved with her sexually long before he give you the I love you but not in love with you speech. You cannot nice him back into the marriage, however the reality is that he might wake up and realise that he is throwing his whole life away but you cannot make him stay in the marriage, I would suggest you give him what he wants. Go scorched earth on him. You can file for divorce, you dont have to go through with it, then start dating.
1. See a lawyer and file. ensure that financially you are covered, ensure you get as much as possible of him. Get a copy of all financial documents, talk to your lawyer about how to best proceed so that financially you have enough for retirement, too many women after dedicating their lives to husband and family end up in poverty when the H does something like this
2. tell all friends and family including teenage kids, it is his shame and burden to bear, not yours
3. You only know what he told you about the OW, try and contact her H as he may be in a false reconciliation with her
4. go and do things for yourself, join a club, lose weight, do yourself up
5. Do the 180 on him hard, kick him out of the house, let him have what he wants, she is not the same girl he knew before, so let him find out the hard way. Go no contact, all contact through a lawyer only.
6. You are going through alot now, get some IC for yourself.
One of two things will happen
1. he will see that far away fields are not green, that he has stupidly thrown away his wife and family for a fantasy that is not real. His mid life crisis has cost him dearly.
Then he will come running back, hopefully you will have moved on, will have enough self respect for yourself and will have found yourself someone who is worthy of you for he aint.
2. He genuinely is finished with the marriage and does not come back, If this is the case, you cannot win him back anyhow he is gone, but by then you have got over the trauma and are on your way to healthy healed life and ready to meet new and better things.
Sorry you are going through this.
Joined
·
1,458 Posts
I don't understand this post at all. It sounds like you're blaming her for him leaving her and their 5 children and having an affair with his old girlfriend.
Do you have some sort of agenda? Did someone do something similar to you?
Joined
·
6,335 Posts
If you only want to read posts by cheerleaders I suggest you put me on ignore right away. At some point she will need to own her part in the condition of the marriage. Not the cheating, the marriage.
Dear Working on me thank you for your in put. To answer question I have affirmed my husband yes I have. I have supported my husband throughout my whole marriage. I have thanked him for providing us with a good life , have always told him what a great father he is and how sexy that is. I have been available to him I don't know how much more to stroke his ego, I have supported him through boot camp, War, law school, private practice....worked countless hours by his side as his office manager and secretary at the expense of my family, when he decided that being an attorney was killing him and he weighed over 350 pounds I stood behind him and let him know that I would support him in what he needed to do to be happy. He stopped practicing and started working for the state making less than 30 thousand a year for a family of 7. We lost our home and everything else but none of those things mattered because they are material. My family is the most valuable thing in my life. I supported my husband in weight loss and encouraged him to take up martial arts and clipped coupons and lived paycheck to paycheck. I told him how much I loved him and appreciated him and all that he did for us. We sex on the regular as often as possible went out and spent time alone together. How much stroking would you like me to do. I planned a 25 year anniversary cruise for us and took us zip lining , snorkeling and tubing for the first time ever in our lives. I'm not interested in what I have invested, I simply stated that because I feel that giving up on my marriage is hard since it was a good marriage and its hard to walk away when you have so much of yourself invested in your relationship and family
Dear Browser, Thank you for defending me I do not feel to blame for what my husband has chosen to do to me and our family. But I did ask for any in put be it neg. or positive. thank you for your words.
Joined
·
1,458 Posts
You're welcome. Realize that when people post here, sometimes well meaning advice givers are "triggered", meaning that they read a post that brings up bitter memories and unresolved feelings of anger towards their partner who betrayed them, and they lash out at an innocent third party who has done nothing to deserve it. Try not to take it personally, it has nothing to do with you.
Working on me,
So I'm interested in what you think is my part to own in the relationship? If his whole family is disappointed in him and had no clue that he was not madly, deeply in love with me and even my in laws are defending me what makes you think differently? Maybe I should have disregarded my husband and his wants and needs and been only concerned with mine. I think that you should inquire a little more before you make assumptions. I'm not a doormat or a stupid woman by ANY means. I just am here to try and make sense of a senseless situation. I mean no one is perfect and marriage is give and take and a learning experience. Its not perfect and I am certainly guilty of growing in my marriage and as a person. My husband spent a lot of time letting me and my children know how much he loved me and us and how he would never (his words not mine) leave us the way friends had done to others in our circle. If there is something that I can clarify for you so you can point out my failures please be my guest. I'm sure it isn't anything I have not entertained a thousand times myself.
So I'm interested in what you think is my part to own in the relationship? If his whole family is disappointed in him and had no clue that he was not madly, deeply in love with me and even my in laws are defending me what makes you think differently? Maybe I should have disregarded my husband and his wants and needs and been only concerned with mine. I think that you should inquire a little more before you make assumptions. I'm not a doormat or a stupid woman by ANY means. I just am here to try and make sense of a senseless situation. I mean no one is perfect and marriage is give and take and a learning experience. Its not perfect and I am certainly guilty of growing in my marriage and as a person. My husband spent a lot of time letting me and my children know how much he loved me and us and how he would never (his words not mine) leave us the way friends had done to others in our circle. If there is something that I can clarify for you so you can point out my failures please be my guest. I'm sure it isn't anything I have not entertained a thousand times myself.
1 - 20 of 177 Posts
- Status
Join the discussion
Join now to ask and comment!