Talk About Marriage banner
Status
Not open for further replies.
1 - 9 of 9 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
2 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Okay so my husband goes for two months to take care of his dad in another part of the country. I could not go this time. He comes back saying he was at the gym, started working out with some girl and now he is confused. He says we get a long very well, he likes that we don't fight too much, we don't insult each other when we do but he is confused. He has a crush on this girl. She knows he is married. She SAYS she does not want to be the cause of anyone's breakup but she keeps textin him and phoning him. I told him he needs to either stay here and stop that or go to her. I cannot stop him. He says its because she is so moody, one day she wants to see him , the next day she doesn't. He says they have been platonic....I don't know what else to say or do. If he wants to leave he should go...but I am on the verge of bannkruptcy, going to school, trying to do the best I can and now that he is back, I am soo distracted and crying and just don't know what else to say or do. Does anyone have any suggestions?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,324 Posts
I think you should stay at a friends house for 2-3 days, and tell him during that time he needs to either move out or lose the other woman. If you come back, he's still there, and the other woman is in the picture at all, you are going to file for divorce.

The other woman is not the problem, your husband's lack of boundaries is. You can't work on that with the other woman in the picture.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,361 Posts
LOL... I have a few, but they aren't all legal!

What a crock! Does your husband believe that her on-again/off-again interest level is going to magically go away and they'll live happily ever after if he waits her out and keeps you on the line in the meantime? They don't fight as much or insult each other when they do because they only spent TWO MONTHS together, for heaven's sake!

And her "I don't want to break up a marriage but I'll keep texting and phoning" is a sign that her words and her actions don't match up. This doesn't bode well for him to have a future with her, either.

So if I was in your shoes, I'd tell him this and give him about 24 hours to pull his head out of his rear or walk his feet out the door.

I might call HER and tell her that if she doesn't want to break up a marriage, then she's going to be REALLY disappointed to learn what gets broke when she simply intrudes on mine.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,538 Posts
Okay so my husband goes for two months to take care of his dad in another part of the country. I could not go this time. He comes back saying he was at the gym, started working out with some girl and now he is confused. He says we get a long very well, he likes that we don't fight too much, we don't insult each other when we do but he is confused. He has a crush on this girl. She knows he is married. She SAYS she does not want to be the cause of anyone's breakup but she keeps textin him and phoning him. I told him he needs to either stay here and stop that or go to her. I cannot stop him. He says its because she is so moody, one day she wants to see him , the next day she doesn't. He says they have been platonic....I don't know what else to say or do. If he wants to leave he should go...but I am on the verge of bannkruptcy, going to school, trying to do the best I can and now that he is back, I am soo distracted and crying and just don't know what else to say or do. Does anyone have any suggestions?
This sounds like a bunch of high school BS. Put your foot down and let him know he's pushing it. Knock it off or a bag gets packed and it won't be YOURS.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2 Posts
Discussion Starter · #5 ·
Thank you for all your input. I was leaning that way to ask him just to go back and let me know when he has it all figured out. I just didn't know if I should say it right now or wait or what. I know now, I have to grow my backbone and say it now. Thanks
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
589 Posts
Tell him you refuse to be his plan B. He thinks he has a choice between you....tell him if he has to take a minute to think about it then that's a minute too long. Show him you deserve better after all these years and she's welcome to him cause he's no prize.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,361 Posts
Thank you for all your input. I was leaning that way to ask him just to go back and let me know when he has it all figured out. I just didn't know if I should say it right now or wait or what. I know now, I have to grow my backbone and say it now. Thanks
I hope you'll make it clear that you don't plan on waiting around for him! If he thinks he can come back "if things don't work out" then you will have taught him something that you do NOT want him to learn! He'll believe that you'll stick around no matter what bad things he does.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
46 Posts
Dear OP (What a waste),

I'm very sorry you're going through this. :(

Personally I don't think your husband doesn't love you anymore.

But I do think he's being a selfish jerk. I think he is having self problems which he is definitely not dealing with properly. By the way, how old is he? Could he be going through a mid life crisis?

First of all - anyone who is in a committed relationship, heck, anybody with COMMON SENSE knows the best way to control temptation is to STAY AWAY FROM IT. I don't know what kind of marriage you have, if you usually socialize with members of the opposite sex, but regardless on whether you do or you don't it is especially bad that he continued a relationship (even if it was just platonic) with someone he was feeling attracted to or developing feelings for. He should have stayed away from her all on his own before it escalated this far. He should have never given her his phone number/email/etc.
So you have think about it. If you do work it out, make sure he learns how to deal with these things. Being attracted to other people besides your SO from time to time can be normal (it can also be prevented/stopped), it's about how you handle that attraction. Otherwise, it might not be this girl. But in the future, if he ever feels the slight bit of interest or attraction to someone else for whatever reason (like maybe he just wants attention) he is going to keep going about it the wrong way and allow it to grow. That will just bring him to where is now again -> CONFUSION.

Second of all - it seems like there are no major problems in your marriage. There should be no reason why he should be seeking comfort elsewhere. And to his credit he didn't have a PA (right???) and he did tell you about this (by the way, did he tell you after he came back or while he was there?) Another big RED FLAG I see is the girl. While she is not the problem, I have a theory as to why your husband picked her. She's moody. He is with you, everything is good and normal. I think, cause of whatever self issues he's going through, he wants some chaos. He probably wants some attention.
Be honest... how has your relationship been before this? Have you been taking each other for granted? Forgetting to show how much you love each other? Not that it makes his behavior okay either way but it might explain why he is attracted to this chaotic girl who is giving him mixed signals. She is obviously not a good partner choice for him, even without you in the picture, so he obviously is not his calm collected rational self.

As for you sweetheart... on one hand, you can't let him take you for granted. But if you truly love him and you feel that he loves you (despite this episode he is going through) then I don't think you should give up. What I would suggest for you to do is: think. About what you want from him and what you want for yourself period, with or without him. It is important that you know exactly what it is so that you can figure out if and when the point where you can't get it from him is and you can leave. Then talk to him. Why does he think this is going on? Is he happy with you? What does he want from you? Is it reasonable? Can he give you what you want from him? Tell him how much you love him. Show him. Kiss him passionately. Remind him of the beautiful life you've built together. Tell him you are willing to keep working on being a better wife (not that you're not a great wife now, it sounds like you are, but marriage should always be continuously improving). Tell him how much this hurts you. He needs to hear the consequences of his actions. How would he feel if it were the other way around? Tell him how much you love him and how you want nothing more than to work things out and that you will do everything you can if he does. If not, you'll be forced to leave and find your happiness without him. But also be direct with him. Tell him what you WANT and EXPECT from him. He can't sit on the fence. Does he love you enough to let the OW go completely?

If he does - if it were me I would want my husband to send her a very direct and cruel text. Something like "look, I made the mistake of getting involved with you because I was confused by other things that have nothing to do with you. I don't care about you. I don't want you in my life anymore. I love my wife very much and I want to focus all of my attention on her and strengthening our marriage. I do wish you luck. I hope you will GROW UP and stop acting like a pathetic high school girl. I hope when you get married your husband doesn't have to deal with another woman who claims not to want to destroy your marriage but refuses to leave him alone. Good luck fixing your problems. Don't try calling me, I'm changing my number. I don't want anything to do with you. Goodbye and have a great life."
...But that's just what I would want MY husband's text to say if there was another woman. :p
Anyway, just make sure the text/email is straight foward and it doesn't leave any open windows. That it says A - he loves YOU, his wife. B - he isn't interested in her either way and doesn't want her in his life anymore. It just needs to be clear and confident. Not necessarily cruel but it helps doesn't it? ;)
And then he should change his number/e-mail. He really has to COMPLETELY STOP all contact with OW.

God luck with your money stuff, school, and your marriage. You sound like a sweet girl and you deserve the happy ending that was promised. I do think you can overcome this as long as the issues behind this BS are clearly identified, addressed, and resolved. And of course, as long as you are both willing. I wish you a happier stronger marriage. :)
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,184 Posts
I do not think it is yet time to turn your back on the 27 years you have together.

I think you sumed it up in the opening post "he has a crush" on this OW. As long as this relationship has stayed platonic and is now firmly in the passed you should try and understand him / forgive him.
Your husband has obviously be going through a hard time careing for his father / being seperated from you for months. Is your father in law any better now, if not are there other family members who could help take the strain.

It is easy for any of us in long term relationships to get stuck in a comfortable rut (just rubbing along no dramas) and to be flatered by the attensions of a stranger. I think you will find that your husband knows in his heart which side his bread is buttered.
As a PP has said you both need to make the effort to put some sparkle back into your relationship. If he has to continue to spend it at his fathers then try to make the effort to get up and see him (if only for the odd weekend). let your husband see how much you love him and encourage him to do the same.

Best wishes to you both.
 
1 - 9 of 9 Posts
Status
Not open for further replies.
Top