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time posting here. I just turned 26 yrs old and my wife will be 26 soon. We have been married for 3 years, no kids. We were good friends before marriage and both raised in Christian homes so we managed to stay virgins. Come wedding night we tried intercourse with no luck, and several times after in the following months with negative results. She would close up prior to any penetration and just the thought of something inside her made her tremble. I suggested she see a dr who recommended dilators to help expand her, she quickly gave up on that and never took any initiative into trying it further. I took two pleasing her with toys with clitoral stimulation and orally. She stuck to handjobs only for me. After 3 years of this, it started getting old. I became frustrated sexually and emotionally. She started treating me with little respect and always tried to control things in my life. I finally let it everything out this last week and initially she was blaming me, until she realized how serious I was and wanted to end things. She begged and begged me to forgive her and give her another chance and said her life is nothing without me. She has no friends that she invests time in because she says she only likes to be with me. This leaves her with no support if I leave. I agreed to go to counseling and our second session was yesterday . The first one was just intro to counsellor. Second session was trying to figure out why wife gets upset easy at little things. Wife said she's not sure how much she trusts this counsellor in helping us and she wants us to see a sex therapist so that I can get help in wanting to do the deed with her after being rejected for so long. I'm just not sure I still love her after what she put me through and I don't want to live like this for the rest of my life. We both want kids in a few years and now I'm not sure I want her to be the mother of my kids. Please offer your advice. If I leave her she will probably drop out of college and become a hermit crab.
 

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Was she abused in the past?
 

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Once when she was 11. Orally copulated. Which is strange because that is really the only way I can make her go off. She's pretty convinced that it hasn't affected her in our relationship because she doesn't remember it that well but I'm sure it leaves a lasting effect.
 

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By who?
 

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Hmmm. Well, it could be a part of whats going on. Do you guys use lube? Condoms? Do you try to finger her before penetration?
 

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Marriage is about love, respect and intimacy. 2 of those things are missing in your life. If your wife truly loves
you she would go to the end of the world to fix your marriage. 3 years is a LONG time to not make love to your wife.
Stop asking her to go to see a sex therapist. Demand her to go. Drive her kicking and screaming if you have to.
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Hmmm. Well, it could be a part of whats going on. Do you guys use lube? Condoms? Do you try to finger her before penetration?
We always tried with lube and finger before trying penetration. Even try dilator first still no luck.

Our appt with sex therapist is Wednesday but I just feel like I am going to help her realize that I don't desire sex with her anymore after what she's put me through.
 

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I honestly think the sexual abuse affects her now, more than she thinks... especially if she never got counseling for it. Did she? I mean, before now? Also, in order for her to have the intimacy with you, she needs to address her issues, in IC.
 

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It's the abuse. This is likely not to ever get better unless she seeks help for it. Any other thinking on your part is denial.

If I leave her she will probably drop out of college and become a hermit crab.
Based on this I'd advice you to cut your losses and end this. At 26 you're young enough to find someone who isn't broken to marry. Your wife isn't well enough to be in a sexual relationship of ANY kind.
 

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Your wife has vaginismus. You can read about it here:Q&A My Vagina Is Tight, I Can't Have Sex | Kinsey Confidential

I have had this before right after I had a hysterectomy. I had been having painful sex for a while and I had not told my husband exactly how painful it was, and continued to do it. The reason was, I had always related sex with pain because I had been molested and raped when I was a child.

Also, most likely, more happened than just oral sex, but that is the only thing that she is able to tell you right now or she has not worked through the emotional scarring that she experienced when this happened.

One of the things that my counselor suggested for me was guided meditation. I was so "uptight" that I could not relax to get my pelvic muscles to relax. Another thing she told me is to tell my husband that I needed him to let ME decide when to have sex or control when to have sex (at least for a while). The reason she attempts to control you is because control was taken away from HER when she was molested.
 

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Your wife has vaginismus. You can read about it here:Q&A My Vagina Is Tight, I Can't Have Sex | Kinsey Confidential

I have had this before right after I had a hysterectomy. I had been having painful sex for a while and I had not told my husband exactly how painful it was, and continued to do it. The reason was, I had always related sex with pain because I had been molested and raped when I was a child.

Also, most likely, more happened than just oral sex, but that is the only thing that she is able to tell you right now or she has not worked through the emotional scarring that she experienced when this happened.

One of the things that my counselor suggested for me was guided meditation. I was so "uptight" that I could not relax to get my pelvic muscles to relax. Another thing she told me is to tell my husband that I needed him to let ME decide when to have sex or control when to have sex (at least for a while). The reason she attempts to control you is because control was taken away from HER when she was molested.
She has no problem talking to me about the abuse. She was very open and told me when we were engaged. I know she wouldn't lie to me or only tell half the story on what happened.
 

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Married for 3 years and still a virgin? I've never heard of that before. It's simply ridiculous. I suggest divorcing since you're young and have no kids.
 

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OP-- This is really crazy. But if she was sexually abused, that could have alot to do with it. Trust and fear can do that to a person who's been sexually abused. I was also sexually abused from the time I was 8 until I was 14, by my father! I have PTSD from it, and still have nightmares every now and then. At times I don't even want to have sex because of what happened to me. Certain things of sex remind me of it and I close up! I think you two need marriage and sex counseling and she needs to get into counseling for her own problems. Don't give up on the marriage just yet. Be there for her and make her get into counseling, she needs to confront the issue! I know this 3 years have been hard on you but maybe she really doesn't see how much its hurt you! Just try to fix yourselves and the marriage before giving up because you could regret it later! She is having issues from her past, which she is in denial of. Help her get help!
 

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time posting here. I just turned 26 yrs old and my wife will be 26 soon. We have been married for 3 years, no kids. We were good friends before marriage and both raised in Christian homes so we managed to stay virgins. Come wedding night we tried intercourse with no luck, and several times after in the following months with negative results. She would close up prior to any penetration and just the thought of something inside her made her tremble. I suggested she see a dr who recommended dilators to help expand her, she quickly gave up on that and never took any initiative into trying it further. I took two pleasing her with toys with clitoral stimulation and orally. She stuck to handjobs only for me. After 3 years of this, it started getting old. I became frustrated sexually and emotionally. She started treating me with little respect and always tried to control things in my life. I finally let it everything out this last week and initially she was blaming me, until she realized how serious I was and wanted to end things. She begged and begged me to forgive her and give her another chance and said her life is nothing without me. She has no friends that she invests time in because she says she only likes to be with me. This leaves her with no support if I leave. I agreed to go to counseling and our second session was yesterday . The first one was just intro to counsellor. Second session was trying to figure out why wife gets upset easy at little things. Wife said she's not sure how much she trusts this counsellor in helping us and she wants us to see a sex therapist so that I can get help in wanting to do the deed with her after being rejected for so long. I'm just not sure I still love her after what she put me through and I don't want to live like this for the rest of my life. We both want kids in a few years and now I'm not sure I want her to be the mother of my kids. Please offer your advice. If I leave her she will probably drop out of college and become a hermit crab.
^^^^^^^
Not good signs from her at all.
Think very seriously about your future.
 

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You have a SEVERAL RED FLAGS here, and you need to address them when you consider whether THIS is the woman you WANT TO SPEND THE REST OF YOUR (very long) LIFE WITH. Also, whether THIS IS THE WOMAN YOU CHOOSE TO BE THE MOTHER OF YOUR CHILDREN.

1. Your lack of a sex life goes WITHOUT SAYING.

2. Your wife's lack of co-operation in trying to overcome her problems.
I suggested she see a dr who recommended dilators to help expand her, she quickly gave up on that and never took any initiative into trying it further.
She stuck to handjobs only for me. After 3 years of this, it started getting old.
She started treating me with little respect
Wife said she's not sure how much she trusts this counsellor in helping us and she wants us to see a sex therapist so that I can get help in wanting to do the deed with her after being rejected for so long.
So your wife wants to AVOID fixing herself and her problems, she just wants you to be able to have sex with her so you won't leave her! THAT is messed up! IF SHE DOESN'T WANT TO FIX HERSELF, SHE SHOULD NOT BE ANYBODY'S MOTHER!!!

3. Your wife's lack of a life outside of your home.
said her life is nothing without me. She has no friends that she invests time in because she says she only likes to be with me. This leaves her with no support if I leave
If I leave her she will probably drop out of college and become a hermit crab
This is NOT normal behavior for a 26 year old!

I'm just not sure I still love her after what she put me through and I don't want to live like this for the rest of my life. We both want kids in a few years and now I'm not sure I want her to be the mother of my kids. Please offer your advice.
Your wife has serious mental/emotional issues. Are they all due to her childhood abuse? I don't know, I'm not a shrink. Does it matter if they're due to the abuse? It is sad WHATEVER the reason she is suffering. That said, is it YOUR responsibility to wait around until she is helped....when/if she ever decides to GET help? I'm not sure.

If you were MY SON, I would say, "Hon, I'll support you whatever you decide. You have given this marriage a VALIANT effort, and if you want to call it quits, I will NOT BLAME YOU. If you want to hang in there for a while longer, I will support that, too."

Many would NOT fault you if you want to walk away NOW. If SHE DECIDES to be a hermit, to make no friends, to let her life stop in its tracks because her marriage ended, THAT IS HER CHOICE! Lots of people are left by their spouses EVERY DAY and manage to limp forward...she can, too, if she chooses. Or she can lie down and die (figuratively) if she chooses. NOT YOUR RESPONSIBILITY.

If you decide to stay, you need to remember that it is not a 'now or never' proposition. You can try the counseling IF YOU WANT TO, and if it doesn't work you can always walk away in 2 months, or 3 months, or 6 months. This will NOT be your only 'window of opportunity' to leave this marriage. Do NOT be guilted into staying for religious, personal, family reasons. This is YOUR life and you have been MORE THAN PATIENT ENOUGH with this situation.

JUMP if you're ready, stay if you're not!
 

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If you decide to stay, you need to remember that it is not a 'now or never' proposition. You can try the counseling IF YOU WANT TO, and if it doesn't work you can always walk away in 2 months, or 3 months, or 6 months. This will NOT be your only 'window of opportunity' to leave this marriage. Do NOT be guilted into staying for religious, personal, family reasons. This is YOUR life and you have been MORE THAN PATIENT ENOUGH with this situation.

JUMP if you're ready, stay if you're not!
:iagree: x100%

It is a risky situation.
I have seen situations like this where the abused person with the emotional trauma ends up either abusing their partner or sometimes even cheating on them in some form.

The innocent party ends up excusing the behaviour and blames it on the guilty party prior abuse / trauma.

The OP should consider all the likely outcomes and keep his options open,if he decides to stay.
 
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