Talk About Marriage banner
Status
Not open for further replies.
1 - 20 of 89 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
5 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 · (Edited)
Hello Everybody,

I am 46 years old, 47 in May. I have been married for 26 years, three children 24, 21 and 18. All boys. I am amPartner of a Law Firm and have been apart of the firm for 20 years now.

Three weeks ago, I admitted to my Wife that I have been having an affair for the last 2 months with someone who is 14 years younger than myself.

I can't forgive myself. I hate what I did. My kids won't even look at me and refuse to speak to me on the phone or even meet so I can apologise. I hurt so bad for my Wife and I am so so so sorry for what I did. I ask myself "How could I do such a thing to my family". I can't find the answer.

I want to win my Wife back to the way we were 10 years ago. We have not had sex for 6 years and probably can admit that our marriage has been quite rocky for a while, every time I have approached the subject she doesn't want a bar of it and is not interested in being intimate with me.

Stupidly I found intimacy elsewhere outside of the marriage and I need some guidance as to what to do.

I want to be with her but I am wondering if she wants me. Perhaps she hasn't wanted me for the last 6 years. I struggle to think about reconciling and finding that we get nowhere and continue to live in an unhappy marriage.

This whole situation has turned out to be so depressing.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
10 Posts
I hope you have thick skin at this point. This place has great advice, insight into what you are going through but it will be a rude awakening for the most part. Good luck finding your way through this.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
2,715 Posts
Rob posters can give you better advice if they know more. Can you answer these :

Was the lack of intimacy at 2 Way street?
Is It possIble she was havIng her own affaIr?

Do you find your wife attractive? Likeable? Good natured, friendly?

You said You admitted it, but were you discovered, or did you confess?
If you were dIscovered, how - by who? If you confessed, why?

Was the OW married?
What was the fall out for her?

Is the OW In your wIfe's cIrcle of frIends?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
207 Posts
How did your wife come about to find out about this OW? Have you suggested counselling to your wife? Have you shown remorse?
Posted via Mobile Device
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
157 Posts
Why did you stay for 6 years without intimacy? Did you ever tell your wife you wanted a divorce if things didn't change?

You should have done those first and left the marriage before becoming a cheater.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
467 Posts
He clearly needed intimacy, so I imagine he was the spurned spouse in their 6 year drought.

6 years. Jesus H Christ....

The kids are old enough to not be an excuse anymore.

I can only imagine the wife had been in the grip of an affair the whole time, and our intrepid OP, like the standard issue oblivious male, simply had no clue or hint or suspicion it was happening.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
5 Posts
Discussion Starter · #7 ·
Rob posters can give you better advice if they know more. Can you answer these :

Was the lack of intimacy at 2 Way street?
Is It possIble she was havIng her own affaIr?

Do you find your wife attractive? Likeable? Good natured, friendly?

You said You admitted it, but were you discovered, or did you confess?
If you were dIscovered, how - by who? If you confessed, why?

Was the OW married?
What was the fall out for her?

Is the OW In your wIfe's cIrcle of frIends?
I have tried to be affectionate, loving and intimate towards my Wife and she wants nothing like that. Don't get me wrong she loves our life style as it has been quite comfortable for years. So she enjoys spending money and traveling but of late she has traveled without me quite alot. Has gone with friends of hers or our boys.

Before the affair, I kept getting pushed away. I love her still and I find her attractive absolutely. She is a very elegant classy women but just for some reason stopped liking sex or intimate encounters.

I don't think my Wife was or is having an affair. I am certain she would be then again, she didn't know I was having one either.

I confessed about the affair because I couldn't sleep with the guilt. The longer the affair went on, the more sick I felt about how deceitful and unfaithful I had become.

The other OW divorced her husband 4 years ago so she is not in a relationship and no she has connections with my Wife what so ever.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
5 Posts
Discussion Starter · #8 ·
Here's the thing. My Wife asked me to leave, she now requested via email that she wants me to move back into the house as no one except for our kids know about the affair.

Not even our neighborhood, family or her's or our friends.

She made some comment in her email where she wants me to move back into the house and for me to move into the guest bedroom. She told me as well that she wants to live in the same house so it seems our marriage is fine but wants to be able to live her own life whilst living together and for me to do my own thing.

The fact I can't understand is that. She wasn't upset about my confession, in fact she laughed and walked away and told me to get out the house and that we would talk later. Then I received the email with the content above.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
178 Posts
People here are so hard on your wife already! Just because no intimacy does not mean SHE is cheating. Jeez.

Okay OP, you want your wife back.
1. Total transparency and honesty.
2. No contact with OW. Draft a no contact letter or email, let your wife read and approve and send.
3. Try some marriage counselling.
While your old marriage is over, maybe a new better marriage can emerge. Good luck!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,985 Posts
You guys have a lot to work on if you have any hope of being a couple. Living a life in separate bedrooms and putting on a face is ridiculous - it's not like you have young kids to attend to anymore.

Clearly, there were reasons for the 6 year drought. You may not even get to those given your infidelity now, however. If I were in your shoes, I would probably accept the offer, move back in (for now), and have lots of talks with my wife.

If, and that's a big if, you get to a point of working though the infidelity, I would recommend marriage counseling to get to the bottom of the whole sex issue. It's totally not normal to refuse your spouse sex for 6 years. That's insane.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,564 Posts
Why stay in a sexless marriage?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
173 Posts
Is it just me, or does the described behavior of Rob's wife come across STRONGLY as a cake-eater?

You need to do some investigation, Rob. Sounds to me like your wife has been basking in the comforts, luxury, and social status your profession brings while getting her intimate needs met elsewhere.

"The fact I can't understand is that. She wasn't upset about my confession, in fact she laughed and walked away and told me to get out the house and that we would talk later. Then I received the email with the content above." -- Rob1966

She's quite happy with having your cake and eating someone else's. Why change anything? With her proposal, she can continue things just the way she likes them while keeping up social appearances.

She laughed at your confession? Dude, you need to get to the store right away and buy a clue!
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
93 Posts
I'm a lurker here and have never commented on a post in this subgroup, but in this case I felt compelled to for some reason.

All I can say is that if your wife is how you describer her then WOW!

I've never blamed a BS for the cheaters actions before....

It seems like she is a social status cake eater. You cheated on her, she laughed and now she wants you to move back into the guest bedroom? Your wife does not care about you! It seems like the only thing she cares about is the lifestyle she has and to maintain a sham marriage for her friends/family. She seems like a cold, uncaring woman. Sorry if that seems harsh, but based on what you've written, including responses, that seems to be the case. Even though you are the one that cheated, it seems as though you are the BS.

You may be riddled with guilt, but I think it's time you face reality and realize that your marriage has been over for a long time. I think in this case, even though you are the cheater, you need to implement strategies such as the 180 and see if they work - but the way you describe her I doubt they will.

You deserve to find someone who wants to be married to YOU, not your paycheck (which is how your wife seems). In my humble opinion you should divorce your wife. The unfortunate thing for you is that:

1. By cheating, you've given her some good fuel to get a lot of what she wants in the divorce.

2. She seems like the classic "house-wives-of-whatever-take-him-to-the-cleaners" type. Prepare to loose a lot and to pay her a lot in alimony/child support.
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
610 Posts
She's been cheating on you for six years.

Listen to Bandit.45.
Time to file.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,003 Posts
Her reaction to you cheating is very odd.

Her email to you about coming home, noone knows, you pretend everything is great. That wont cut it. Love her or not she doesnt appear to love you. She loves your money and what you can do for her, and she loves the social status. Im sorry but I believe that is the truth!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
4,652 Posts
Geez, stop dumping on the wife. There are always reasons for declining intimacy, and many of them have nothing to do with her being unfaithful. This is one side of the story. Clearly, she has withdrawn from the relationship on an emotional level. Why? Did she try to tell you years ago? What was your marriage like before? Maybe there is infidelity on her part, we don't know-but postings to that effect are nothing but speculation.
 
1 - 20 of 89 Posts
Status
Not open for further replies.
Top