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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Hi everyone. I am new here and here's my story.
I have been married for 25 years. When I got married I had a successful career (my own private small business) and my husband told me to quit my business and to become a housewife (which I did). We had a brand new baby and I was stay at home mom/housewife. Everything was great for the first year then I started noticing red flags with finances. I was NOT allowed to buy anything (even clothes for myself). I could not go to get manicure done nor a haircut because there was always "we have no money for your nails" etc....
This is financial abuse but I don't want to talk about financial abuse right now. I thought it was "normal" till next year when I had discovered that my husband had spent on himself thousands of dollars....

Besides all that crap, the COVID19 really showed me that he was cheating on me too! He never confessed and never showed any signs except that for 2.5 years he was always staying LATE at work for 2-3 hours EVERY DAY! He'd tell me at 6:00 p.m. I'd get text from him "something broke at work. I have to fix it. I don't know how long it would take"....
I became suspicious when things were "breaking EVERY SINGLE DAY" and he'd come home at 7:30 p.m. or 8:30 p.m daily instead 6:30.
When COVID happened, I had asked him to work from home since my health wasn't great and I was "high risk" he became VERY mad and agitated with me! He was screaming that only HE would be the one who'd work from home. (back then I didn't realize that he wanted to go to his work to see his mistress at work/his co-worker).
So he was working from home and 2 days into his "work from home" he started telling me "something broke at work, I have to go". He'd go at 4 p.m. and he'd take a long, nice hot shower before he'd leave and he'd be gone for 3-4 hours!! During that time he was not reachable by phone nor by text. Then he'd return home and his underwear (his briefs) were pulled up to his chest (on his back) (he didn't see) but I had asked him "what is this??? Is this how you walk??" He'd reply : "I guess that's how I walk in the office"...

His office is 98% females! There are only 3 men working for the company : he, another elderly guy and the owner of the company who is working from home from another state!
So my husband would come home with his polo shirt untuck from his pants!! It was NEVER untuck in 23 years of his career and then it was untuck every other day (like hanging out of his pants)! He always had leather belt supporting his pants! I began to suspect infidelity!
When I tried to be intimate with him on a Friday, he'd tell me "I can't have sex on Friday because I get tired at work" (he works at his computer in his own office). I understood that he was seeing someone else on Friday and that's why he didn't have energy for me! He'd also told me that "If you have a friend guy, you can go sleep with him".... I guess he thought that if I'll go cheat on him, he would not feel as guilty....

To cut a long story short, it's been going on for 2 years! Recently like 3 weeks ago I found on his phone his worker's photo! Fully clothes and slightly smirking with a smile. He took her photo! I asked him "why did you take her photo? Why do you have her photo on YOUR phone?" His reply was "I don't know how that photo got on my phone.... I am so tired of all these lies that I can't take it anymore! WHY would a married man take a photo of his co-worker in their office and keep it on his phone?? I suspect he fantasizes about her and masturbates to her photo. He did not deny that he's masturbating when I go to sleep to bed.... that's another issue I can't get over...

My question is : Why would a married man take a photo of his co worker and keep that photo on his phone? Should I approach her and ask her if she's sleeping with my husband? She will probably not reply... she's married with 2 children.

Thanks!
 

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No, don’t approach her, don’t do it. If they are up to no good, she’ll run to your husband straight away and tell him.

Have you told him of your suspicions?
 

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The red flags are everywhere. For starters, since he wants to spend less time with you, do the 180 on him. In reality, you need to start preparing for what's next. It's doubtful that it's "live happily ever after", at least with him.

 

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Discussion Starter · #4 ·
Thanks! I will not go to her. I have not told him of my suspicions. My only problem right now, that every time I earn an income per month, he find a reason to take my money. Like ALL of it (even cents). He says "we don't have enough money to pay the bills" so he takes my money. He's making very good income. All my friends don't have words how it's even possible for him not to have enough money to pay the bills... 2 weeks ago our electricity was cut off! I was in shock because he pays the bills! I called him at work and asked him "what's going on?" He said "I've been paying the bill" yet when I called the light company, they've told me that the bill hadn't been paid for 5 months! Yet ALL this time he'd been showing to me all our bills and how his salary isn't enough to pay the bills. Yet he hadn't been paying the bills. I also found that that he hadn't paid our mortgage as well but he lied to me that he'd been paying. Taking my earned money "to cover the mortgage payment" in reality he hadn't been paying the mortgage. I need to start saving some money to get out, because after 18+ years of being a housewife and a stay-at-home-mother, I don't have many choices when it comes to jobs. I do have several "jobs" right now that aren't 100% stable. But every single time I earn something, he finds a reason to spend my money on! Six month ago he took my $6000 and had purchased for himself a brand new car (he'd been buying himself a brand new car every 3 years). I have been driving an old car for 5 years go (my car is 11 years old).
 

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Be on the lookout for a gambling, drug, or OW problem.
 
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If he is shaking you down for your money, demand to see the records of bills paid and his income. If he can show that his income is being consumed by bills he is justified in wanting you to do your part, but it sounds like that isn't going to be true.
 

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Why have you let your husband treat you this way???

You need to separate your finances. Save money and get out! How old are your children?

You can have a free consultation with a lawyer and discuss your options. After 10 years of marriage you might get spousal support for life! Talk to a lawyer!

I can't believe you have stayed with him this long. He mistreats you, he doesn't see you as his equal and he might be cheating.

Why would you want to stay married to him?
 

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Discussion Starter · #8 ·
If he is shaking you down for your money, demand to see the records of bills paid and his income. If he can show that his income is being consumed by bills he is justified in wanting you to do your part, but it sounds like that isn't going to be true.
He shows me print outs and I don't understand any of it! Last time he printed for me my gym membership TWICE and I've been paying for it myself! I also buy my own clothes/shoes and buy clothes for our son too. What he shows me (statements) etc is complete BS! Besides I've told him "I don't understand any of it" and he smiles and says "I know"
 

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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
Why have you let your husband treat you this way???

You need to separate your finances. Save money and get out! How old are your children?

You can have a free consultation with a lawyer and discuss your options. After 10 years of marriage you might get spousal support for life! Talk to a lawyer!

I can't believe you have stayed with him this long. He mistreats you, he doesn't see you as his equal and he might be cheating.

Why would you want to stay married to him?
Our son is going to college this year. I've stayed that long because I wasn't working and I've been sick (very sick)
 

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He shows me print outs and I don't understand any of it! Last time he printed for me my gym membership TWICE and I've been paying for it myself! I also buy my own clothes/shoes and buy clothes for our son too. What he shows me (statements) etc is complete BS! Besides I've told him "I don't understand any of it" and he smiles and says "I know"
It sounds to me like you did understand some of it, at least the gym membership. This shouldn't be a fight, it should be him explaining to you where the money has gone, and you trying to understand. If something isn't right, say calmly "But I pay my gym membership, you don't." If you don't understand something, calmly ask him to explain.
 

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Do you have a joint account at your bank? If so, march yourself down to the bank and have them print out a statement. That should tell you where the money is going. I would start a savings account separate from him. Even if you put $50/ month in there.

I would also log onto the phone provider and see who he is talking to. Get a lawyer too.
 

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Hi everyone. I am new here and here's my story.
I have been married for 25 years. When I got married I had a successful career (my own private small business) and my husband told me to quit my business and to become a housewife (which I did). We had a brand new baby and I was stay at home mom/housewife. Everything was great for the first year then I started noticing red flags with finances. I was NOT allowed to buy anything (even clothes for myself). I could not go to get manicure done nor a haircut because there was always "we have no money for your nails" etc....
This is financial abuse but I don't want to talk about financial abuse right now. I thought it was "normal" till next year when I had discovered that my husband had spent on himself thousands of dollars....

Besides all that crap, the COVID19 really showed me that he was cheating on me too! He never confessed and never showed any signs except that for 2.5 years he was always staying LATE at work for 2-3 hours EVERY DAY! He'd tell me at 6:00 p.m. I'd get text from him "something broke at work. I have to fix it. I don't know how long it would take"....
I became suspicious when things were "breaking EVERY SINGLE DAY" and he'd come home at 7:30 p.m. or 8:30 p.m daily instead 6:30.
When COVID happened, I had asked him to work from home since my health wasn't great and I was "high risk" he became VERY mad and agitated with me! He was screaming that only HE would be the one who'd work from home. (back then I didn't realize that he wanted to go to his work to see his mistress at work/his co-worker).
So he was working from home and 2 days into his "work from home" he started telling me "something broke at work, I have to go". He'd go at 4 p.m. and he'd take a long, nice hot shower before he'd leave and he'd be gone for 3-4 hours!! During that time he was not reachable by phone nor by text. Then he'd return home and his underwear (his briefs) were pulled up to his chest (on his back) (he didn't see) but I had asked him "what is this??? Is this how you walk??" He'd reply : "I guess that's how I walk in the office"...

His office is 98% females! There are only 3 men working for the company : he, another elderly guy and the owner of the company who is working from home from another state!
So my husband would come home with his polo shirt untuck from his pants!! It was NEVER untuck in 23 years of his career and then it was untuck every other day (like hanging out of his pants)! He always had leather belt supporting his pants! I began to suspect infidelity!
When I tried to be intimate with him on a Friday, he'd tell me "I can't have sex on Friday because I get tired at work" (he works at his computer in his own office). I understood that he was seeing someone else on Friday and that's why he didn't have energy for me! He'd also told me that "If you have a friend guy, you can go sleep with him".... I guess he thought that if I'll go cheat on him, he would not feel as guilty....

To cut a long story short, it's been going on for 2 years! Recently like 3 weeks ago I found on his phone his worker's photo! Fully clothes and slightly smirking with a smile. He took her photo! I asked him "why did you take her photo? Why do you have her photo on YOUR phone?" His reply was "I don't know how that photo got on my phone.... I am so tired of all these lies that I can't take it anymore! WHY would a married man take a photo of his co-worker in their office and keep it on his phone?? I suspect he fantasizes about her and masturbates to her photo. He did not deny that he's masturbating when I go to sleep to bed.... that's another issue I can't get over...

My question is : Why would a married man take a photo of his co worker and keep that photo on his phone? Should I approach her and ask her if she's sleeping with my husband? She will probably not reply... she's married with 2 children.

Thanks!
Wow! I'm so sorry that you are here with this. So, let me see if I have this straight. 1) Your husband of 25 years, talked you out of having a career in order to be a stay at home mom. 2) has been bleeding you dry of money and not taking care of basic utilities, mortgage etc. 3)is banging some skank at work and has pics of said skank on his cell phone 4) denies sex to you and recommended that you go bang one of your "male friends". Is that it? And why in the hell are you still with him? What could possibly keep you drawn in? Your children? How many children do you have with him? Your children are watching you and your husband interact. They are being imprinted with how your marriage is going and they will think that this is normal. You need to consult a lawyer now. I know you do not have much money, but the lawyer can tell you what you are ENTITLED TO of your husbands income (alimony and child support). Have you had an STD test? If not, you need to do it ASAP. Now is the time for immediate action. You and your children deserve better than this!
 

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Thanks! I will not go to her. I have not told him of my suspicions. My only problem right now, that every time I earn an income per month, he find a reason to take my money. Like ALL of it (even cents). He says "we don't have enough money to pay the bills" so he takes my money. He's making very good income. All my friends don't have words how it's even possible for him not to have enough money to pay the bills... 2 weeks ago our electricity was cut off! I was in shock because he pays the bills! I called him at work and asked him "what's going on?" He said "I've been paying the bill" yet when I called the light company, they've told me that the bill hadn't been paid for 5 months! Yet ALL this time he'd been showing to me all our bills and how his salary isn't enough to pay the bills. Yet he hadn't been paying the bills. I also found that that he hadn't paid our mortgage as well but he lied to me that he'd been paying. Taking my earned money "to cover the mortgage payment" in reality he hadn't been paying the mortgage. I need to start saving some money to get out, because after 18+ years of being a housewife and a stay-at-home-mother, I don't have many choices when it comes to jobs. I do have several "jobs" right now that aren't 100% stable. But every single time I earn something, he finds a reason to spend my money on! Six month ago he took my $6000 and had purchased for himself a brand new car (he'd been buying himself a brand new car every 3 years). I have been driving an old car for 5 years go (my car is 11 years old).
Nope. Go to a lawyer NOW. They can often draw up separation or divorce ppw with emergency orders on support so that you have $ to pay bills and support yourself until something is finalized and until you can figure out how to bring in some of your own income.

I suggest you see a lawyer ASAP before you find yourself homeless.
 

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Get your own bank account and deposit your earnings in it. Your husband is guilty of financial infidelity as well as possibly physical/emotional infidelity. When the mail comes, open the bills and totally understand them. Make a list of them and the amounts owed. Check last year's taxes to see what he earned and compare that to the monthly bills.

You can not just throw up your hands and claim you don't understand anything. Once you've gathered the basic info, see an attorney.
 

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Discussion Starter · #15 ·
It sounds to me like you did understand some of it, at least the gym membership. This shouldn't be a fight, it should be him explaining to you where the money has gone, and you trying to understand. If something isn't right, say calmly "But I pay my gym membership, you don't." If you don't understand something, calmly ask him to explain.
Already did all that. I had asked him "why my gym membership is on that printout TWICE?" I pay for it with my own money what I try to make. His reply was : "That's how the app printed it out, I did not do it on purpose" Part of me wants to believe him and part of me understands that he's just lying to me about EVERYTHING! Turned out he hadn't paid to light company in 5 months but he'd told me that "he'd been paying" and while he'd told me "he'd been paying the bills" it turned out he hadn't! Then the question is..... where did the money go???? I earned last month $1500 (not much) he took everything and told me "to cover to pay our bills" he makes more than $100k a year. We live in very modest home and I drive an 11-year-old car, we have old furniture that we got from our neighbor for free, he doesn't buy me anything at all! So I just don't understand where the money is going....He's been obsessed with the stock market, accounts, investments and porn
 

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Discussion Starter · #16 ·
Get your own bank account and deposit your earnings in it. Your husband is guilty of financial infidelity as well as possibly physical/emotional infidelity. When the mail comes, open the bills and totally understand them. Make a list of them and the amounts owed. Check last year's taxes to see what he earned and compare that to the monthly bills.

You can not just throw up your hands and claim you don't understand anything. Once you've gathered the basic info, see an attorney.
Thanks! I've noticed that many "bills" to go his work address. He'd made Amazon purchases that never arrived to our home! I only found his "receipts" in his trash can on his computer and they were screenshots and did not show what exactly the item was! It just said "arriving xyz date" that day came and went by and nothing ever arrived. He's a manager at his work so it probably arrived to his work
 

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Discussion Starter · #17 ·
You can not just throw up your hands and claim you don't understand anything. Once you've gathered the basic info, see an attorney.
Attorney told me $2500 to get the ball rolling and if she needs to go to court it's $350/hour. Since he takes away my money or trying to force me to make large purchases so I am constantly in debt, I coluld not afford an attorney last year. This year I am more self focused and I've saved up enough just to hire a lawyer but no the $350 /hour. Right now I am trying to get a job (a physical job) so it would get me a sense of some financial security. When I'll file for divorce, I'd need to move out because he makes "faces" he does this emotional stonewalling and not talking to me when he doesn't like something and it doesn't go well with my emotions. I start crying, I don't sleep at night, I feel like someone beat me up with 1001 baseball bats. Then in morning he is hugging me as if nothing had happened and tells me "I love you". At times I feel like I am going crazy! EVERYTHING I tried to ask/begged him to confess he tells me : "You imagined all that. You watch too many movies. I've never said that".
Last week he told me "instead of going on vacations to Florida (I went with our son back then all 4 times when our son was young. I took him to see the Disneyworld and to Daytona Beach) he told me "You should've been paying your medical bills instead of going on vacations). In 25 years time, I was on vacation only 5 times! I worked all other years (part-time as a housewife).
 

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Discussion Starter · #18 ·
Nope. Go to a lawyer NOW. They can often draw up separation or divorce ppw with emergency orders on support so that you have $ to pay bills and support yourself until something is finalized and until you can figure out how to bring in some of your own income.

I suggest you see a lawyer ASAP before you find yourself homeless.
How can I do that? Who'll pay for my grocery bill? Who'll pay for my utilities? As I understand, I need to get a job to have (financial security while I'll file for divorce)
 

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Already did all that. I had asked him "why my gym membership is on that printout TWICE?" I pay for it with my own money what I try to make. His reply was : "That's how the app printed it out, I did not do it on purpose" Part of me wants to believe him and part of me understands that he's just lying to me about EVERYTHING! Turned out he hadn't paid to light company in 5 months but he'd told me that "he'd been paying" and while he'd told me "he'd been paying the bills" it turned out he hadn't! Then the question is..... where did the money go???? I earned last month $1500 (not much) he took everything and told me "to cover to pay our bills" he makes more than $100k a year. We live in very modest home and I drive an 11-year-old car, we have old furniture that we got from our neighbor for free, he doesn't buy me anything at all! So I just don't understand where the money is going....He's been obsessed with the stock market, accounts, investments and porn
How is he TAKING your money? Starting TODAY, have a separate account that only YOU have access to and put every PENNY of your money there.

So, you need to get a list of all the basic bills that you know of -- house, power, phone, etc.. Then SPECIFICALLY ask where is the payment for the house for Jan, Feb, March, etc.. Where it the payment for Power for each month, etc.. DO NOT let him snow you -- by showing you a TON of data, he is manipulating you so that you CAN'T make sense of it. That way you can't figure out what he is doing -- and he is DOING THIS INTENTIONALLY.

Does he at least pay for things for the kids on time?

As @Pip’sJourney suggested, go to your bank DIRECTLY and get printouts of your accounts for the last 6 months (savings and checking). I bet you will find where the money went (at the very least you will see a ton of cash withdrawals).

You need to get copies of all this stuff, and get to a lawyer. You really don't need to live in this type of disrespectful and outright LYING relationship.
 

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Thanks! I've noticed that many "bills" to go his work address. He'd made Amazon purchases that never arrived to our home! I only found his "receipts" in his trash can on his computer and they were screenshots and did not show what exactly the item was! It just said "arriving xyz date" that day came and went by and nothing ever arrived. He's a manager at his work so it probably arrived to his work
Do you have access to his amazon account? If YOU are also on the bills (power, mortgage, etc.) contact the COMPANY and get the address of the bills changed to your house. That would be a start.
 
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