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Stick it out or get out?

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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I'm 24 years old, been with my husband for a little over 2 years, married 1. (went to high school together, so I know you're thinking we married too young/soon) He'll be 24 in a few months, so we're the same age. We have no kids, neither do we want any. That's never been an issue.

To set the premise for you: From day one we've had nothing but similar interestes, hobbies, wants, needs, outlooks and goals. Like any normal, human couple, we've had our minor disagreements but nothing out of the ordinary..We were perfect for each other. Had sex regularly, I won't be graphic, but put it to you this way; he was never left wanting for anything in any way AT ALL. I've never been the shy type..

Having said that.. Once while we were engaged I had found a bunch of porn on our shared computer, now given how our sex life (as far as I could see) was more than perfect, I couldn't understand why the need for this.. When I first brought this to his attention, he denied even looking at the porn and denied "doing" anything, if you know what I mean. Once I PULLED the truth out of him, told him that no matter how ugly or pretty, any truth is better than a lie, he told me it was because I was boring him in bed, that I just wasn't enough basically. After long talks and whatnot, he said he was just bored in general (at that moment in time) it had really nothing to do with me. So me being accepting of the male way, took it for what it was, told him it made me feel insecure and I didn't want it to happen again. That if that was something he was interested in then I would happily participate, just be open and honest. We moved on..

Then about 8 months into our married life, he did it again but tried to hide it and lied again. Once I got him to finally admit the truth to me again, he said he was just bored and looking for stimulation at that moment. Mind you, I was in the bed in the other room ready, willing and able for whatever he needed.. We talked it out, he opened up to me by telling me how porn has just always been a part of his life from a young age and he mostly just watches it for entertainment and sexual ideas to play out with me. I accepted that answer and just repeated to him how it made me feel, that I wanted to be included and that still, no matter how ugly or pretty, any truth is better than a lie. I asked him to please never lie or hide anything from me again. He swore on our marriage..

Over the past month or two he's been completely silent with me. Totally shut me out. I've been basically pulling teeth trying to get him to talk to me about his thoughts, his feelings, anything at all. After a few weeks of me begging for communication (something that was one of our biggest strong points) I finally became nasty. No longer patient, just wanting answers. So I would yell and fight with him. After about one week of that, in the middle of a fight I needed to step out, take a breather and he wouldn't let me leave. he blocked the doors, stood "guard" and screamed in my face that if I even stepped foot outside, I wasn't welcome back in. This irrational threat made me more furious. "So you won't talk to me but I can't step outside for a breather?? No sense.." He kept telling me to sit down and I wouldn't so he grabbed me by the wrists and threw me down onto the couch. I struggled to get out from under him, now only seeing red.. He held me down and just yelled in my face. Finally he let me go and I ran SO fast out that door.. Sat in a parking lot, cried and all that. I came home about 4 hours later to a silent home. He was angry at me for leaving, but what was I to do?? I told him his behavior was unacceptable and I needed answers. Took 2 more days but he finally says that he's changed. He agrees that what he has done (silence and rage) is abusive and he feels it can't be fixed. He tells me that he doesn't know what he wants, who he wants (no, there's nobody else). He says he's no longer attracted to me. I told him I felt it was because of all the fighting but he says no, he thinks I'm fat ("I don't like your belly.. you look pregnant.. I'd like to see you have a flatter belly.. ever thought of sit-ups?") and ugly ("you've been breaking out.. it's gross.."). I must say that as a realist I would accept this if I had changed at all during our relationship but I truely have not. I haven't gained a single pound, I still look, act and dress the exact SAME as on our first date. The only difference is that I've recently had a few minor breakouts on my face because of the hormonal change from having an IUD inserted. I swear to you, that's IT.

I really don't know where to go from here.. I'm so young yet I feel ancient. I feel used and empty, I feel alone and insecure. I've always been confident and openminded to everything and everyone but this is a pill I just can't swallow. Could this just be a phase he's going through? I know it sounds corny, but we are the type of people who believe in true love, soulmates and don't subscribe to the typical media shallowness, if you know what I mean. We always kind of wrote our own ticket. But all I'm hearing from him is deciet and superficial BS. To see this sudden change in the one person I've ever felt comfortable with, trusted, vowed to grow old with.. It's killing me. I haven't slept, haven't eaten. I've been "not-sleeping" on the couch and he says he doesn't even miss me. On top of it all, last week our car was totaled in an accident in which I was driving. He seems to be completely unphased by even this.. Like it really doesn't matter. When I ask him about it, all he says is "I'm glad you're not hurt". All I hear from him is confusion, anger, disgust, even resentment.

Please, please, someone help me get out of this hole...
 

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"Get the hell out now."

He should NEVER have grabbed you and thrown you into the couch. He should not have yelled in your face. He should not be threatening you. He should not have lied about porn. He should NEVER have said such hurtful things (you're boring, you're ugly, you're gross). Porn should never be more interesting than real sex with his real wife.

He has a serious porn addiction, he is emotionally abusive, and he is becoming physically abusive. Get the hell out now, no more chances.

It isn't you. You could be perfect and he would still be sick. He would still find you boring and ugly compared to fantasies and airbrushed bodies. This is his issue and he needs help- but you don't have to be there while he gets it.

Get out before he makes you feel worse about yourself or before he physically hurts you.
 

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Discussion Starter · #4 ·
Complexity:

He's never been violent with me before.. I know how that sounds.. I've been in an abusive relationship in my early teens but I just never saw this coming.. I don't want to live with the stigma of divorce, nor would we even be able to afford it..
 

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There are some problems but it's completely reversable.....

For starters you need to drill in your head that men are taught from an early age to be introverted with their feelings. We are conditioned not to show weakness and hide what's really going on out of fear that you'll lose respect. Every man has his own way of expressing himself and he may have wanted to tell you at some point but you wanted instant gratification and made the same mistake every woman makes, you b*tched and drove him further away. Now it's not the want for communication that was the problem but the tonality, timing, and temper that could have made a peaceful conversation seem like a personal attack.

I can not defend his aggressive actions but I can tell you what was going through his head and the bigger picture. For one thing, the honeymoon is over and you're now faced with real life problems. Now you can chicken out and go through a string of failed relationsips or you can try to understand him better and honor your marital vowes. Ok I have you so far... good. What's happening here is a clear and deffinate POWER STRUGGLE. You both have yet to work out who's in charge of what and what boundaries not to cross. And one of those on his part is physical abuse and hurtful words, but to you that means not confronting him a way that makes him feel inferior..... and honey, by telling him how hurt you are when he's not ready to accept that truth you're only making this worse.

A lot of women here will do there best to speak for men about porn but you can't truely understand. Porn for us is not about lusting after other women, hell at this point I'd say it was his go to device for stress relief. What I would be more worried about is if he was looking at any extremes like incest, kiddie porn, beastiality, or BDSM..... That's the sign of a true porn addict Now I'm seeing signs that he may have some anxiety/depression since for one, sex addiction is a symptom but not the cause. I would be worried more about his anger issues if he's botteling everything up and pushing you away. This sort of anger never goes without an implosive cycle of depression soon after.... and then finally he will feel remorse for what he did. He may not be perfect but he know what he did hurt you and will beat himself up for it later on.

My question to you is.... Can you be secure enough with yourself to let him watch porn once in a while and go back to having a happy marriage? Because it's asinine to think your husband will never have another sexual urge for another woman be it tv, video games, porn, or cartoon, or real woman The important thing you both have that deeper connection that makes the reprocussions of an affair too great to go for it.
 

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The thing with abuse is there always has to be a first time. So you have now experienced the first time. It will only get worse after this. The first time is never the worst.

Divorce is not a stigma, not these days. What is a stigma is to stay in an abusive relationship and become a beaten down woman.

Why can't you afford a divorce. Do you work? Does he work? Why would a divorce cost the two of you much at all? How much community property have you accumulated in the last 2 years?
 

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Jessy you've only been married one year and he's already acting out like this. I'm not pretending to know your husband more than you do but to be honest if this what I have to look forward for the for the rest my life, I'd take Kitty's advice and get the hell out now. If you actually go back and read your post and ask yourself "why" he decided to put his hands on you and you could come up with logical rational answer then by all means stay, if not, well listen to what he's actually telling you. He's breaking you down mentally and making you question your self esteem.

Besides, the stigma will never be on you, it would be on him.
 

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Discussion Starter · #8 ·
NSWEET:

Thanks for the reply. I love your perspective.

Porn isn't my big issue here. It's the trust and deceit. I've watched porn with him. It made for some really HOT action. I definitely think it can be a healthy thing that can bring two people closer together. I mean, if you can't be who you truely are with your spouse then why be married, right?

The only reason I'm feeling insecure now is because I haven't changed a BIT from day one but suddenly I'm not what he wants?? Weird..

I'm not perfect but I'm not a crazy nagging wife. Any conversation about porn, sex, life, whatever has always started calm, non aggressive, no attack. I actually just ask questions. I only want to know what makes him tick and I only want to get closer to him.

I've even told him I'd go as far as giving him a threesome to keep him happy if that was what he wanted. I asked him "do you have any fantasies? fetishes? If so, I'd like to make it all happen for you" and he says no, that I'm all he wants and needs.. and then this.. it's misleading.. I've always done everything in my power to make him comfortable to be open with me with NO jugdement or anything..

I just don't see justification for all this. How can you just wake up one day (after only being with someone for 2 years) and decide you don't like them at all anymore??
 

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Would you guys listen to yourselves?!?!....
You're taking one side of the argument and persuading her to get a divorce like it's a piercing or something. A divorce hurts more than you will ever know and leaves scars foyears! I've seen women high five each other one moment and then come out of mediation crying their eyes out, because they know they could have done more that jump to divorce.

Maybe I'm just biased because I was like him at one point. I was aggressive with my wife and severely addicted to porn and video games to hide my suffering I didn't want her to see after leaving Navy for her. When she left, I got better and did everything I could to make amends but it was too late. She had given her heart to a POS player that lusted after her for years. I became the man she married and she still would't forgive me. I've lost 3 relatives since she left and divorce is still much more painful.

You people will never know the pain he is going through but I sure do! I have had the chance to talk with people like him and worse. He's no that bad belive me! Jessey, he is still a good man inside so do not give up on him.
 

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Discussion Starter · #10 ·
ELEGIRL:

No, we have basically NOTHING together. Yes, we both work. As for the abuse, I understand that people may say/do things irrationally when they're upset or pushed to their limits but I would never do this to him.. but then again everyone is different. It's just scary that I've had to lie to cover his butt in the past once..

We had a pretty heated arguement once right after we got married and he punched a wall. We ended up having to go the hospital because he had a boxers break or something like that. Being that we're so close with my family and see them all the time, I had to make up a lie that we were rearranging furniture and I dropped the couch on his hand. That was a huge eye opener for me but I figured, ehh everyone slips up, everyone deserves a chance or two.

The worst part of this all is that HE'S the one who wanted to rush the relationship along, it was HIS idea to move in so quickly, to get engaged, to get married. I even resisted him a little at first. Don't get me wrong, I was a full participant in all the makings of this marriage but all I can say at this point is that I've never ever let him down and still wouldn't.. Just feels like I got a bait and switch.
 

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ELEGIRL:

No, we have basically NOTHING together. Yes, we both work. As for the abuse, I understand that people may say/do things irrationally when they're upset or pushed to their limits but I would never do this to him.. but then again everyone is different. It's just scary that I've had to lie to cover his butt in the past once..

We had a pretty heated arguement once right after we got married and he punched a wall. We ended up having to go the hospital because he had a boxers break or something like that. Being that we're so close with my family and see them all the time, I had to make up a lie that we were rearranging furniture and I dropped the couch on his hand. That was a huge eye opener for me but I figured, ehh everyone slips up, everyone deserves a chance or two.

The worst part of this all is that HE'S the one who wanted to rush the relationship along, it was HIS idea to move in so quickly, to get engaged, to get married. I even resisted him a little at first. Don't get me wrong, I was a full participant in all the makings of this marriage but all I can say at this point is that I've never ever let him down and still wouldn't.. Just feels like I got a bait and switch.
So this was not the first time. The first time he punched the wall so hard that he broke his hand. The message when someone hits an object is that next time it could be you. The violent outburst is an attempt to impose physical control over you. So this time it escalated to physical violence against you with him grabbing you, pushing you, etc. So the level of violence is already escalating.

His putting you down is more of the abuse pattern. An abusive person will use more than one method.. the put downs to tear down your self-esteem and the threat of physical violence and actual violence to scare you into submission and to gain control o f you.

Of course this looks like bate and switch. That’s exactly what it is. There is a book out there “Men Who Hate Women and the Women Who Love Them : When Loving Hurts and You Don't Know Why”.

The book describes the bait and switch that goes on. That guys who are like this seem too good to be true when you are dating them. They will push to close the deal on the marriage very quickly. Then once married and feeling comfortable they switch and their controlling violent side comes out. You might want to read the book. You might very well see your relationship in it. You say that this is your second relationship with an abusive man. You could learn a lot that would help you avoid getting involved with another man like this.

You should really tell your parents the truth about when he hurt his hand. Telling lies to cover up for violence and abuse is part of the co-dependent type of behavior that is required to allow abuse to be nurtured and to grow.
 

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ELEGIRL:

No, we have basically NOTHING together. Yes, we both work.
So if you have basically nothing together and you both work, why do you say that you cannot afford a divorce?
 

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OMG I've been tinkering with this concept for weeks now. I'm so happy I get to explain it here :D But first he Q & A.

Jessey, what hobbies and interests did you have that you stopped doing once you got married? How has your sex life changed over the past year? Have you changed the way you used to take care of yourself like you did when you were dating?
 

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Discussion Starter · #14 ·
ELEGIRL:

wow.. just your description of the book explains my situation. I'm definitely going to have to look that one up.

Right now my husband is asleep.. The fact that he is able to eat, able to sleep, able to put all this aside in order to do those things freaks me out too. I feel as though maybe I love him more than he's ever loved me. He gives me the whole "I dunno what I want, I love you and care for you but I'm not in-love with you" thing.. How can this be?? We're still pretty much newlyweds!..

Unlike him, I do not hide anything so I don't intend to hide this webchat. I will leave it open on the computer for him to read himself.. I will not delete history or anything shady. I'm an all-or-nothing kind of woman and I can't ever "half-give" to someone. I vowed to give him all and all is what he will get.. until he gets nothing.
 

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Would you guys listen to yourselves?!?!....
You're taking one side of the argument and persuading her to get a divorce like it's a piercing or something. A divorce hurts more than you will ever know and leaves scars foyears! I've seen women high five each other one moment and then come out of mediation crying their eyes out, because they know they could have done more that jump to divorce.

Maybe I'm just biased because I was like him at one point. I was aggressive with my wife and severely addicted to porn and video games to hide my suffering I didn't want her to see after leaving Navy for her. When she left, I got better and did everything I could to make amends but it was too late. She had given her heart to a POS player that lusted after her for years. I became the man she married and she still would't forgive me. I've lost 3 relatives since she left and divorce is still much more painful.

You people will never know the pain he is going through but I sure do! I have had the chance to talk with people like him and worse. He's no that bad belive me! Jessey, he is still a good man inside so do not give up on him.
I like you but I don't like this advice. Just because he is in pain doesn't mean he is allowed to yell at her, throw her around, hold her down, tell her she is ugly and boring in bed, etc. That is *his* problem and many women who try to take care of the "good man inside" wind up brutally beaten or dead. At the very least, he is seriously damaging her self esteem.

He is abusive, end of story. He can change but it isn't her job to do it and many men *don't* change. If she stays he will have no reason to change, and it sounds like he is progressively getting worse.

ETA: Ew, he told you "I love you but I'm not in love with you." That's very bad. He has checked out.
 

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Would you guys listen to yourselves?!?!....
You're taking one side of the argument and persuading her to get a divorce like it's a piercing or something. A divorce hurts more than you will ever know and leaves scars foyears! I've seen women high five each other one moment and then come out of mediation crying their eyes out, because they know they could have done more that jump to divorce.
Yes I know how divorce hurts. I’ve been divorced. I’ve been divorced from a man who was emotionally and physically abusive. Been there and done both.. been abused and been divorced. Let me assure you that the scares left by divorce are nothing compared to the scares left by the emotional and physical abuse.
Maybe I'm just biased because I was like him at one point. I was aggressive with my wife and severely addicted to porn and video games to hide my suffering I didn't want her to see after leaving Navy for her. When she left, I got better and did everything I could to make amends but it was too late. She had given her heart to a POS player that lusted after her for years. I became the man she married and she still would't forgive me. I've lost 3 relatives since she left and divorce is still much more painful.
I’m glad to hear that you have done things to improve yourself. But I don’t think you have any clue of how much damage such behavior can cause a person. If you did you would understand why your wife cannot come back to you and why she cannot forgive you.
It is immoral and unethical to encourage a person to stay in an abusive relationship. The OP cannot fix her husband. Your advice to her was basically for her to behave herself so that he will not physically hurt her. Wow… bad advice. There is no excuse for what he has done to her… none what so ever. And it’s going to excalate.
You people will never know the pain he is going through but I sure do! I have had the chance to talk with people like him and worse. He's no that bad belive me! Jessey, he is still a good man inside so do not give up on him.
If he will not share his pain, get counseling and work on it then there is nothing that she or anyone else can do for him. If the OP allows herself to be abused because of some supposed pain that he will not talk about, then she becomes co-dependent and her life is ruined. Your sympathy is misplaced on a man who prefers to abuse his wife over actually handling his own issues.

Good people do not emotionally and physically abuse others.
 

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Discussion Starter · #17 ·
NSWEET:

Hobbies and Interests:
I still obtain and practice all my hobbies frequently. My patterns have not changed in any way in that catergory. My husband is incredibly talented artisticly. He no longer draws unless I push him to. He liked to play the guitar, couldn't tell you the last time he's touched it. It actually is covered in dust.. He just sits and plays video games.

Sex Life:
Over the past year it's just become a chore. I've tried toys, we've watched porn together (that was great) sex games, coupons, love notes. You name it.. I'm the one who always initiates it, (every time) I'm the one who tries new things and wants to just bring us closer and explore more (if he's ok with that of course)

Self Care:
Everything I do, I do for me in that respect. I've always kept my hair healthy and beautiful. (I do hair so I'm my own advertisement) I always do my makeup, dress nice, wear lingerie (although with the lies and deciet that has stopped obviously) My eating habits are the same, my weight is the same, my hygeine is the same. I'm a "no-hair" type of woman so you better believe my business is ALWAYS in order. The only thing I could say is that my attitude has gotten rough around the edges due to the lies, fighting and stress..
 

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Discussion Starter · #18 ·
KITTYKAT09:

Thanks for the defense btw..

Yea what the hell does that mean?? Even after all this I'm still madly inlove with him. Otherwise why would I be here?? I do understand this could be just "his problem" but I married him and vowed to support and stick by him. I intend to try and help him but not if this is gonna destroy me on the way down, you know?

I'm wondering if he is having identity issues. He keeps saying he's changed, he doesn't know what he wants.. No offense to any males out there but they say that women come "into their own" way sooner than men. Maybe he committed to me before he really knew who he was as an individual..? Just a thought..
 

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Sorry, I didn't read her newer posts where the H got more physical. And EleGirl, there's much more too it that what I've already posted but let's not hijack here.

I'm still thinking on this one....
 

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Jessy,

You are conflicted in how to handle this. Individual counseling might be the best thing for you right now. I would suggest at a place that specializes in abusive relationships. Eventually you might be able to get your husband to go to counseling and even to anger management classes/sessions.

The one book that I suggested is definately a good read for you. Another that I would suggest is "The Dance of Anger".
 
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