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Discussion Starter #1
I've been married for 23 years. My husband has been an achohollic for years. Erectile disfunction has been an issue for 15 years. I think because of the alcohol. The past 15 years, have been very hard for me. I feel unattractive and emotionally empty. I haven't even had a kiss is 15 years. I don't know what to do? I love him like a family member; but I need to have touch! I know he lives me; but I don't know how to live without sex. I'm so depressed.
Nene
 

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I have heard that being married to an alcoholic is very difficult. On top of this, you haven’t been intimate with him or even a kiss in 15 yrs? Most would wonder why you stay in the marriage. Shouldn’t a marriage benefit both? Shouldn’t a marriage make intimacy easier and better? Shouldn’t a marriage increase one’s overall happiness rather than decrease it?
I suppose you stay because you love the man. That’s very admirable. He is lucky. You’re not.
 

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Have you really considered a friend with benefits? Your current lifestyle and yours and his activities will tell you whether you can pull it off without detection. First and foremost, you can't be sending messages on cell phones or email.
 

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Where is it written that you must stay in a lousy marriage, forever?

If you want to try one last time to keep together your marriage, inform your husband that you are seriously considering divorce.

If he does not want to divorce and wants to know what he must do to prevent this, he must do the below:

a) Stop drinking, altogether.
b) Get help for his ED. There are medications for this and there are other options.
c) Re-start romancing you and re-begin a regular pattern of touching and love making.
d) Get in shape.

If he refuses, or cannot, you need to trade him in.
 

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Have you really considered a friend with benefits? Your current lifestyle and yours and his activities will tell you whether you can pull it off without detection. First and foremost, you can't be sending messages on cell phones or email.
This is TAM.
Uh, this is TAM.

The FWB option is not without its risks.

A lady finding a lover is easy enough, finding a good (on the side) one is very difficult.
Maybe harder than finding a (new) and good husband.
 

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Get into Al-Anon. The only request made to new members is they give six meetings a try. If it's not for you, fine.

Get a free consultation with an attorney who specializes in family law.

Read threads on the SoberRecovery forum; specifically the sub-forum titled "Friends and Family of Alcoholics."

Get training for a job. If you have any marketable skills, start looking around to see for what you may qualify.

Stop being helpless and hopeless. Living with an alcoholic sucks the life out of you. There IS a better life than the one you have right now.
 

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Discussion Starter #13
Where is it written that you must stay in a lousy marriage, forever?

If you want to try one last time to keep together your marriage, inform your husband that you are seriously considering divorce.

If he does not want to divorce and wants to know what he must do to prevent this, he must do the below:

a) Stop drinking, altogether.
b) Get help for his ED. There are medications for this and there are other options.
c) Re-start romancing you and re-begin a regular pattern of touching and love making.
d) Get in shape.

If he refuses, or cannot, you need to trade him in.
I left him last summer, withthi those conditions. It was great for awhile. He is reverting back to same actions. He thinks I don't know. The other thing is he watches porn behind my back. He can watch porn but doesn't want me. I'm an attractive lady; he's just not interested in sex anymore. Refuses to go to the doctor and continues to lie about drinking.
 

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He is reverting back to same actions. ... continues to lie about drinking.
Of course he lies. He's an alcoholic, and that's what alcoholics do. The thing is, you are posting here, not him. So what he does is his business and his to own. As for you, it's time to get your focus off the addict in your life and get the focus on yourself. That's all you can own.

With a marriage of longevity, you certainly won't be left out in the streets. But you need to become proactive in order to have the sort of life you want. The addict? Leave him to accept the consequences of his actions. I was married to an alcoholic, so I know of what I speak. I had to learn to detach and allow my husband to reach his bottom. Sadly, his bottom was death.
 

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I left him last summer, withthi those conditions. It was great for awhile. He is reverting back to same actions. He thinks I don't know. The other thing is he watches porn behind my back. He can watch porn but doesn't want me. I'm an attractive lady; he's just not interested in sex anymore. Refuses to go to the doctor and continues to lie about drinking.
Then I guess I'm not understanding what your hesitation is now...WHY are you staying?
 

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Discussion Starter #17
Of course he lies. He's an alcoholic, and that's what alcoholics do. The thing is, you are posting here, not him. So what he does is his business and his to own. As for you, it's time to get your focus off the addict in your life and get the focus on yourself. That's all you can own.

With a marriage of longevity, you certainly won't be left out in the streets. But you need to become proactive in order to have the sort of life you want. The addict? Leave him to accept the consequences of his actions. I was married to an alcoholic, so I know of what I speak. I had to learn to detach and allow my husband to reach his bottom. Sadly, his bottom was death.
TY
I'm just scared
 

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You have to get a job and build your own life. Yes, but ya scary. But people do it every day. You can too.
Don’t want to work? Hard to find a good job? Yep, it is. Consider getting some training in something and leave when you do get a steady job. Of you want things to change in your life, you have to change your life.
 
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