[beachgirl01]

Sorry for the long story: 48(F) married 23 years 53(M) together 28 years. Have two grown kids in college. To start I have a very happy, loving marriage. I love my husband more than the day we meet and I feel he feels the same, but things have changed about 9 months ago. Last Nov. I was turning down his computer and saw that he has been watching porn. Yes I know all men do but it was a shock to me, so in turn I started looking a his history to find out how addicted hiss was and at what he was look at. He is addicted to woman's feet. He will look at them for hours. On avg. its an hour but up to 3 hours. Now that I'm I know about this I caught him look at my family and friends feet. I was so upset. He says whats the different if he was looking at the butts or breasts? I didn't know what to say. To top it off I then had to make a chose and have foot surgery because of the pain I was having and that sent me in to a downward sprial of depression knowing now is attraction to feet. I couldnt even talk to him about it with him well know how upset I was and I could even show it to him. Knowing how unsexy it is to him.I also knew he liked legs and I guess feet but not at all to this extent. I am not naive I have just been working full time , raising a family and two dogs. Now that the dogs are gone and kids are in college I guess Im more aware of what is going on in my husbands life and I'm having a very hard time with it. We have a great sex life I'm not complaining. It's just that he is not the person I thought I knew and I have to expect it and it's hard. I had loss sleep, lost 30 pounds and it has changed me. I wish I could go back and not know what I now know. I have become more aggressive with him and sex, I love sex. I have been dressing sexier and I even sent him a sexy valentine picture over the phone. (which I would never do) I think all of this was a shock to him and he wanted to know why I was questioning my sexuality. I told him because of what I now know. We have had 5 fights , discussion about this and he believes I should just grow up. That it has nothing to do with me. That he loves me very much. I even went to a therapist but will not be going back. She feels he has an addiction and would like group therapy. That would never happen. He admits he is obsessed and is addicted but its not affecting our sex life so whats the problem?

 

[richardsharpe]

Good evening
Fetishes are not that uncommon and it doesn't sound like this one is hurting anyone. I guess I don't understand why this is bothering you so much - I feel like I'm missing something.

 

[beachgirl01]

I guess it's because I was didn't realize this is how he felt and have been so out of the loop about it. I just find it uncomfortable knowing this is how he gets off. It's not like I could join him. Not know for all these years and then having the foot surgery has just taken a major hit to my self esteem.

 

[pragmaster]

Yeah fetishes aren't uncommon, but I can see why he might be a little shy or maybe even ashamed of his fetish. It could be weirder.

If he likes feet, do up your toenails and use that to your advantage.

Ditto.

 

[beachgirl01]

I understand. I have been reading up alot about fetishes. Just me I have been doing them up to the best and I know he will never stop looking but its hard.

 

[nirvana]

I suggest you just let this go. Everything seems to be fine in your life, this is not a big deal, you don't want to spoil what you have now.

 

[beachgirl01]

Very True. I just get sick to my stomach when I know he has been home all day on the computer. Or when he jumps on it when I run to the store.

Why does it need to be for so long? Am I not enough. Trust me I never turn down sex. Is he just addicted to the images? He gives me that saying all men do it, its normal just get over it. It's hard when I never knew this was going on.

 

[badsanta]

Be careful with "shaming" as it can spiral things quickly. It is much better to feel that you accept each other just the way you are and fetishes will tend to subside and be very mild. Shame them and it tends to add fuel to the fire and make them worse.

For example say that your husband discovers you have a strong desire to eat pistachio ice cream and he finds out that you have been looking at recipes online and studying them for hours and making your own ice cream in the basement. He did his best to plant you a pistachio tree but the local climate was not suited for it and his attempt to please you failed. Now he catches you looking at pistachios from somebody else at the grocery store, and you swear it is no big deal that it is not like you are shopping for booze or something. The two of you argue and feel like you are rejecting each other. Another option would be for your husband to admire your desire for pistachio ice cream and find ways be playful with you about it, like buying you a better ice cream maker and gathering healthy ingredients that the two of you might enjoy together.

As for your husband and feet. If you have had surgery on your own feet and have some self confidence issues regarding them. Overcoming that, accepting yourself and regaining your confidence is likely sexier than anything else. You and your husband can still enjoy you wearing sexy boots I imagine. Be creative, be confident, and be accepting of each other.

Cheers,
Badsanta

 

[Tango in Triple Time]

Are you upset that he has this fetish or that you didn't know about it for so long?

 

[beachgirl01]

I guess it's alittle of both. Not knowing how obsessed he was about them and that is all he looks at for hours. So the fact I didn't know about this and who he really is. Then having the foot surgery just put me in a depression. I one body part he is in to would have to be the problem.

 

[cons]

Beachgirl-

I understand that is feels very disconcerting not knowing all about your husband after so many years...especially when it deals with o sexuality (the area reserved only between the two of you)...

I'm guessing you never knew about it because your husband already had huge walls of shame built around this....and now those walls have been fortified by your reaction.

The best way to break down those walls is to approach your husband with empathy and understanding.

Do you talk to each other about your other sexual needs?

The more you talk and come alongside each other (especially in this area), the stronger the intimacy and the more you will truly know each other...

Love him enough to give him a place of safety in this.

Like another poster said...feeding the shame monster lends itself to hiding and abusing the fetish at the expense of others.

 

[turnera]

There is nothing you can do about him. What you CAN do is go back to therapy for YOU, and figure out how to come to grips with your own feelings about yourself.

And maybe count your blessings he's not going out and acting on that fetish with other people.

 

[Tango in Triple Time]

He looks at feet online for hours, and masturbates?

Let's say I love frogs. I really really love frogs. I don't think I could sit and view frogs online for more than a few minutes. That's a healthy amount of love for frogs. I'd call myself obsessed if I viewed frogs (or feet or flowers or mailboxes) for hours at a time, with or without masturbation.

You did say your sex life was fine. Right?

 

[Tango in Triple Time]

She shouldn't have to count her blessings that her husband isn't acting on his fetish with other people! Good lord.

 

[beachgirl01]

Yes for hours and masturbates. One day it was for one hour and I know he was interrupted then tree more hours then 30 min later in the day. Yes our sex life is good. It has gotten even better since I have found this out because I have lost alot of weight and he loves it and I have become more aggressive. Like jump on him the minute I walk in the door because I know he has been on the computer all day and I just it will make me feel better about myself. I know with a good sex life I should not be complaining but I still hurt and get sick to my stomach.

 

[beachgirl01]

Thats what he says

 

[beachgirl01]

Is that all it is : If you have a great sex life everything else doesn't matter how it makes you feel. Just let it go?

 

[LonelyinLove]

Get a couples pedi together...he'll love it (and so will you!)

 

[beachgirl01]

I wish it was that simple.

 

[Tango in Triple Time]

Is that all it is : If you have a great sex life everything else doesn't matter how it makes you feel. Just let it go?

I don't agree with that at all. I hope that wasn't what I implied.