Talk About Marriage banner
Status
Not open for further replies.
1 - 20 of 118 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
24 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I taken a new job out of state and my wife won't be able to join me until the spring due to job and other reasons. I have been away for 2 months now and am visiting for the holidays. 5 days ago while having some cuddle time I asked her out of the blue had she ever cheated on , me. She paused briefley and said she had something to tell me. She confessed to an affair that happened about 20 years ago. This was while I was deployed to Korea. She went on th say she couldn't remember who he was but recalled vague details about him as time went on. She said it was horrible, she didn't enjoy it. Never saw him again, said he was stupid and on and on. I am still in a state of shock with all kinds of questions. She has excellent recall about things but says she is not going to talk about it because she has carried it for 20 years and won't carry it any longer. I don't feel she has any regards to what I am feeling. Like I said, right now I am numb and don't know how to proceed. Anyone else been where I am now?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
155 Posts
She has excellent recall about things but says she is not going to talk about it because she has carried it for 20 years and won't carry it any longer.
But isn't telling you talking about it? That seems pretty mean to just give you the quick and dirty version but deny a chance a true disclosure.

I guess it just goes to show that no matter how much time goes by, Dday is always Dday.

I wish you luck. Try to focus on how the marriage has been for the last 20 years. It is unlikely worth throwing that away, but try to explain to her that a bomb like this can't be left on your porch unexploded.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,003 Posts
I taken a new job out of state and my wife won't be able to join me until the spring due to job and other reasons. I have been away for 2 months now and am visiting for the holidays. 5 days ago while having some cuddle time I asked her out of the blue had she ever cheated on , me. She paused briefley and said she had something to tell me. She confessed to an affair that happened about 20 years ago. This was while I was deployed to Korea. She went on th say she couldn't remember who he was but recalled vague details about him as time went on. She said it was horrible, she didn't enjoy it. Never saw him again, said he was stupid and on and on. I am still in a state of shock with all kinds of questions. She has excellent recall about things but says she is not going to talk about it because she has carried it for 20 years and won't carry it any longer. I don't feel she has any regards to what I am feeling. Like I said, right now I am numb and don't know how to proceed. Anyone else been where I am now?
What a terrible thing to have to find out 20 years later. For her its history but its new to you. She needs to be compassionate of how it has made you feel.

I dont think that if I held something for 20 years like that that it would ever slip out of my mouth. I can imagine the shock you felt hearing it come out of her mouth after all this time.

Im sure its going to be hard to go back to work with this in your lap.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
24 Posts
Discussion Starter · #4 ·
We have 5 days to talk about and work something out. I want to talk about it and find out why, how etc. but she keeps insisting she doesn't remember. I am hurt more than angry and just want to know why and how. Our marraige will make it but I want to talk about it and try to understand the emotions I am likely to experience.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
1,546 Posts
If she won't talk about it and takes that kind of attitude. You have a big problem. She should be contrite and tell you anything and everything about it to begin the healing. If not she is not remorseful.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
10,655 Posts
I would suggest she go to get a polygraph test then. She doesn't want to talk about it? She does not sound remorseful whatsoever.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
10,655 Posts
It's as if she is saying "that was 20 years now deal with it"!
Posted via Mobile Device
Yea she's basically saying ef you! See if she passes the polygraph if asked if this was her only affair because I'm sure you feel right now you can't believe a thing she says.:(
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
5,781 Posts
I would be firm and say that she has no choice. She did your marriage no honor when she slept with another man. Now it's time to honor it by telling you everything you want to know.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
2,715 Posts
She got the monkey off her back. And put it on yours to deal with - and just wants you to forget about it now that her conscience is clear.

Tell her to get some paper and write out all the details. She remembers a whole lot more than she's saying. Tell her you've been happy with her for the last twenty years ( if you have). And you look forward to the next twenty, but it can't be with secrets.

Give her a few days to do this. See what she comes up with.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
168 Posts
It's new news to you. She owes you time to process it. It's a massive bomb drop like no other.

It could be very true that she doesn't remember much, especially if she's telling the truth about it being a bad experience. I had smoking hot sex with a former GF seventeen years ago... I knew it was hot then, and now, but I recall very little. I don't think about it.

I think it is good she told you.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
102 Posts
She has excellent recall about things but says she is not going to talk about it because she has carried it for 20 years and won't carry it any longer.
This sort of s h i t makes my blood boil and it occurs far too often with cheating spouses. Equating the 'pain' they've went through carrying their affair to the actual pain they caused the betrayed spouse is contemptible and shows a fundamental lack of remorse.

You should tell her straight that she doesn't get a choice in whether she talks about it or not; she will tell you everything—and as many time as you want to hear it.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
99 Posts
This is replaying my last few months. My stbxw probably told me of an incident 20 years ago (letting a co-worker seduce her and admitted to kissing ) because she didn't care anymore what I thought of her anymore because she was planning to leave soon anyway. All her other actions were not demonstrating any contrition but she was establishing new boundaries (stopping visibility on her e-mail and bank account etc which simply made me more suspicious) and eventually used a pretext to justify her final walking out.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,869 Posts
I'd take a WHOLE different stance.

I'd focus on the lie, and how she's lied to you up until the moment of confessing and start threatening kicking her out etc.

She's playing a power trip over this. YOU need control over this. You have to deal with it. Start talking divorce and how you're going to keep your options open when you go away etc. Put the fear of "g0d" in her. Tell her STEP 1 (make sure you allow yourself the ability to go further) you need full disclosure for you to even CONSIDER staying with a liar of a wife.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
645 Posts
I'd take a WHOLE different stance.

I'd focus on the lie, and how she's lied to you up until the moment of confessing and start threatening kicking her out etc.

She's playing a power trip over this. YOU need control over this. You have to deal with it. Start talking divorce and how you're going to keep your options open when you go away etc. Put the fear of "g0d" in her. Tell her STEP 1 (make sure you allow yourself the ability to go further) you need full disclosure for you to even CONSIDER staying with a liar of a wife.
I'm sorry you find yourself here on TAM. You have joined an elite group of folks whose great burden in life is that they were disrespected in the worst possible way...by the one who promised to honer, love and respect them.

I agree. The good thing is she told you. The bad thing is, well....everything else. It took her 20 years to tell you the truth but she doesn't seem to have any remorse or empathy. I would take a hard line with her. It doesn't matter how long ago she did this...it is all new to you. A while back there was a 90 year old guy in Europe that divorced his wife for cheating back in the 1940's. Cheating is cheating! There is no statute of limitations on infidelity. You need to find out if this was an isolated incident or just the tip of the iceberg.
 
1 - 20 of 118 Posts
Status
Not open for further replies.
Top