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That is very valid to a point. I can't say there has been no progress. But I am more motivated to have a blunt conversation with my DW. The current theme of the threads and their respective responses has motivated me.
Good, motivation is good.

What is plan B? Plan C?..............
 

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Like I predicted....you are back. How did I know you would be? Because you talk ALOT about how this is unacceptable, (I totally agree that your complaints are valid) whine to others, and then do nothing to change the situation. I feel for you dude! Completely! I got on here originally for just the same kind of problem, ended up spending he majority of my time in the Infidelity section (not saying that is your problem) but I was willing to DO something.
BottomLine: You have what you have. What you have is what you are going to have (with minor variances for short period of times) the rest of your married life. If that is acceptable to you. Great! You are going to have lots of time to do the stuff you like to do, except sex of course, be me time should be abundant so take the time and run with it!
If your current level is not acceptable, then you and only YOU, can do something about it. But please, either choice you make, you and you alone make, live with it and quit complaining. There is nothing anyone here can do for you if you are not willing to .....do.
Good luck dude. Sucks that you are in this situation, even worse is you can remove yourself if you want to, but you dont. No dishoner in staying married, if that is what you want, but it comes with a price. Either its worth it or it isnt
 

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What?
This is 4 years old.
This has been going on for four years?
Obviously this woman is NOT sexually attracted to and appears fine with NEVER having intimacy with the person she married....ever again.
I can't imagine not being with someone who wanted me physically, who would crave me and be upset if we stopped having sex.

Posts like this get on my nerves. 4 years should have had a resolution. Divorce, you open up the marriage and sleep with others, you flat out getting to the bottom of this, getting her to a doctor, therapists, finally finding out about her past. I thought a read a post from OP ONE YEAR later saying he needs to find out about her past....when he said the same thing a year prior.
WHAT? You still having talked her about that?

Ok, I am sorry I read this thread.
 

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Discussion Starter #405
What?
This is 4 years old.
This has been going on for four years?
Obviously this woman is NOT sexually attracted to and appears fine with NEVER having intimacy with the person she married....ever again.
I can't imagine not being with someone who wanted me physically, who would crave me and be upset if we stopped having sex.

Posts like this get on my nerves. 4 years should have had a resolution. Divorce, you open up the marriage and sleep with others, you flat out getting to the bottom of this, getting her to a doctor, therapists, finally finding out about her past. I thought a read a post from OP ONE YEAR later saying he needs to find out about her past....when he said the same thing a year prior.
WHAT? You still having talked her about that?

Ok, I am sorry I read this thread.
Life is busy complicated etc...and progress was being made just reaching another point of it stalling out....so I come back for more input and motivation. Being candid.
 

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Life is busy complicated etc...and progress was being made just reaching another point of it stalling out....so I come back for more input and motivation. Being candid.
I get the progress being made then stalling out again from your perspective, but it's way too broken record to be workable at a certain point to the majority of us looking from the outside in. 4 years man. That's a long long time in the scope of life.

You've received tons and tons of workable "input" as you've called it, and most of us have seen you stand still, even if it looks like progress to you.

We're all busy, man. Life is busy for all of us. Remove that from the excuse list post-haste. That cannot be a reason things are not changing. It just can't.
 

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Discussion Starter #407
4 years with incremental progress is enough for me to stay in the marriage vs starting over IMO. Just going through a rough spot and I know I need to accelerate things in the bedroom.
 

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Discussion Starter #408
Like I predicted....you are back. How did I know you would be? Because you talk ALOT about how this is unacceptable, (I totally agree that your complaints are valid) whine to others, and then do nothing to change the situation. I feel for you dude! Completely! I got on here originally for just the same kind of problem, ended up spending he majority of my time in the Infidelity section (not saying that is your problem) but I was willing to DO something.
BottomLine: You have what you have. What you have is what you are going to have (with minor variances for short period of times) the rest of your married life. If that is acceptable to you. Great! You are going to have lots of time to do the stuff you like to do, except sex of course, be me time should be abundant so take the time and run with it!
If your current level is not acceptable, then you and only YOU, can do something about it. But please, either choice you make, you and you alone make, live with it and quit complaining. There is nothing anyone here can do for you if you are not willing to .....do.
Good luck dude. Sucks that you are in this situation, even worse is you can remove yourself if you want to, but you dont. No dishoner in staying married, if that is what you want, but it comes with a price. Either its worth it or it isnt
And this is why TAM is useful. It inspires those that have LD spouses or just need the motivation to take things the next level. I know what I need to do and I am committed to doing it (even during this crazy lockdown).
 

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4 years with incremental progress is enough for me to stay in the marriage vs starting over IMO. Just going through a rough spot and I know I need to accelerate things in the bedroom.
Listen, lots of folks have kind of jumped on you and rightly so. Unless you are pulling our chains with your two sentence replies, and flippant attitude, why come here.

If you really want a normal and fulfilling sex life it will not be with your wife, it just won't. That has been explained to you many times.

So either man up, divorce your wife, or live a celibate life...
 

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I guess where you have me is the "four years with incremental progress" line. I guess there is some progress if you measure in millimeters. Hey, just say, "I have decided I love my wife and my life, just the way it is. I know I could have more, but this is good enough for me." We will all respect that, your life your choice. Heck I know a couple where they havent had sex in decades, both are happy enough, works for them, I respect that. But you come on here and say "I WANT CHANGE!" Then do nothing to change, then try blowing smoke up our butt that things "have improved over the last four years" They havent and you havent.

My counselor after working with me for three years following my divorce that left me bleeding on the deck, told me "Hoosier, you do realize that you are a very strong person." I could of fell over. This woman had watched me cry like a baby many many times. I sure didnt feel strong. But what I think she meant was that I had listened to her and others, and had ACTED. I didnt sit around and wring my hands wishing for a change, I did stuff. Man I am so glad I am strong because Limbo sucks the soul dry.
 

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marriednatlanta, what you describe is consistent with Child Sex Abuse or possibly other traumas (rape during teen years, abusive parents, etc).

Regardless, she is who she is, and either your marriage is acceptable or it is not. If it is not acceptable, it is not acceptable. In which case don't put up with it! Small, minor, temporary changes are not real. They are not lasting, and they don't indicate any change to who she is.

My sense is she is a trauma victim, probably CSA, and you are a Nice Guy. This is the perfect storm of a marriage.
 

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Got some questions.

How old are your kids, and how old are you and your wife?
What activities do you have going on in your lives that are so time consuming? STRONGLY consider simplifying your life. Tip if you have kids in traveling sports teams - walk away from that crap. Chances are you kids aren't THAT good at sports to justify the huge time commitment to travel teams.
Are you the type of guy that initiates by asking? Or do you just "go for it"? Is it possible that your seduction skills suck? Since there's no way to put this delicately, is it possible that you aren't good at sex? No disrespect intended - but you should assess yourself honestly about this IMHO.
 

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If it hasn’t vastly improved and you haven’t made solid changes to improve this situation - it’s probably not going to get better.

if you want it to improve then divorce her. She has no intention of considering your feelings. You’ve waited way too long to stand up to her and say “I don’t like the way you’re treating me! You aren’t participating like a wife!”

get stronger! You’re way too weak in the relationship.
 

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Discussion Starter #414
marriednatlanta, what you describe is consistent with Child Sex Abuse or possibly other traumas (rape during teen years, abusive parents, etc).

Regardless, she is who she is, and either your marriage is acceptable or it is not. If it is not acceptable, it is not acceptable. In which case don't put up with it! Small, minor, temporary changes are not real. They are not lasting, and they don't indicate any change to who she is.

My sense is she is a trauma victim, probably CSA, and you are a Nice Guy. This is the perfect storm of a marriage.
I think there is some trauma in her past....I was def. a prototype for NICE GUY. I have worked at it and I think I have made some changes. More work to do obviously.
 

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Discussion Starter #415
If it hasn’t vastly improved and you haven’t made solid changes to improve this situation - it’s probably not going to get better.

if you want it to improve then divorce her. She has no intention of considering your feelings. You’ve waited way too long to stand up to her and say “I don’t like the way you’re treating me! You aren’t participating like a wife!”

get stronger! You’re way too weak in the relationship.
I would agree with there needing to be a shift in the balance of whose needs are being met during sex. I plan to explain that to her shortly. Our routine (whatever its called) is 100% built around what she will do and while I do get to climax...I am only getting to climax. That is not a enough.
 

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Discussion Starter #416
Got some questions.

How old are your kids, and how old are you and your wife?
What activities do you have going on in your lives that are so time consuming? STRONGLY consider simplifying your life. Tip if you have kids in traveling sports teams - walk away from that crap. Chances are you kids aren't THAT good at sports to justify the huge time commitment to travel teams.
Are you the type of guy that initiates by asking? Or do you just "go for it"? Is it possible that your seduction skills suck? Since there's no way to put this delicately, is it possible that you aren't good at sex? No disrespect intended - but you should assess yourself honestly about this IMHO.
We are in our early 50s with kids in the house. No travel sports teams. Sometimes I ask, sometimes she invites me into the shower (an example) sometimes it just happens naturally. My skills are average. With a willing partner they would be improve because we would be trying new things....
 

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We are in our early 50s with kids in the house. No travel sports teams. Sometimes I ask, sometimes she invites me into the shower (an example) sometimes it just happens naturally. My skills are average. With a willing partner they would be improve because we would be trying new things....
Yeah, my x use to do the same thing. Heck she would jump into the shower in the mornings with me. Then I figured out that she jumped in because she could give me a hand job then use it is an excuse in the evening. "I just took care of you this morning!" Simpler for her, leave me crying for intimacy, she didnt care.
 

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4 years with incremental progress is enough for me to stay in the marriage vs starting over IMO. Just going through a rough spot and I know I need to accelerate things in the bedroom.
I am all for trying, but this is really snail pace. I think you are in denial about the state of your marriage. Maybe there is small incremental progress, or maybe she is just doing it to keep you from making any drastic moves.
If you are in 50s, then this also might be a matter of menopause and decreased libido.
 

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Discussion Starter #419
I am all for trying, but this is really snail pace. I think you are in denial about the state of your marriage. Maybe there is small incremental progress, or maybe she is just doing it to keep you from making any drastic moves.
If you are in 50s, then this also might be a matter of menopause and decreased libido.

Pre Meno is a factor. And she has admitted that she has a low libido and went to her MD for an RX. She did not like the RX so she is going back once the COVID19 is over. And...I am not going back to what we had (in terms of routine).
 

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Discussion Starter #420
Yeah, my x use to do the same thing. Heck she would jump into the shower in the mornings with me. Then I figured out that she jumped in because she could give me a hand job then use it is an excuse in the evening. "I just took care of you this morning!" Simpler for her, leave me crying for intimacy, she didnt care.
Ok. Our situation is not as dire. And it’s not just an HJ. Thanks @Hoosier.
 
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