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Discussion Starter #1
Hello. New here (first post actually). I have been married for over 19 years (20 in a few months). We are planning a weeklong getaway to Costa Rica in early December.

We, like a lot of married couples I assume, have experienced a decline in our sex life over the years. In all honesty, it has always been a struggle. I like sex. A lot. I actually waited till I was married (to much to explain now) and now, well, I wonder if I made a mistake? Waiting that is.

I co-worker once described my marriage like I was married to a business partner (running kids around, coordinating schedules, etc..)

The core of my struggle is that my wife does not seem to like sex. We go a week, then two, then a month, then two months, no sex. Then, it's 1x a week for a month. Then its back to 2-3xs in a 3 month period. No rhyme or reason. Life is complicated. We both work, have active kids, etc....I get all of that.

Having accepted the frequency will be random...I am at a point where I can't accept the quality.

In short, I need an active willing partner. Not one that lays there motionless, soundless, does NOTHING. And I mean NOTHING. Then it is over.

I'm here really because I have tried all the stuff you can imagine. I am looking for someone with any real world experiences that may not be orthodox but worked.

Help?

MarriednAtlanta
 

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Said what?
That you need better quality in the bedroom.

It doesn't sound like she particularly enjoys the experience based on your description.

Have you asked her why?

Notice all of my questions are geared not towards your displeasure, but how you have communicated such.
 

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Discussion Starter #6
Nothing really. A few comments that it will get better once the kids get older (that is at least 13 years away), that is normal for couples with kids to experience this, etc....and a just a general unwillingness to do or try anything other than what we are doing. At this point, even a with a trip to Costa Rica coming up, I am so fed up with her level of participation in this process.

I stopped asking for sex, expecting sex, even hinting around sex with her about a month a go. We had a shower quickie a week or two ago. I am at a point where I would rather go without then have the same thing over and over and over again.

I will not participate unless it changes (the routine) that is. Am I being too harsh? I'm here because I am really open to almost anything.
 

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So basically you are going to stop initiating, in hopes that she will "get it", without actually telling her you will stop initiating? Does that make sense to you? Or do you just want to nurture your resentment?

Passive-aggressive.

Have you ever just tried something adventurous in the bedroom, without asking for permission before hand?

Nothing really. A few comments that it will get better once the kids get older (that is at least 13 years away), that is normal for couples with kids to experience this, etc....and a just a general unwillingness to do or try anything other than what we are doing. At this point, even a with a trip to Costa Rica coming up, I am so fed up with her level of participation in this process.

I stopped asking for sex, expecting sex, even hinting around sex with her about a month a go. We had a shower quickie a week or two ago. I am at a point where I would rather go without then have the same thing over and over and over again.

I will not participate unless it changes (the routine) that is. Am I being too harsh? I'm here because I am really open to almost anything.
 

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Nothing really. A few comments that it will get better once the kids get older (that is at least 13 years away), that is normal for couples with kids to experience this, etc....and a just a general unwillingness to do or try anything other than what we are doing. At this point, even a with a trip to Costa Rica coming up, I am so fed up with her level of participation in this process.

I stopped asking for sex, expecting sex, even hinting around sex with her about a month a go. We had a shower quickie a week or two ago. I am at a point where I would rather go without then have the same thing over and over and over again.

I will not participate unless it changes (the routine) that is. Am I being too harsh? I'm here because I am really open to almost anything.
You're not being too harsh. I would go so far as to recommend that the moment you realize you're getting starfish sex you should simply get up and say 'this isn't working for me' and walk out of the bedroom. You need to disrupt and talking will never be sufficient to accomplish that. Stay out late after work a few times. Cancel the Costa Rica trip (or at least did-invite her).

Edited to add, the point of disrupting is to make sure she knows it's happening and why. If you keep it a secret and expect some kind of magical result then you're being passive aggressive as Farside said above.
 

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Do not wait for the 13 years.

The kids come back and bring others with them.

Good luck to you.

I tried talking to my wife to get her to be more than just pity sex. sometimes it is better, but not always.

also tried to get her to allow oral and she threw a fit. that is not happening.

So do not have many answers, but do not wait for the kids to be gone. had several come back over the years.

maybe try seeing a sex counselor?
 

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I wonder whether you should cancel the trip until which time, if ever, you figure this out with her. I have the same type of unfulfilling business partner type marriage you have and I thought that a nice trip to Europe for our 25th would at least go toward solving the problem. Nope. In fact we had less sex than we usually have (none the whole trip). I came back home so pissed I can't even tell you.
 

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Discussion Starter #12
So basically you are going to stop initiating, in hopes that she will "get it", without actually telling her you will stop initiating? Does that make sense to you? Or do you just want to nurture your resentment?

Passive-aggressive.

Have you ever just tried something adventurous in the bedroom, without asking for permission before hand?
Good points. I don't know what I'm doing. Which I is why I am here. Ugh. The shower was a result of not asking for it the previous night. So that kinda worked. I guess. By nature I am not passive aggressive but I am definitely resentful. She knows this is important to me (having some good sex) and still she can bring herself to try or do anything. EVER.
 

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I'll save you the $200/hour therapist fee. Schedule times for sex. That works for busy people. During that time go vanilla or as wild as you want but make sure you have it scheduled on your busy calendars. That's what MC's and sex therapists tell busy married couples. Now, if she doesn't actually want sex then read the Married Man's Sex Life Primer. It's a really good book and you'll probably spot the reason why she doesn't want it as you're reading.
 

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Good points. I don't know what I'm doing. Which I is why I am here. Ugh. The shower was a result of not asking for it the previous night. So that kinda worked. I guess. By nature I am not passive aggressive but I am definitely resentful. She knows this is important to me (having some good sex) and still she can bring herself to try or do anything. EVER.
Have you actually asked your wife if she enjoys sex?

Have you asked her what she fantasizes about?

Have you had any frank communication at all regarding sex?

What was her response when you indicated disappointment in your sex life?
@MEM2020
 

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Discussion Starter #15
Not cancelling the Costa trip. Oddly enough, even the sex does not resolve itself...the trip will be great. Activities, food, drinking, etc...hard to really explain but it is not being cancelled.
 

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Discussion Starter #16
Have you actually asked your wife if she enjoys sex?

Have you asked her what she fantasizes about?

Have you had any frank communication at all regarding sex?

What was her response when you indicated disappointment in your sex life?

@MEM2020
I have tried all of those things over the years and it never ends well. Just a look of incredible disappointment (she knows this is an issue) than I feel bad for even asking and resolve (I'll just accept this as normal).
 

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Read this: It will be the best $1.99 you ever spent and will explain why your wife is not attracted to you anymore. Your marriage and sex life is totally within rescue. It worked for me and thousands of other men. llhttps://www.amazon.com/Married-Man-Life-Primer-2011-ebook/dp/B004W0IRQ8/ref=sr_1_1_twi_kin_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1474485979&sr=8-1&keywords=married+man+sex+life+primer, This is not an ad for the book, I don't have any connection to it. I just wish it was standard reading for every man who decides to marry. Why not download and read it on your vacation?
 

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Discussion Starter #18
I'll save you the $200/hour therapist fee. Schedule times for sex. That works for busy people. During that time go vanilla or as wild as you want but make sure you have it scheduled on your busy calendars. That's what MC's and sex therapists tell busy married couples. Now, if she doesn't actually want sex then read the Married Man's Sex Life Primer. It's a really good book and you'll probably spot the reason why she doesn't want it as you're reading.
Well....in fact, our ideal time is around lunch. She is lucky enough to work from home, I work close by. PMs are off the table always, AMs same, so that leaves Lunch. And there is always a miriad of excuses why it is not a "good time" etc. but occasionally she relents and we have the same thing we have every time with a few minor complaints along the way. It is not pretty but it happens.

Have not read that book - read Red Hot Monogamy. I have suggested a regular date nite it was rejected as to rigid. 1000 reasons why it won't work for us etc...that is why the ball is in her court. So to speak.
 

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I have tried all of those things over the years and it never ends well. Just a look of incredible disappointment (she knows this is an issue) than I feel bad for even asking and resolve (I'll just accept this as normal).
It would be interesting for you to share details of why you waited until after marriage? Could she have religious hangups? Putting you off until the "kids are older" because she is stressed or embarrassed about the topic? If you are religious, would your priest/minister or whatever help her see that sex is a normal part of marriage? Just some thoughts.
 

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It would be interesting for you to share details of why you waited until after marriage? Could she have religious hangups? Putting you off until the "kids are older" because she is stressed or embarrassed about the topic? If you are religious, would your priest/minister or whatever help her see that sex is a normal part of marriage? Just some thoughts.
I grew up in a ultra conservative environment, then religion kicked in, then my friend(s) got their GFs pregnant, then I dated around but it never got serious enough to get that point then...we well it just happened (me waiting). I waited, she did not. And I don't resent that about her all.
 
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