Tomorrow will be 2 years since the initial D-Day. I've been having a really hard time this month and last because I've been thinking a lot about stupid things. For instance at work this evening (I work graveyards now), I noticed that it was 12:30AM and noticed the date and I started wondering about what my xW and OM were talking or texting about at the exact time 2 years ago while I was sleeping in our room.
I still just have a hard time, I still feel so betrayed and hurt. I feel like I am never going to be able to trust anyone ever again, especially after me finding out about 10 months later that she had taken it underground for at least 3 months as far as I know by using the land line at her moms house or the land line at work to call the OM. Only god and them know how or where else they communicated.
I guess all in all I'm still upset because of all the lies and deceit. All I've ever asked for was the truth. I know I will never get it and it's still hard to cope with the fact that after everything I did for her and everyone else, she was still able to do this to me. It's like everything I did was all in vain because no one really cared about my sacrifices, if they did then why did this happen?
I'm out of the military now. Well kind of, still kinda stuck due to the fact that they won't fully release me because I have a medical hold since I went to ICs and MCs. Essentially they can't release me because they think I'm crazy, I guess that's another thing I can thank the x and OM for.
I don't know how most people are 2 years out, I'm having a hard time. I don't like being all alone, yet I can't trust anyone and won't let people in. It's one of those can't live with can't live without situations.
Don't get me wrong, I've made some improvement. I'm definitely better than I was 6 months ago. It still is just hard on me. My marriage and relationship with my W really meant a lot to me. I still love her to this day.
I suppose things wouldn't have been so bad if the majority of people in my life hadn't turned their backs on me during my time of need, it would've been nice if at least 1 person had defended me. My xW telling me the truth probably would've helped to, because I know that her hiding everything from me has only made me worse off.
My brother is getting married in a week, we're having a bachelor party for him this weekend and I also have to go and try my suit on tomorrow. D-Day on top of all of this is going to be even harder on me. I'm one of his groomsmen and I have this feeling that I'm more than likely going to break down out of sheer and utter sadness. I'm so happy for my brother and his fiance. It's just a difficult time for me.
My situation is different from yours in that my WH is at home now and we are trying to R. I can imagine your pain. Im 3 years after the affair and everyday is still a struggle and I have the little triggers you speak of.
I hope that your week gets easier. I can only encourage you to
do more for yourself....surround yourself with friends and family and take one day at a time til you get where you need to be. There is nothing wrong with still having love for your wife. I told my WH that I didnt see a way around loving him, we have kids together and he's always going to be around, and Im always going to have to hear about him through the kids.
Im sorry you are having a hard time right now!