2 things troubling me

1826 Views 5 Replies 5 Participants Last post by costa200, Nov 25, 2012

headinsand

Discussion Starter · Nov 25, 2012

currently I have 2 things I am struggling with:
1. Hiding or withholding full truth (mostly about things he feels I will get mad about). I feel this is his way of doing and enjoying whatever he pleases without a negative cloud over his activities. We have had many discussions about how it makes me more angry to find things out after the fact but it continues to happen.
2. Opposite sex friendship. He blindsided me by bringing an out of state "friend" home to meet me. I didn't know he was so close with this woman that he felt the need to go out of his way to entertain her while she was in town. I was excluded from the very appropriate group party hosted by other friends and their wives. He tried to make me believe that he just found out days before that she was coming to town. However his phone records show that he called her 1 month before and talked for 25 min. In the heated arguement that followed, he said "The only thing I have done wrong is not hiding this from you" and "I will not give up this friendship for you." Later, when things cooled down, he said "it will never happen again". My gut tells me that he will just be more careful to hide it.
I used to think we had a strong marriage. Now I have many doubts.
How do others feel about this? Am I being irrational? Is it worth giving up 35 years of marriage?

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KathyBatesel

· #4 · Nov 25, 2012

headinsand said:
currently I have 2 things I am struggling with:
1. Hiding or withholding full truth (mostly about things he feels I will get mad about). I feel this is his way of doing and enjoying whatever he pleases without a negative cloud over his activities. We have had many discussions about how it makes me more angry to find things out after the fact but it continues to happen.

Do you make it safe for him to tell you these things or is his perception that it will turn into an argument accurate?

2. Opposite sex friendship. He blindsided me by bringing an out of state "friend" home to meet me. I didn't know he was so close with this woman that he felt the need to go out of his way to entertain her while she was in town. I was excluded from the very appropriate group party hosted by other friends and their wives. He tried to make me believe that he just found out days before that she was coming to town. However his phone records show that he called her 1 month before and talked for 25 min. In the heated arguement that followed, he said "The only thing I have done wrong is not hiding this from you" and "I will not give up this friendship for you." Later, when things cooled down, he said "it will never happen again". My gut tells me that he will just be more careful to hide it.

He's going to be more careful about hiding it.

I used to think we had a strong marriage. Now I have many doubts.
How do others feel about this? Am I being irrational? Is it worth giving up 35 years of marriage?

Only you can answer if it's worth giving up 35 years of marriage, but it sounds as if you've been judgmental and critical of his behavior, and he knows when to expect it so he hides info from you. The only way to change that is to be accepting of the things you would prefer not to accept. That doesn't mean you have to tolerate bad behavior, but it does mean that you have to own the problem when you're unhappy instead of expecting HIM to make changes.

If you believe that he would betray you if you were more accepting, then maybe it is worth leaving. If you believe that he would value you more, then it may be worth staying.

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