[headinsand]

currently I have 2 things I am struggling with:
1. Hiding or withholding full truth (mostly about things he feels I will get mad about). I feel this is his way of doing and enjoying whatever he pleases without a negative cloud over his activities. We have had many discussions about how it makes me more angry to find things out after the fact but it continues to happen.
2. Opposite sex friendship. He blindsided me by bringing an out of state "friend" home to meet me. I didn't know he was so close with this woman that he felt the need to go out of his way to entertain her while she was in town. I was excluded from the very appropriate group party hosted by other friends and their wives. He tried to make me believe that he just found out days before that she was coming to town. However his phone records show that he called her 1 month before and talked for 25 min. In the heated arguement that followed, he said "The only thing I have done wrong is not hiding this from you" and "I will not give up this friendship for you." Later, when things cooled down, he said "it will never happen again". My gut tells me that he will just be more careful to hide it.
I used to think we had a strong marriage. Now I have many doubts.
How do others feel about this? Am I being irrational? Is it worth giving up 35 years of marriage?

 

[SlowlyGettingWiser]

You ALREADY KNOW that hiding his relationship with this woman is not the ONLY thing he's hiding from you.

Are there OTHER WOMEN? He does not have to be having sexual relations with them to be having an affair. He is, most probably, having an emotional affair with this woman.

He does NOT respect you. He hides his activities from you so that he can
continue to do whatever he pleases
continue to do things he KNOWS you disapprove of
continue to cultivate this inappropriate emotional relationship that he has FLATLY refused to quit

Is this a DEAL-BREAKER for you? How do YOU feel about being married to a man who lies to you, deceives you, has no respect for your feelings, is carrying on with another woman, etc. He is getting SOME EMOTIONAL NEED(s) MET from this woman that he is NOT getting from you. That being said, WHAT (if anything) have you two done about improving your marriage and getting both of your needs met? Anything?

Only you can decide if this is worth giving up 35 years of marriage.

What if you found out he was having sex with her? What if you found out he was telling her your personal business? What if you found out he was telling her what a bad wife you are? What if you found out he was telling her 'I love you', 'I miss you', etc.

I think you need to DEMAND marital counseling with your husband. If he refuses, then you need to get individual counseling to help you come to terms with where you stand in your life and what is the best future for you. A professional can help you get there.

Good luck and keep coming to TAM, we'll be here for you!

 

[The Middleman]

This is just toxic in every way, shape and form. There is no way I can think of to put a positive spin on what he is doing.

Here are some thoughts:

• Sit him down and go over boundaries in your marriage. Clearly he has none.
• He is a lier. You can't trust anything he says. Understand that when you speak with him.
• The opposite sex friend has to go. There is no good that can come from having close opposite sex friends in a marriage. He already said that he is not going to give up the friendship for you so clearly he made his choice (don't believe the stuff he said the next day, it's bull$hit. He meant what he said the first time). Sit him down one more time and tel him, her or me. Just be prepared to leave if he says her.
• Your posting didn't mention if you had kids. If you don't, DO NOT HAVE CHILDREN WITH THIS MAN! You are going to need the flexibility to leave this marriage if your husband doesn't grow up. And quickly

 

[KathyBatesel]

currently I have 2 things I am struggling with:
1. Hiding or withholding full truth (mostly about things he feels I will get mad about). I feel this is his way of doing and enjoying whatever he pleases without a negative cloud over his activities. We have had many discussions about how it makes me more angry to find things out after the fact but it continues to happen.

Do you make it safe for him to tell you these things or is his perception that it will turn into an argument accurate?

2. Opposite sex friendship. He blindsided me by bringing an out of state "friend" home to meet me. I didn't know he was so close with this woman that he felt the need to go out of his way to entertain her while she was in town. I was excluded from the very appropriate group party hosted by other friends and their wives. He tried to make me believe that he just found out days before that she was coming to town. However his phone records show that he called her 1 month before and talked for 25 min. In the heated arguement that followed, he said "The only thing I have done wrong is not hiding this from you" and "I will not give up this friendship for you." Later, when things cooled down, he said "it will never happen again". My gut tells me that he will just be more careful to hide it.

He's going to be more careful about hiding it.

I used to think we had a strong marriage. Now I have many doubts.
How do others feel about this? Am I being irrational? Is it worth giving up 35 years of marriage?

Only you can answer if it's worth giving up 35 years of marriage, but it sounds as if you've been judgmental and critical of his behavior, and he knows when to expect it so he hides info from you. The only way to change that is to be accepting of the things you would prefer not to accept. That doesn't mean you have to tolerate bad behavior, but it does mean that you have to own the problem when you're unhappy instead of expecting HIM to make changes.

If you believe that he would betray you if you were more accepting, then maybe it is worth leaving. If you believe that he would value you more, then it may be worth staying.

 

[headinsand]

Appreciate everyones input. Still trying to put things in perspective.
Yes Kathy, you may be somewhat correct in saying I may critical. I recognize that. However, I must add, we married young. I worked the steady job, providing the family with a steady income and insurance while he pursued his dream of self employment. Because of this, he now has much freedom to do as he pleases. Most of the hiding details comes from his guilt that he is golfing, gaming etc, etc, while I am working or he should be working. I usually find out from a third party. Rarely is there an arguement on these matters. AND, after 35 yrs, he should know that my reaction is much better if I know things up front.
My issue is his hunting trips. Years ago he got carried away with a ***** in a bar while on his "male bonding" trip and brought pictures home as his badge of honor. I found these pictures by accident.
As a result, he has become very elusive regarding these trips, rarely do I get included in any details of these trips. Usually I find out details by accident.
Now, I find that he has developed a relationship with a single woman (friend of a friend) who takes him out hunting and their friendship seems to be more important than our 35 year marriage. He went overboard to entertain her while she was visiting our state. I have voiced that I am uncomfortable with this but it really doesn't seem to matter.
If the situation were reversed, I would not hesitate to end the relationship. I have never had any momentary laspse in judgement where our marriage is concerned. In fact, I have built my life around him, 3 kids(now adult) and 2 grandchildren.
I don't want to paint a bad picture of him. Overall, he is a great person. the kind of guy everyone wants to be around.
I truly feel like I'm of low priorty, taken for granted and expected to just accept anything. I don't know if I want to sit back and find out what the next hunting trip will bring home.

 

[costa200]

"I will not give up this friendship for you."

You are married to this dude for 35 years and you didn't know this "friend" he won't give up for you? This sounds fishy as hell.

My first thread in these boards was directed at women who are where you are.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/49802-pointers-ladies.html

There no such thing as lady friends for a man. Unless this other woman is fugly.