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Marriage is hard. It's even harder when your husband doesn't act like he cares or participates.

About a year ago I found out I was pregnant. It was very unexpected since I had been told I wouldn't be able to have kids of my own. I was very excited when I found out but, that happiness quickly faded once I had learned that it was a tubal (ectopic) pregnancy and would need to have surgery very quickly to avoid further complications to my health.

I told my husband what I had learned. He was excited but sad, too. I had scheduled my surgery the following Tuesday since that was the soonest available and I really couldn't afford to wait. He told me that he had a face-to-face with his boss the following week and that he would have to travel to Mesa, AZ for the meeting. I asked him to stay. I begged him to stay. I was sad to even be in this position and even more scared to be doing this alone. Then came the matter of logistics. Who was going to drive me to and from my appointment that was 30 minutes away? We had recently moved to the Salt Lake area and I didn't really know anyone that I trusted enough to even ask for a ride for this. I was going to be sedated so, I wasn't going to be able to drive.

What does my husband do in a situation like this? GO ON HIS TRIP!!! Yes, you read that right. He left me in Salt Lake to handle this on my own. Did he call to even see how things went or to see if I was ok? NOPE! I got a text before he went to bed hoping I got home ok. Who does this?

I've been with him for 19 years. We don't have any children. Do I stay with him? He swears he knows how big of a mistake he's made but, WOW! This is a doozie! No, this isn't the first time his comfort has taken precedence over being there for me.
 

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Marriage is hard. It's even harder when your husband doesn't act like he cares or participates.

About a year ago I found out I was pregnant. It was very unexpected since I had been told I wouldn't be able to have kids of my own. I was very excited when I found out but, that happiness quickly faded once I had learned that it was a tubal (ectopic) pregnancy and would need to have surgery very quickly to avoid further complications to my health.

I told my husband what I had learned. He was excited but sad, too. I had scheduled my surgery the following Tuesday since that was the soonest available and I really couldn't afford to wait. He told me that he had a face-to-face with his boss the following week and that he would have to travel to Mesa, AZ for the meeting. I asked him to stay. I begged him to stay. I was sad to even be in this position and even more scared to be doing this alone. Then came the matter of logistics. Who was going to drive me to and from my appointment that was 30 minutes away? We had recently moved to the Salt Lake area and I didn't really know anyone that I trusted enough to even ask for a ride for this. I was going to be sedated so, I wasn't going to be able to drive.

What does my husband do in a situation like this? GO ON HIS TRIP!!! Yes, you read that right. He left me in Salt Lake to handle this on my own. Did he call to even see how things went or to see if I was ok? NOPE! I got a text before he went to bed hoping I got home ok. Who does this?

I've been with him for 19 years. We don't have any children. Do I stay with him? He swears he knows how big of a mistake he's made but, WOW! This is a doozie! No, this isn't the first time his comfort has taken precedence over being there for me.

Uh, wow...

I made words, your original words appear !


Please tell him the truth.

Tell him you are considering divorce.
Tell him calmly.
Tell him why.

See if he answers.
See how he answers.

Put him on notice.

Notice, if he leaves without an adequate response.

I think your love for him is gone.

If this is true, take a permanent vacation from him.

Divorce, move on.





[The Helmsman]- Lilith
 

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Marriage is hard. It's even harder when your husband doesn't act like he cares or participates.

About a year ago I found out I was pregnant. It was very unexpected since I had been told I wouldn't be able to have kids of my own. I was very excited when I found out but, that happiness quickly faded once I had learned that it was a tubal (ectopic) pregnancy and would need to have surgery very quickly to avoid further complications to my health.

I told my husband what I had learned. He was excited but sad, too. I had scheduled my surgery the following Tuesday since that was the soonest available and I really couldn't afford to wait. He told me that he had a face-to-face with his boss the following week and that he would have to travel to Mesa, AZ for the meeting. I asked him to stay. I begged him to stay. I was sad to even be in this position and even more scared to be doing this alone. Then came the matter of logistics. Who was going to drive me to and from my appointment that was 30 minutes away? We had recently moved to the Salt Lake area and I didn't really know anyone that I trusted enough to even ask for a ride for this. I was going to be sedated so, I wasn't going to be able to drive.

What does my husband do in a situation like this? GO ON HIS TRIP!!! Yes, you read that right. He left me in Salt Lake to handle this on my own. Did he call to even see how things went or to see if I was ok? NOPE! I got a text before he went to bed hoping I got home ok. Who does this?

I've been with him for 19 years. We don't have any children. Do I stay with him? He swears he knows how big of a mistake he's made but, WOW! This is a doozie! No, this isn't the first time his comfort has taken precedence over being there for me.
I don't know how anyone could get over that.

Does he even know what he did or how upset you are?

PS you might not want to use your picture as your avatar. Someone might be able to do a reverse search on it.
 

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By any chance is your husband an engineer or scientist? Is he generally unemotional? I'm wondering if he's the kind of person who doesn't really understand human emotions or if this is out of character for him.

Yes exactly ....... Is he in a technical profession ?

I know for you this seems totally bazaar to ask when you are experiencing a deep emotional cut ......
 

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I don't buy the engineer question.

I work with a lot of programmer and math types....I myself studied physics. While we're not the most emotional people in the world I don't know anyone who would take off while their wife has surgery and then text to see if she got home.

At least not without having planned out how she'd get home. An analytical guy who gave a **** would've set up transportation for her, even if he wasn't to most emotionally supportive guy in the world.

This was a **** move by a guy who's not particularly emotionally invested.
 

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If you can’t count on him when you need him most and you are unfulfilled within the marriage - why not divorce him?

Life is too short to stay when you aren’t happy.
 

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No, this isn't the first time his comfort has taken precedence over being there for me.
Many men, including me, go to their jobs as a high priority because you are dependent, as well as your unborn child, upon a steady source of income. We see ourselves getting older, and we recognize from observation that the older we get, the less likely to get another job which provides as well as the current one.

Your husband may be thinking of you and your family first in making this choice. If he missed this meeting, he might be in a precarious position with his employer.

We don't think too much in terms of emotions. We stick to the facts, and we sometimes are insensitive to our wives' preoccupation with nurture and nesting. Especially those of us who haven't been around a pregnancy yet.

And I fully "get" the technical profession question. I'm Mr. Spock......
 

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Read about Narcissistic Personality Disorder and see if you think he has many of these traits.

My Ex went to work while I went alone to have a sonogram because a mass had been discovered in my abdomen. I was the only unaccompanied person in the crowded waiting room. This is not as bad as your situation by far, but it is an example of the level of disrespect when his 'stuff' always comes before yours, no matter the degree of seriousness.

If you are considering divorce, there is a lack of intimacy and connection after 19 years that supersedes understanding. After a while the holes in your soul are gaping and the emptiness is all-consuming.
 

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You know things sure would be a lot simpler if we knew exactly what the other was thinking. What was that movie with Mel Gibson? I would recommend reading the book No More Mr Nice Guy. The whole audiobook was on youtube a while ago, but it's been removed now :( It also applies to ladies as well. We are too F***ing nice and not direct enough. I am learning to be more direct. Boundaries is also a good book to help with issues like this too.

Decide what you can and can't live with and have a heart to heart. If the man can't/won't meet you halfway, he probably recognizes his own inadequacies and would be ok to move on as well. Sounds like there's more to the story (as there always is)
 

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He is an engineer but, so am I. I'm not necessarily the most emotional person myself but, I do understand decency and until recently, I thought he did too. I think I've answered my own questions at this point with the help of you all, so thanks!
 

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I can't tell you whether or not to divorce; after all, only you can determine if your husband's behavior is a deal-breaker.

I went through six months of chemo alone. My husband was never with me through the entire ordeal. His life. His choice.

I didn't divorce him over it, but then we'd been separated for about 18 months when I received treatment. We were separated (not legally) until his death in 2015.

Frankly, my expectations of him weren't much by the time I permanently left the marital home in September '09. I just did what I had to do. After all, he'd pulled so much outrageous crap over the years, that I didn't expect any hand-holding or support.

And I think that is where you need to look at your overall marriage to determine if this is just one more thing in a history of crappy things. It might be, but again, you have to determine that.

P.S. - My husband was an engineer with the U.S. Army Corps of Engineers.
 

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I think I've answered my own questions at this point with the help of you all, so thanks!
If you decide to stay in the marriage, but find it challenging, please keep posting. If you decide to leave the marriage, and encounter challenges as a newly-single person (which you will), I hope you will continue to post.

I would like to support you in whatever choice you make. All the best!
 

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I'm so sorry for your loss. The loss of a much wanted and hoped for pregnancy is devastating but having to have surgery is just salt in the wound. I don't blame you one bit for being upset and disillusioned with your husband. He helped create that pregnancy and he should have been there for you during the whole ordeal. His actions were not only selfish but cruel as well.

Are you otherwise satisfied in your marriage or was this just the final straw for you? If you've been happy otherwise, I'd recommend some marriage counseling to help you through this. It sounds like you have told him your feelings and he claims to realize he screwed up but has he done anything to prove that something like this won't happen again? What has he done to show you he is truly remorseful of his actions?

As a women's health nurse, I can tell you that MANY men just can't handle these types of situations. They feel confused, scared, guilty, uncomfortable and instead of dealing with it head on, leave the poor wife to deal with it all by herself. I can't tell you how many patients I've cared for where the husband is at work and she's alone dealing with a medical crisis. It doesn't make it ok, but it might help to know you aren't alone.

I'm sorry you needed this site but I'm glad you found it. *hugs*
 

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I got a text before he went to bed hoping I got home ok. Who does this?
Wow. What a complete POS.

He swears he knows how big of a mistake he's made....
Yup, he knew it BEFORE he left you to fend for yourself in your condition but he didn't care enough to actually DO anything about it.

But now that he's back and was able to do what he wanted to do, all the worthless appeasing begins, starting with his confession about what a huge mistake he's made and blah blah blah. What a phony.

I agree with Beach. I'd be done with this fool.
 

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You said he had a face-to-face with his boss. Do you know what was said in this conversation? If he felt he could not miss this meeting as it might jeopardize his job I can see why he made this choice. I support myself, I have my own business, if I don't work I don't eat so if one of my daughters was in a situation like this it would be a hard decision. I am assuming this meeting could not be moved and your husband felt he had not other option.

I do feel for what you went thru and understand your need for support. Does your husband understand that though? Were you able to tell him that it would mean a great deal to you to have his support? Some men really do not get this. I was married for 24 years and had to handle a great deal on my own, lots of things I felt ex should have handled or been there for me but he was not capable.
 

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I dont know if you should throw away 19 years over that. Now, it may just be the straw that broke the camels back, which I get, but why cut off limbs if they can be salvaged. He was doing his provider thing, so it wasnt like he ran off the Vegas to put his paycheck on Red.
 
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