180...

I'm doing this via cell...4give my many posts...I hate losing sh*t and having to type over..anyway...researching the passive aggressive somehow got me to this forum..this is the type of man I am dealing with. Soo many tell me to be done...or leave him...(he left already)..but let him go. I see I have no choice...in truth I have went and got him 'every damn single time' he's left b4. He's never come home on his own. Yet..when he's home and things were good/normal...were a great couple. Were a very attractive couple also. The guys needs were met in every aspect of our marriage...it was this passive aggressive....he could do nor did any wrong 'sorry' was hardly in his vocabulary...I wrote on another thread some of this...I'm looking for feedback from anyone out there who's deal with a PA that walks out. Leaves a loving beautiful wife. I...don't....get....it. he has 3 kids from a previous marriage high school sweetheart...she left him cos he 'checked out' on her needs...he then dated the same woman on and off 4yrs...got engagged 2b married and STILL wasn't content...he got involved fell in love with me and left the other at the alter 1 month b4 wedding....
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I love him...we were/are extremely attracted to each other. He wanted for nothing in the bed room and out. But when it came for me being sick or injured or finishing projects or 'needing' ...sometimes he was there...but when he wanted to 'check out'...disconnect...he sure sh*t did. Now every text is he wants his 'stuff'..well...he has all his clothes...I'm not ready for gaps of furniture 2b missing from my house yet...he wants his tools etc....yea I got that...but 'im' not ready yet...were barely 2wks out...he's living with his parents for craps sake! He needs none of it! What is his hurry? He says he's not messing around...my gut doesn't tell me he is...and he knows I can check the cell phone bill ...his parents...his mom mostly....would frown on it big time. But I dunno who knows...I didn't do anything to warrant this...I'm not a ***** or a nag...I didn't 'change' in any way...I was a great servant of a wife...my complaints were my needs not being met...I kept giving and giving and giving...and when his kids came over...gawd they sucked the oxygen and life right out of me...him too.
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Meaning its my husband...his 3 kids...and his parents and the parents house...now the little girl 'has' to be around him...wonder how that's gonna go. His ex said when it comes time for my husband to go to couseling 'with' his daughter he'd better go. He said he would...sh*t...dudes been told he's got communication issues....wonder if he's gonna learn anything. The guy doesn't respect anyone close to him that bears a vagina. I was sooo good to him. I was thicked skinned and dealt with every abuse definition there is...yes I know that also makes me stupid...I got so co dependant...I've never ever been alone. I'm so tired of people telling me how I will find someone else because I'm so...such and such. I'm also tired of hearing "your stonger than you think"...wtf...uh...no...I'm not...let me stab u in the eye with a fork! Cos that's how I feel!
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Stella Moon said:

He's. Glorious to his boys elegirl...takes them everywhere. When he has them they are velvroed to his hip. The boys are glorified athletics...in wrestling...football..
Brace yourself for what I'm going to tell you next...his daughter...3rd yr of volleyball...he's NEVER gone to one practice...or game. Not one.
He will wrestle and touch and love on the boys...only touches his daughter..hugs her to say goodbye...that's it.

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In my eyes his being glorious to his boys does not exempt him from the abusive father roles. You see he's also abusing his sons in a very subtle way. He's teaching them to mistreat their sister and therefor all women. This is gonna mess up their adult lives.

You say that he has been abusive to you. I can see how this happens. you have excuses for his behaviors... making the good grand and discounting the bad.

Do you know why a person gets into an abusive relationship? It's because they discount their partners bad behavior and glorify the good. They do not have healthy boundaries and put up with anything that is dished out. What becomes the most important thing is that their abusive partner pays attention to them.

I'm sorry but this guy does not sound like someone worth spending you life with.

Stella Moon said:

One of the hardest thing I'm dealing with in all this...is...my attraction...my physical attraction toward him. Crazy for him physically. I see him and crave him...I try to divert my eyes..but still come across a pic here and there...he's an extremely attractive man. No matter what ever went on...my heart would skip a beat...I would watch him out the window or at work...and want him nakid. Very in love with him. Sickening isn't it?

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Do you know why you feel this like about him? It’s not because he deserves it. It’s because when you have sex with him your body produces huge amounts of a bonding hormone…oxytocin.

Oxytocin works on the brain a lot like heroin. Your body learns to associate him with oxytocin production. Once you started to have sex with your body fine-tuned this response so that when you hear his voice, smell him, see him, etc… your body starts to pump out oxytocin.
You are addicted to oxytocin, not to him.

Oxytocin is a wonderful, natural, drug produced by our bodies. People love it. It’s why affairs happen, why people who are in love act like idiots sometimes (well often). They want their next fix and if they have to put up with an abusive, boorish guy to get that fix… well it’s better than no fix at all.

This is why not sleeping with a person until you know them and have vetted them as a worthy partner is so important…. Do this before allowing them access to truing on your oxytocin production.

And this is why neglected spouses fall out of love.. the oxytocin production stops and then they cannot stand their spouse to touch them.

Stella Moon said:

I despreatly need to do the 180 thing...I was the rescuer...fix it...door mat...controlling....needy...co dependant...

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Yes you do need to do the 180 thing. You need to not see him, hear him, smell him or things about him for some time. It takes about a year for the oxytocin connection to him to be broken.

The shortcut way to do it is to get into an exit affair… reprogram to another person. But that’s dangerous because you could end up with another abusive guy.

I know, where’s the fun in knowing that love is just a chemical addition? Find someone worth of your love.. then it comes a lot more.

Ok.. stop thinking about him.

What is something disgusting and gross... leftovers that have been in the fridge for too long.... so every time you think of him change your thoughts briefly to a container of stew that's been in the fridge for weeks... blah

Now change your thoughts to something very nice.. like a sunny day on your favorite beach... image yoru self sunning, or walking in the waves... feel how good YOU feel doing this.

This is how I change my thought patterns after I found out about my husband's affairs. I was able to stop all the crazy thoughts in my brain by doing associating yucky things with what I did not want to think abou t and wonderful nurturing things that make me feel good.

How do I know about the oxytocin crap? I don't really know all that much. But I'm fascinated with the human body as a chemical engine. It's a field of study that I wanted to go into at one time. So when something like this comes up I read up on it. If I could have a second life that might very well be what I would pursue.