Lately I noticed my wife was being more distant than usual. Seeking some affirmation that everything was OK. I asked her if we were ok. For a long time she didn't answer, then she said no, she's unhappy and has been for a while. (15 years). Since then we've talked some, but not really at length. I am lost and totally confused. But here's the facts.
1. She had just gotten out of being engaged to a guy that cheated on her before we met.
2. We met and engaged 7 months later, married 5 after that.
3. She says she thinks now that she married too soon after and that maybe married me because I was "safe" (wouldn't cheat, drink, abuse etc...) That is all true, never have, never will.
4. We have had our problems, but we always dealt with them and moved on. Finances (no problems) Housework (share pretty equally, I do most) Just your standard run of the mill stuff everyone deals with.
5. She says she loves me like a brother, not husband.
6. We started going to church together about 13 years ago and have been active together in it ever since.
7. Our church has annual marriage retreats to strengthen marriages and we've gone for 10 years. At the retreats we learned about tools etc... to help our marriages, never once did she say we had a problem. Seemingly it was a good away weekend for us every year.
8. We went through the pain and agony of attempting to have children for 3 years before we adopted 2 girls 10 years ago.
9. I forgot, she said that all this time she thought that "it" would get better. I guess "it" is her being happy. I can't really get her to describe what "it" is.
10. We both work
11. There are a lot of things going on in her life (our) She works full time
12. She is going to school online for her doctorate
13. She teaches at a local college
14. Her mother is dying from Emphysema
15. Her grandmother has Alzheimers
16. All of that has got to take a toll on her and I know this, I have been as supportive as I can. I cook, clean, take care of the kids, help her parents, everything I can do to make her life easier. I also work 48 hours a week rotating shiftwork.
17. Our sex life has never been hanging from the chandelier but I never felt it was terrible either. The first 5 years I usually initiated and was turned down a lot. After that I kind of resigned myself to whenever she might be in the mood, not often. But I always said to myself I married for more than that, and I'm committed. Now in my late 40's my libido isn't as strong and I don't sweat it so much.
18. She has said that I am the perfect husband and none of this is my fault.
19. No, she's not seeing anyone else, when would she have time.
20. She is overweight and has always been worried about it, but it has never been an issue with me. I see her as a beautiful, vibrant, smart, sexy woman, my wife!
Anyway when she dropped this mega-bombshell on me needless to say I was shocked. I had a little panic attack, threw up and was generally miserable. That's been a week ago. I asked her if she would give it six more months and seek counseling for her and together with me. She agreed, but told me not to hold out hope. Her appt. is next week. I've gone independently because I really needed to talk to someone.
Our family and friends are completely shocked. To them looking in we have been extremely happy for 16 years. They can't believe she feels this way. No one, no one is more shocked than me. I am totally devastated by all this. I'm confused, lost, and hurt. I want to make it work and I want to fix it. I do realize that I can't make her love me or want me. But it is going to be extremely hard to keep my chin up during this.
Ok, I'll sit back and let everyone solve my problem for me. Hahaha!
1. She had just gotten out of being engaged to a guy that cheated on her before we met.
2. We met and engaged 7 months later, married 5 after that.
3. She says she thinks now that she married too soon after and that maybe married me because I was "safe" (wouldn't cheat, drink, abuse etc...) That is all true, never have, never will.
4. We have had our problems, but we always dealt with them and moved on. Finances (no problems) Housework (share pretty equally, I do most) Just your standard run of the mill stuff everyone deals with.
5. She says she loves me like a brother, not husband.
6. We started going to church together about 13 years ago and have been active together in it ever since.
7. Our church has annual marriage retreats to strengthen marriages and we've gone for 10 years. At the retreats we learned about tools etc... to help our marriages, never once did she say we had a problem. Seemingly it was a good away weekend for us every year.
8. We went through the pain and agony of attempting to have children for 3 years before we adopted 2 girls 10 years ago.
9. I forgot, she said that all this time she thought that "it" would get better. I guess "it" is her being happy. I can't really get her to describe what "it" is.
10. We both work
11. There are a lot of things going on in her life (our) She works full time
12. She is going to school online for her doctorate
13. She teaches at a local college
14. Her mother is dying from Emphysema
15. Her grandmother has Alzheimers
16. All of that has got to take a toll on her and I know this, I have been as supportive as I can. I cook, clean, take care of the kids, help her parents, everything I can do to make her life easier. I also work 48 hours a week rotating shiftwork.
17. Our sex life has never been hanging from the chandelier but I never felt it was terrible either. The first 5 years I usually initiated and was turned down a lot. After that I kind of resigned myself to whenever she might be in the mood, not often. But I always said to myself I married for more than that, and I'm committed. Now in my late 40's my libido isn't as strong and I don't sweat it so much.
18. She has said that I am the perfect husband and none of this is my fault.
19. No, she's not seeing anyone else, when would she have time.
20. She is overweight and has always been worried about it, but it has never been an issue with me. I see her as a beautiful, vibrant, smart, sexy woman, my wife!
Anyway when she dropped this mega-bombshell on me needless to say I was shocked. I had a little panic attack, threw up and was generally miserable. That's been a week ago. I asked her if she would give it six more months and seek counseling for her and together with me. She agreed, but told me not to hold out hope. Her appt. is next week. I've gone independently because I really needed to talk to someone.
Our family and friends are completely shocked. To them looking in we have been extremely happy for 16 years. They can't believe she feels this way. No one, no one is more shocked than me. I am totally devastated by all this. I'm confused, lost, and hurt. I want to make it work and I want to fix it. I do realize that I can't make her love me or want me. But it is going to be extremely hard to keep my chin up during this.
Ok, I'll sit back and let everyone solve my problem for me. Hahaha!
