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Discussion Starter #1
I have been a lurker for the past few months and after todays events i have had to sign up so you guys can help me with your advice and opinions..

I have been with my partner for 13yrs,were not married and when we met i took her 7 yr old son on..

12 yrs were your standard relationship.good/bad times but we stuck together and talked about marriage a few times along the way.

Now for these 12 yrs she worked in a chemist in a mostly female enviornment i had no worry about her cheating because she did'nt really have the opportunity and i thought she was loyal and gave me no worries on the cheating front

then in april i had to quit work to care for my dad and my partner got offered a new job which paid alot more..happy days we thought..

where she works now she has to come into contact with alot of men and she would often come home with stories of this fella and that fella but it still never entered my head that she could get involved with someone else..

Then late august she came home and said one of her work female friends had asked her to go for tea with them afterwork,this is something she has never done before..

i needed the car that day and said i will take you to the pub where your friend is and pick you up later,well red flags came she was so insistant that i dont take her that it made me suspicious..

after a few days of red flags i found a secret phone,she hjad been txting a fella at work for a few days,but we all know thats how things start so i decided to approach her before it could go any further.

She had been out for tea with this bloke but thats all according to her,she was flattered etc all the usual stuff,but no physical contact and i believed her..so i say this stops now no more contact unless its work related.we need the money and leaving the job is a defo no no...she agree's and i believe her and she also said she had told fella not to txt her anymore....i gave her the beneift of the doubt and moved on..

now for the past month or so it has been on my mind and i have been watching her like a hawk,iv had little red flags that have made me suspicious but i could never prove it..until today

i found another phone as her behaviour was odd,going the toilet alot,sneaking uostairs etc..i did'nt have time to read all the txts and put the phone back,i had seen enough...

later that evening after several hours of thinking about it i decided to tell her i know and i want to see the phone now or im gone...she would not show me the phone and i just left and have told her unless i see those txts over 100 at the time and you tell me everything dont bother contacting me..

The house is her's thats why i left..

iv contacted other fella he hung up and switched his phone off,****house of a man that he is..

what next people, i love this woman and think she is in an emotional affair with this bloke,im pretty certain it is not sexual as yet..

ADVICE PLZ...and any questions i need to answer just ask
 

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One way of playing it: apologise.

Get back in.

Get a voice activated recorder and put it into her car. Get a keylogger on her computer. If she has a smartphone, get recording software onto it.

Not sure how else you can play it as she called your "bluff".

Right now, she is addicted to a drug and she will not see sense.

You are what stands between her and that drug. You have just begun a war with her addiction.
 

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Discussion Starter #3
Why should i apologize,no way am i doing that and im certainly not going back until she shows me her phone and is willing to talk openly about whats going on..

plus iv already contacted other man and he must of told her and now she is saying she is scared of me etc,etc and i should'nt of contacted him..

I love her yes,but that dosen't mean im gonna be a door mat i think i was too soft with her the first time,i think its now time to man up...
 

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Yes and Yes! You have to be willing to end this relationship if it comes to it. If you leaving doesn't snap her out of the fog of the EA then she's given you no choice. You'll leave with your self respect intact, do not underestimate the importance of this. If she's willing to stop then go back home and give her a chance to make amends and work on the relationship. I wish more men would respond the way you have.
 

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Stay dark on her---the ball is in her court---see where she is at

You do have a problem, if she is now the breadwinner, in that she does not need you---so taking care of your father or not---you better make yourself self sufficient---especially in her eyes

Why is it after 12 yrs, the two of you have not married----do you not want each other enuff to make it official and take vows----all of these things, may be playing into what is going on in her mind

For now, hold your line, and stay dark---see if she really loves you enuff to miss you, and want you back---or if she is moving on---and if she is moving on---then you know where you stand.
 

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Discussion Starter #7
Thanks for your reply its very helpful..

We never got married for financial reasons,we were better off with her being a single mother while her son grew up...but its always felt like we were married except for the piece of paper..

Regarding the money issues she has always been self sufficient and has never needed money from me.She knows i can take care of my self and money is not an issue..she certainly wont come back because of money.

My plan is to stay dark and work on myself and hope she wakes up from the fog but if she dosen't then i know she dos'ent want me in her life..
 

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Why should i apologize,no way am i doing that and im certainly not going back until she shows me her phone and is willing to talk openly about whats going on..

plus iv already contacted other man and he must of told her and now she is saying she is scared of me etc,etc and i should'nt of contacted him..

I love her yes,but that dosen't mean im gonna be a door mat i think i was too soft with her the first time,i think its now time to man up...
Peter, it would be a ploy to enable you to find out what you need to know.

And contact OM's wife/girlfriend, too, if he has one. And your wife's workplace.

Hmmm. Was she on benefits as a single mother? (Might be legal comeback if this was so.) Or is she getting alimony?

Was her cheating the reason she was a single mum?
 

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get rid of her. at the very least she is a liar and most likely much more.
you want to be married to a deceptive liar and cheater?

you will never be able to trust her.
 

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are you in a common law mge state---if so you have a little leverage

The question here is---the guy she is messing with----she has no REALITY with him, so he is not what he seems at this point---

You and your CL wife---have reality---making it thru emergencies, bill paying, hard times, running errands, taking care of your kid---necessities of life----she has none of that with him---what she has is the 2 of them whispering sweet nothings to each other----

But do not go in begging/groveling/or acting like a child----just stay dark, and show that you can and will take care of yourself---and you do have a future w/out her if need be

Eventually she will see the grass is probably not greener---but right now she is in limerance---hot passion, infatuation----just hold your line, and show her you are the man----but as the man, you do not want her, if she doesn't wanna be with you

Remember----97% of A. hook-ups---FAIL

Do make sure you are there for your kid---no matter what
 

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Discussion Starter #11
Firstly as stayed in my OP we are not married but as good as

Secondly her kid i took on when he was 7 and he is now 20 and living his own life

Mattmatt i dont need a ploy to find out other info i know all i need to know,she lied big time and refuses to be open with me and let me see the 100 and odd txts she has recieved from OM

Yes she was on benefits as a single mum but i dont wanna get her into trouble.

Her last marriage broke up cos hr was a drunk and a self absured idiot.

Bribruis lol i intend on taking a tough stance on this but reluctent to throw 13yrs and my best friend away.i will give her a chance to be open and honest with me but if she is not then im willing to move on.

Jnj express i agree with all you say,great advice and i think this is the way i will go for the next few days and see if she comes to me or not

Thankyou all for the replies
 

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Discussion Starter #13 (Edited)
Warlock this is my big concern...and prob my next question to the forum..

She knows i want to see those txts and if she deletes them then she has disrespected me and i think i would have to say bye bye,you knew what i wanted from you 1 to see those txts and 2 to be open and honest with me

If she deletes them and then wants to talk to me she is hiding things she dosent want me to see

Do you think im right..if deleted she is hiding something and protecting herself?
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The fact that she as now gone through 2 secret phones means that she's been deeply involved in this for a while. Cheater do not just go out and get affair phones right at the start. Either this is not her first affair, or it's not his first affair, or it's been going on a while.

Either way a burner phone is the tool of a serous cheater.

I suggest you notify their HR at work along with their boss. Office romances are not ok at most places. Then find out all you can about the OM, where does he live, does he have a wife/gf and else the affair to them.

Post the OM to cheaterville.com.
 

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Discussion Starter #16
Shaggy...im were not married otherwise i would contact her HR department..

But if i do i could look like a idiot

Id love to contact her HR department but do i have the right
 

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Shaggy...im were not married otherwise i would contact her HR department..

But if i do i could look like a idiot

Id love to contact her HR department but do i have the right
Yes you have the right. You live in the same house and are a family. In many places you'd be considered common law spouses by now.

This dirt ball has broken up your family. If you value it, then it's time to go to war for it.

You've steady lost her in the initial movements, do at this point what have you to loose by trying?
 

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Discussion Starter #18
Thanks thats a serious options for me to consider.

So i phone her HR department and say what?

Hi im so so partner of 13yrs and i believe she is inapprioate relationship with a fellow co worker which is happening in work time and with work equipment is there anything you can do to stop this man contacting my partner.??
 

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I'd have to say multiple burner phones = experienced, serious cheater.

Expose to the OM's BW or GF.

Stay incommunicado with WGF.

I assume you and the WGF have a circle of friends. If so, give the GF something to think about: change your haircut, start dressing sharper and start going out. Get a six pack. This is the time to do it, since you're on the "infidelity diet," most likely. You'll be looking good so you should get some female attention. Be seen by your mutual female friends at your usual haunts with a parade of women younger than your GF. This sounds stupid and asinine, but I assure you that the more you project you're moving on to younger, hotter women, the more she'll be bugged. She may not be bugged much, but that's about the only way to get her attention when she's in the first rush of sex with a new guy.

Will it work for you? Highly unlikely. She brought you on board primarily because you were to serve as father figure and co-provider, a so-called "Beta-Provider," for her son by Alpha. She wasn't with you because of any great sexual passion for you. You've outlived your usefulness to her now that the son is on his own. She never wanted kids with you. The End.
 

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Discussion Starter #20
Mach - I agree with some of what you say and you could well be right on all those things e.g im no longer needed,iv outlived my purpose who knows whats going through her mind..

Im in the process of tryin to find more out about OM but its difficult as i only know his first name and mobile number but im workin on it..

I will at some point have to see her no doubt about that to get my belongings if it comes to that and i will be ready,new hair cut,shirt etc just to bug her..

But we will see its early days but 2 burner phones is not good..

Thanks for your comments..
 
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