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Discussion Starter #1 (Edited)
Married for 12 years with three young kids.

As it turns out about a week ago, I made a major decision in life to quit drinking. After years of 2-3 week nights of hanging out with friends, buddies, co-workers mid afternoon for 5-6 drinks, I realized that I started having issues with drinking. As an ex-football, it had also caused me to put on a lot of weight (85 lbs).

I am a sex addict meaning I love it. Early in our marriage it would not be uncommon for me to have sex a couple of times a day and privately masturbate 2-3 times as well. When we dated, my now wife was open to trying things and enjoyed having sex. Until we started dating, she had 2-3 other partners and had never had an orgasm. She was raised in a very conservative environment. Sex was never discussed with her by her parents. She does all the laundry, we split cooking, I do about 30% of the time taking care of the kids, earn good money in an upper middle class effluent neighborhood. Anytime she has wanted to hang out with the girls, I have always said yes - mainly because I hang out with the guys and I know she needs her time. She is a great mom, wonderful and caring wife except for her willingness to have sex.

Now married, she does not like to experiment, rarely does any oral sex, refuses anal sex and constantly rejects me. In 12 years of marriage, I, like every other man, have awoken with morning wood. Never once has she ever taken care of it as a "good morning". She refuses to masturbate because it is wrong. She doesn't' approve of me masturbating, but over the years she has come to accept it.

This year, I have reached a boiling point. I lost 60+ lbs this year and I am still not getting any. So tonight, we went to church this morning, ate out as a family, came home and I watched football and played with the kids, we ordered Chinese food for dinner, she folded clothes and finished the laundry and it got late. The wife is yawning and she comes and sits on the couch and gives me the look of I am tired so if we are going to have sex tonight we had better hurry up. Me, I am going to bed. The crazy thing is I really don't know if I give a crap anymore.

I have done something that I had never done in my entire life - cheated on my wife. I didn't enjoy it. The guilt from it made me want to throw up. I am so angry at my wife that it makes my head spin. I am an adult and it was my decision (which involved alcohol). The problem is that after getting over the guilt, I found myself in the same situation over and over.

It has been 3 months since I have had sex with my wife. She doesn't seem to care as I have tried to initiate it. So tonight I didn't even try and neither did she. We are like two roommates who love each other and love our kids, only we are never really intimate.

We both grew up in the same neighborhood and our families have known each other for 30 years. Divorce is not an option. A friend of mine that is a female just told me to suck it up and continue to masturbate. Another friend said to quit drinking. Our kids are incredible and neither one of us would want to do anything it hurt them. We really don't ever fight.

I found this message board and decided to post.
 

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Because I could not live without seeing my kids every single day when they wake up and go to bed. Her brother is my best friend. Our families have nobody divorced. All of our friends know our families. Lastly, I love my wife and still care about her.
 

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So you drink, cheat, and are a sex addict? Ever stop to think that your own admitted compulsions are what pushes your wife away? Maybe things will change now that you've decided to stop drinking. Tell your wife about your cheating, tho, so she can decide whether or not she wants to stay with you; maybe for her, divorce IS a viable option.
 

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Married for 12 years with three young kids. Wife works part-time and I work full time.

I had planned a weekend trip to NYC because the wife had never been. We had to cancel it because my wife's employer would not let her off work.

As it turns out about a week ago, I made a major decision in life to quit drinking. After years of 2-3 week nights of hanging out with friends, buddies, co-workers mid afternoon for 5-6 drinks, I realized that I started having issues with drinking. As an ex-football player, fraternity, clean cut man, it had also caused me to put on a lot of weight (85 lbs).

I am a sex addict meaning I love it. Early in our marriage it would not be uncommon for me to have sex a couple of times a day and privately masturbate 2-3 times as well. When we dated, my now wife was open to trying things and enjoyed having sex. Until we started dating, she had 2-3 other partners and had never had an orgasim. She was raised in a very conservative environment. Sex was never discussed with her by her parents. She does all the laundry, we split cooking, I do about 30% of the time taking care of the kids, earn good money in an upper middle class effluent neighborhood. Anytime she has wanted to hang out with the girls, I have always said yes - mainly because I hang out with the guys and I know she needs her time. She is a great mom, wonderful and caring wife except for her willingness to have sex.

Now married, she does not like to experiment, rarely does any oral sex, refuses anal sex and constantly rejects me. In 12 years of marriage, I, like every other man, have awoken with morning wood. Never once has she ever taken care of it as a "good morning". She refuses to masturbate because it is wrong. She doesn't' approve of me masturbating, but over the years she has come to accept it.

This year, I have reached a boiling point. I lost 63 lbs this year and I am still not getting any. So tonight, we went to church this morning, ate out as a family, came home and I watched football and played with the kids, we ordered Chinese food for dinner, she folded clothes and finished the laundry and it got late. The wife is yawning and she comes and sits on the couch and gives me the look of I am tired so if we are going to have sex tonight we had better hurry up. Me, I am going to bed. The crazy thing is I really don't know if I give a crap anymore.

I have done something that I had never done in my entire life - cheated on my wife. I didn't enjoy it. The guilt from it made me want to throw up. I am so angry at my wife that it makes my head spin. I am an adult and it was my decision (which involved alcohol). The problem is that after getting over the guilt, I found myself in the same situation over and over.

It has been 3 months since I have had sex with my wife. She doesn't seem to care as I have tried to initiate it. So tonight I didn't even try and neither did she. We are like two roommates who love each other and love our kids, only we are never really intimate.

We both grew up in the same neighborhood and our families have known each other for 30 years. Divorce is not an option. A friend of mine that is a female just told me to suck it up and continue to masturbate. Another friend said to quit drinking. Our kids are incredible and neither one of us would want to do anything it hurt them. We really don't ever fight.

I found this message board and decided to post.
Others will give you reading suggestions regarding your sex life.

When are you going to confess to your wife that you cheated?
 

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I don't think confessing to the cheat right now is the right answer. That will throw your marriage into a worse tail spin.
You need to find out if your wife wants your sex life to be better than it is. There must be a reason she doesn't want sex. It could be that she is unhappy about your weight, or your drinking? Does she resent you for something you did?
Maybe your wife wants a divorce but is staying with you for the same reasons, your kids and the potential embarrassment to your families.
It sounds like you both need to have a discussion about why your marriage is stalled. Go to counseling. If you both decide to stay together because of your kids, but you both have fallen out of love, maybe you can be roommates. At least then you can have an honest discussion about how she expects you to be sexually satisfied. If she isn't going to be available to you, I doubt she will say that you can't get it anywhere. If you have a roommate arrangement until your kids are grown, then your EA won't have mattered and there is no point bringing it up.
 

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Yes you have/had a drinking problem. Yes you have a sex problem too. Anyone masturbating or having sex 5X's/day has serious issues.

Interesting that you married your wife knowing she did not feel the same about sex as you.

I obsess too and the one thing I have to ask as you just glossed over it is that your wife never had an orgasm with other men, but don't mention if she does with you?

I often find it interesting not what is written, but what is not written or ignored.

You talked about a NYC trip but what does that have to do with the post? You mention the weight but the time line seems off. Cheating is just thrown in and not sure what that has to do with the post (yes I know it is a sin and terrible, but has nothing to do with no sex at home in the big picture).

The post is all over the place imo.
 

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Frankly, I don't know if you should admit to your cheating or not. It will throw your marriage further into crisis mode and make sex even less likely for you. If you don't intend to cheat again, maybe you should keep your secret.

As for sex, it may be possible to attract your wife back to you and revive her interest in sex. Although, part of attracting a woman's desire is a fear of losing you. If your wife has no fear of losing you, and you explicitly reassure her that you will never leave her, no matter what she does, then she may not find any motivation to change her behavior.

Read Married Man Sex Life | How to have the marriage you thought you were going to have. By which I mean doing it like rabbits. for some good information on how to try to attract your wife's interest.

Good luck.
 

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Discussion Starter #12
Yes you have/had a drinking problem. Yes you have a sex problem too. Anyone masturbating or having sex 5X's/day has serious issues.

Interesting that you married your wife knowing she did not feel the same about sex as you.

I obsess too and the one thing I have to ask as you just glossed over it is that your wife never had an orgasm with other men, but don't mention if she does with you?

I often find it interesting not what is written, but what is not written or ignored.

You talked about a NYC trip but what does that have to do with the post? You mention the weight but the time line seems off. Cheating is just thrown in and not sure what that has to do with the post (yes I know it is a sin and terrible, but has nothing to do with no sex at home in the big picture).

The post is all over the place imo.
Trying to wrap up a 12 year summary in one post is going to have some missing gaps. Yes, I have give my wife orgasims. The 5 times a day was when I was younger. The NYC trip was going to be this past weekend for our anniversary. The weight timeline is correct. I lost over 60 lbs this year to help bring sexy back.

The more I respond to the questions, the more I agree with your last sentence. It is all over the place because I am all over the place.

Emerald, yes I started attending AA. While I didn't drink everyday, the times that I chose to drink caused me to make bad decisions. My wife never told me I had a problem or talked about it. She was surprised that I had started AA and stopped drinking.

PhTlump, I cannot say that I will never cheat again, but I really don't want to. I know it is not right. Reading the cheating board really brings into perspective the other side of the coin. Not drinking prevents the lowering of my conscious.

Candiegirl, divorce maybe an option to her, but the flip side is she lives very, very comfortable. She chooses to work not because she has too.

I think the bottom line from a sex stand point is I have just always been frustrated with how she views sex and how everything has changed. Like it is dirty or wrong versus something that two married couples should constantly enjoy. She got mad at me last week because I was watching a Netflix movie that had two naked people groping each other and called it porn.

I bought her the book Fifty Shades of Grey. The only reason she is reading it is that all of her friends have read it and said would like it. I honestly don't know if she will or not.

Phthump, I will read that book, thanks.
 

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I think the bottom line from a sex stand point is I have just always been frustrated with how she views sex and how everything has changed. Like it is dirty or wrong versus something that two married couples should constantly enjoy. She got mad at me last week because I was watching a Netflix movie that had two naked people groping each other and called it porn.
Funny you mention that, because that's what my ex-wife did as well. Went from sex daily (pre-marriage) to me being a creep for wanting it and saying everything from porn to masturbation was wrong and gross.

Thing is, as it turned out, she was having affairs on the side. Mostly emotional affiars, but I suspect physical affairs as well. numerous ones, almost all starting online.

I'm not saying your wife is having affairs, but I'd suggest you rule it out as a possibility. And actually rule it out, not just believe strongly she wouldn't. Sometimes the people who get caught cheating are the types we'd have bet money on never doing it.

There's nothing to lose (other than getting caught possibly) in snooping around for a bit. Check cellphones, computer, etc. for a week or two and she if you notice anything unusual. If not, then at least you've ruled it out.

After that, encourage marriage counselling and push for her to attend.

I'd also suggest you not close your mind 100% to divorce. I'd never advocate it, but to rule it out entirely pigeon holes you and could condemn you to a life long sexless marriage in which you'll be enticed to cheat over and over again until (most likely since you already did it once) you'll possibly do it again.
 

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Honesty is the best policy...NOT. I wish I never knew about my husband having cheated. He was completely honest and gave me every detail I asked for.

This was over 10yrs ago & I still torture myself with it. If you weren't getting any before...you can be damn sure she's not going to be interested once she finds out 'it' has been elsewhere.

If you plan on staying together, please don't tell her. It hurts too much.

-->I'm the female you when it comes to the sex. Pre-marriage it was all the time. Now, he's kind enough to let me rest after a long day. :mad: I don't want to rest. I want him. All the time. In every conceivable way. I'm left high & dry and when I mention satisfying myself...I'm made to feel like a pervert. :wtf:

If he doesn't want me to pester him for sex...and he doesn't want me to cheat...:scratchhead:
 
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