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I came clean to my husband 3 months ago about inappropriate relationships I'd had with other men online.

After a few emotional days, he told me he forgives me and that he didn't want to talk about it anymore. He didn't want any of our friends or family to find out.

since then, especially recently I wonder if he is still hurting. But don't know how to approach the subject. Is it possible that he has actually forgiven me and moved on? I know I am still trying to forgive myself for doing that to him. He doesn't talk about it, I have become totally transparent to him giving him all my passwords and letting him go through my phone and computer account whenever he wants.

Is this classic rug sweeping? or are we actually on a healthy path??
 

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If I were you I'd take this and run with it. It would be bad if you said you didn't want to talk about it. But this is how some men want to deal with things. If he changes his mind..then talk about it. Just be an amazing wife and continue to be transparent till he's ready. But watch him and make sure he doesn't act out as revenge.
 

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I think you may want to consider IC to try and figure out why you chose to have these relationships in the first place

Ideally, both of you would get into some kind of joint counseling down the road but that's to be seen.

I'd let him know that because of the hurt and pain you caused him, you need to try and find out why you did this so you can be sure that you never do it again and that's why you'll be seeing a counselor
 

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Everyone deals differently. Not your job to tell him how to heal. But he IS hurting (unless he really doesn't care about you).

Offer to tell him where you are going, call him when you leave work so he can time how long it takes you to get home, run any outside activities by him for awhile. Offer MC. Offer to take a polygraph.
 

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I came clean to my husband 3 months ago about inappropriate relationships I'd had with other men online.

After a few emotional days, he told me he forgives me and that he didn't want to talk about it anymore. He didn't want any of our friends or family to find out.

since then, especially recently I wonder if he is still hurting. But don't know how to approach the subject. Is it possible that he has actually forgiven me and moved on? I know I am still trying to forgive myself for doing that to him. He doesn't talk about it, I have become totally transparent to him giving him all my passwords and letting him go through my phone and computer account whenever he wants.

Is this classic rug sweeping? or are we actually on a healthy path??
It is impossible and it would be non human for him to NOT have a lot of repressed anger and resentment over what you did.

I would be vigilant for a revenge affair either now or in the future. Or, possible a decision to file for divorce out of the blue.

He is definitely stewing about your affair. It is a betrayal, and it breaks the marriage vows forever and changes the way the partner sees the betrayer and their marriage vows.
 

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I came clean to my husband 3 months ago about inappropriate relationships I'd had with other men online.

After a few emotional days, he told me he forgives me and that he didn't want to talk about it anymore. He didn't want any of our friends or family to find out.

since then, especially recently I wonder if he is still hurting. But don't know how to approach the subject. Is it possible that he has actually forgiven me and moved on? I know I am still trying to forgive myself for doing that to him. He doesn't talk about it, I have become totally transparent to him giving him all my passwords and letting him go through my phone and computer account whenever he wants.

Is this classic rug sweeping? or are we actually on a healthy path??
My concern is that he is acting like no big deal -- and you stated you had inappropriate relationships with other MEN online. That is plural -- not one OM.

You need to find out why you seek these relationships -- and IC would be a start. IMO I think your husband needs to get into IC as to understand everything going on in his life.

You can't fix a marriage when there is 1 or 2 broken people involved.
 

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Don't know the emotional makeup of your husband but it could be a ticking Time Bomb that will consume him later when something triggers it in the future.

Some people compartmentalize it and it may come out in a moment of stress in the future and you will think "I thought you said you didn't want to talk about it, but now you do?"

Hope you are doing the Heavy Lifting to make your new marriage better.
 

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How is it always said here low self esteem constantly seeking validation, or just selfiish
 

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There is a big chance that is in denial.No sex,was occurred.
Thinks he dodge a bullet..Until his shook wears of.
Then is when you will see anger.So i suggest sit down write down
a timeline.And leave nothing out.Just in case.
 

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First of all keep doing everything you can to make this up to him.

I am going to warn you that it will come to a head soon. Right now he is stewing. The not talking is him processing everything you have told him. I am sure he is also gathering together everything he can. You need to be ready for the blow up. Have a timeline put together. Answer every question truthfully and right away. You do not have to put up with physical violence, but be prepared for him to scream and yell. Good Luck....there is a ton of work ahead.
 

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Discussion Starter #12
Thanks for the replies. My original post was much longer, with a lot more details. It got lost somewhere in internet land when I tried to submit it.

I have since been to IC. Without being judged, it helped me put things into perspective. I couldn't see it at the time, but now, 12 weeks out, I can't believe I treated my husband so much like ****. He never deserved that.

I know what my triggers are, and I know what I have to do to be faithful now. Transparency helps me stay honest.

Recently I started locking my phone again. One of my friends started working with me and she needed to vent to me about how horrible the place is that we work. I use my phone at work (for the timer on it) and often I misplace it, so I started keeping in locked so we don't get in trouble for things we were texting about.

Shortly after I locked it, as I was getting ready for work, my husband was trying to go through it, he found me and calmly asked me what I was hiding from him. I explained why it was locked, showed him my password and let him go through it.

The next day he sort of had a break down. He told me that he is constantly afraid that he is going to do something to drive me away, and that he couldn't imagine his life without me.

I told him it makes me sad to see him like that, that I am so lucky to have him, and I often worry about the same things. I am alot more outspoken and feisty than he is, and I do worry that I will drive him away.

He used to get like this a lot before the A. So I don't know if he is just pretending like nothing ever happened, or if he is hurting.

Initially, he told me he wanted to do the same thing to me, so that I could feel as hurt as he was feeling. A few days later, when he told me that he forgives me, and doesn't want to talk about it anymore, he told me that I didn't actually do anything.

He has never been to IC, we have never been to MC.

Honestly, if he did turn around and do the same thing to me one day, it would hurt like hell, but I wouldn't blame him for doing it.
 

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Discussion Starter #13
If he is hurting, I wonder if he is afraid to show me what he is feeling, out of fear that I will leave him.

I wonder if he is afraid to get mad, and go through all the emotions, because he thinks he might drive me away. :-(
 

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Ok... projecting my situation on this, so it may not apply.

Basically, it is the most unpleasant thing in the world to me to talk to her about this. Don’t get me wrong, I absolutely think about it all the time; So many unanswered things. An open book where it feels like I’ve only been allowed to read every third word and told I should be able to make sense of it all from that. Yet, her defenses are varied... There was the outright hostility, blameshifting, topic changing, needing to bring up her own complaints, etc. This morphed to crying fits, thoughts of suicide, massive depression, etc. Do any of those things sound like something I’d want to put a loved one through? So, I keep waiting (while detaching emotionally).... Waiting for that day that she can tell me everything without the drama and sideshow to either get me to stop or make me feel guilty for putting her through this interrogation. And I absolutely hate that she does this to me where I feel bad about myself for just asking... I did not create this problem, she did.

How are your defenses? How did you behave? Is it in a manner that makes this an approachable subject for discussion? If you’ve made it ‘distasteful’ to even broach an already distasteful, emotional subject... I can understand how he’ll do what a lot of guys were taught: Suck it up.... (and let it fester until we explode over something completely unrelated). You may have a powder keg.
 

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Reach out. Talk to him.
The next day he sort of had a break down. He told me that he is constantly afraid that he is going to do something to drive me away, and that he couldn't imagine his life without me.
If he is hurting, I wonder if he is afraid to show me what he is feeling, out of fear that I will leave him.
I wonder if he is afraid to get mad, and go through all the emotions, because he thinks he might drive me away.
You answered yourself.
Tell him you love him deeply, tell him you are not going anywhere, tell him he shouldn't suppress out of fear. He didn't anything wrong, you did. He has the right to express whatever emotion he has to feel, anger, sadness, whatever. Tell him you will get it like a champ. Tell him to reach out to you, to get support or advice from professionals or people who has been there.
Tell him you are aviable at every moment.

Are you read any book about infidelity? Why don't you offer it to him?
 

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Correct. Acabado is right on the money.

From your husband's statement about being afraid of scaring you away he obviously loves, wants to be with you and is hurting.

Him just checking your phone shows that to be the case.

So communicate with him.

Tell him how you feel. Ask him how he feels.

Then the two of you discuss what you both want from each other and from the marriage.

Not everyone like you two has the time or the place to fix this but you two do so do not waste it!

Let us know how you make out.

HM64
 

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IIWY, I would research some therapy solutions, like a weekend retreat or phone counseling with Dr Harley or some such. Show him you want to affair-proof your marriage through the use of these things. Then he won't be as scared.

Be prepared, though, for once he's no longer scared you're leaving; then, the anger will come out.
 
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