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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I am posting here because I will honestly value opinions of either men or women to this issue.

Thursday Nov 29th was my tenth anniversary. Its been a long hard ten years, its been work. Both of us have done some pretty miserable stuff to one another but we have managed to pull through it, sometimes taking longer then others. But I dont know how to pull through this one which in comparison may be petty but here goes.

For a couple of weeks before our Anniversary my husband began telling me he realllllllly had to see this Thursday night NFL game. His team vs the cowboys. So all of the time previous to this game he would say thursday after next is the game!! or next thursday!! The problem being is we do not have a cable connection where we are so we do not have the channel he needed to watch this game on. So it was his plan to go to a neighbors house to watch the game. Astoundingly I did NOT put 2 and 2 together and realize that the night of this game would be our tenth anniversary. Odd enough since two months before I asked him to take that day and the following off so we could celebrate a huge milestone in our relationship and marriage. Now I am a football fan myself and enjoy watching games with him sometimes, and NEVER ever complain if he watches them noon to midnight on Sundays.

So sometime this past Thursday it hits me that tonight is the night the game is on. Tonight is our tenth anniversary. And I'm so amazed by this because not only did I not realize it until this point, but then I realize that for weeks while Im planning having some special alone time with my husband, that I NEVER get, the whole time he is planning to go get drunk at my neighbors and watch a WEEK 12 or 13 football game. Not a play-off, not a wild card game, not the big SB.

So while I am sitting here heartbroken and crying Thursday while he is over there watching this all important game, I am really confused by so many things.

In all fairness he must have seriously thought I thought it was okay since I didnt complain the previous times he mentioned the game leading up to the date of our anniversary. But in reality, I feel like I was decieved the whole time I was talking about 'the day' and asking him to get days off for it etc. And the fact that he never said its our anniversary thursday I want to watch this game are you SURE its okay? And the last straw is that he didnt even offer to make it up to me another day. He actually got MAD at me that night and said something to the effect of 'FINE, well you have known about this for two weeks and NOW you want to complain about it????'


Honestly, I dont know how to react to this. For the last time I am ready to just close up shop on my heart when it comes to this man and run as fast and far as I can. This is a very bitter pill to swallow. And I am not sure that I can.

Can anyone suggest something here? Ive tried to put the whole story so that maybe someone on the outside looking in can see something I dont. But for the love of me I can not see how skipping ANY anniversary for something as petty as a football game is okay even if it was anniversary 3 or 6 or 9...
 

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I am a guy and I by no means mean to come across as defending him. I think the real thing is to forgive him because you didn't speak up beforehand. Next time no matter what you should say how you feel. Going to the neighbors heck no! The other thing is if you have internet I can show you how to get any of the games. He could have watched it from your house. It is a fun time for guys to hang with friends. He was insensative to your feelings, but you did not communicate how important it all was until after.

draconis
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
Although I understand exactly what you mean I do feel like I made it clear how important it was to me by asking him months ahead of time to set that day aside for us to have time alone. And the neighbor house he went to was the house of a single female not one of his guy friends.

Was it wrong for me to think that since it was such an important landmark in our relationship that he would want to spend it with me?

And yes plz, his team is the Packers and if you could show me a way to show him the games from our house then that will certainly stop a problem like this from happening again.

Is it wrong to think that he should want to make this time up to me?

Thanks so much Draconis for your input, you didnt come across defensive, you read exactly what I posted and offered an unbiased opinion of what you seen had happened. Ive never denied him times with his friends. As a matter of fact for his last week of vacation I encouraged him to go for a week long get away with his friends. He refused to go because he felt like I had something planned. I didnt, I was just tryin to give him space.
 

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I think the biggest problem was you make plans months ahead of time and he plans within weeks forgetting the bigger picture. It is obvious that he isn't as good as you at communicating or remembering.

[qoute] Was it wrong for me to think that since it was such an important landmark in our relationship that he would want to spend it with me? [/qoute]

Not at all, and yes he should make it up to you.

I will pm you with the web sites you can get the NFL games on.

draconis
 

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I'm assuming you have a generally normal relationship with your husband and he usually respects your desires. No offense to any men on this board or elsewhere with my generalization but men tend to take things on face value. When someone says something is okay, they take it as gospel no matter what previous info was there. He may have remembered that day was important to you, but he probably thought you changed your mind when you okay'd game night. He thought "WHOO HOO! Football!" not "This day is really important to her. I should stay home."

He probably got mad because he was confused about what you wanted. "She said it was okay, now it's not, so IS it or ISN'T it?"

I'm sorry for the disappointing night. It sounds like you had been planning a really good time. I would honestly give him a pass because he seems generally clueless about your feelings and not malicious. If this should ever happen again just be upfront and say: "I messed up. That's our night and I need you to be there because I've planned something special."

But make sure you and he plan something together to make up for tonight.
 

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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
All great advice and I certainly appreciate it. I suppose I just felt like he should have WANTED to stay with me as you said evenow, and knowing he'd rather see a game was more then disappointing. The relationship has been strained from time to time but things were getting better. Just seems like another step backward after my last two I struggled forward through.

I am the kind of person who feels like if I have to ask for affection, attention, kindness or consideration that it isnt coming honest and genuine, therefore its pretty worthless to my heart and soul.

So considering all of this, should I really have to suck it up, plan another night and hope he complys? How else can I ask him to make up something to me that was so unimportant to him in the first place?
 

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All great advice and I certainly appreciate it. I suppose I just felt like he should have WANTED to stay with me as you said evenow, and knowing he'd rather see a game was more then disappointing. The relationship has been strained from time to time but things were getting better. Just seems like another step backward after my last two I struggled forward through.

I am the kind of person who feels like if I have to ask for affection, attention, kindness or consideration that it isnt coming honest and genuine, therefore its pretty worthless to my heart and soul.

So considering all of this, should I really have to suck it up, plan another night and hope he complys? How else can I ask him to make up something to me that was so unimportant to him in the first place?
Could you put the boot on the other foot and ask HIM to plan out a night?

draconis
 

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No one is to blame here, and since neither of you remembered the anniversary,. there's no harm in planning another evening together to make up for it.

I don't want to sound too harsh but is there another reason that this struck you so hard? It sounds as if you expected him to hold the anniversary in a sacred spot where you hadn't placed it yourself.

I suggest that you start putting things on the calender. When he asks to do something again you can refer him to the calender and that should go a long way toward preventing such devastating forgetfulness for both of you.
 

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I would say the biggest issue would be communication. My wife and I have never had an issue like this because if I plan something on an important day in which we are to celebrate, she mentions what day it is, and we discuss whether the plans should change and we decide together.

Just based on what I see here, he's at fault for not realizing it's your freaking tenth anniversary, which is huge -- but you may also hold some responsibility for not opening that dialogue.

:scratchhead:
 

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I suppose I just felt like he should have WANTED to stay with me as you said evenow, and knowing he'd rather see a game was more then disappointing.
This is why I put in my disclaimer about him being generally respectful. Assume he does love and care about you--and also likes football. I really don't think he sees this situation so clearly as being an either he wants to watch a game or stays with the woman he loves. He had a great time and happily came home to you not realizing he had made a big goof of himself.

I am the kind of person who feels like if I have to ask for affection, attention, kindness or consideration that it isnt coming honest and genuine, therefore its pretty worthless to my heart and soul.
I do understand where you're coming from here. But it doesn't seem like your husband works this way. He may need you to tell him what you want from him. Don't think of it as the gesture not being genuine. It really does give a man a large measure of pride to please his wife and they'll do it willingly IF they understand what the woman wants and how it affects the relationship. Some people just need a clue-by-four to the head.

So considering all of this, should I really have to suck it up, plan another night and hope he complys?
I didn't mean to imply that I wanted you to "suck it up." I don't really know how to tell you to approach it (others may know better) but in some way you need to tell him that being alone on your anniversary was a mistake that shouldn't have happened. That you desire time and date nights with him and you want to be treated with flowers, candy, poems, him opening doors for you, etc--whatever you want. That you want to feel as important to him as you feel he is to you and if he wants you to continue being the awesome, loving wife you are that he'd better step up to the husband plate.
 

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I do understand why you are upset but why didn't you just remind him that night was your anniversery? Now if he then refused to do something with you and watched the game instead then I would have been mad but I just don't feel you gave him much of a chance to make things right from the start.
 

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In all the post it was only mentioned once - why couldn't he have said "hey honey there is a big game on Nov.29th- I know that is our anniversary....etc etc. etc." - It sounds like he knew what day it was but beat around the bush rather than being direct. This way he could come back with "well I asked and you said okay" - that to me is bull...........
 
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