[E.L.Y]

It's Saturday evening. We just came back from a flower&home decor store. My husband started urging me after walking a quarter of the store, despite that it's exact the place I was trying to find and there're tons of interesting staff that I like. I was standing there with the question turning in my ahead again and again: why am I still with this guy? Why does he make me so unhappy again and again? Then my shopping mood was totally gone and he saw that. So he shut up and just followed me around quietly until we checked out. After we were back home, he immediately drove out again to Home Depot to get something that 'he needs,' refusing my request to go along with him.
There was not a single time that I could shop in peace as long as he was with me. And he is always with me because I don't have a car yet. He always complaint that women are so stupid to check out everything while shopping. I asked him to divorce me and marry a man and he shut up.
That issue is only a corner of an iceberg. We have sex about once a month. He is not interested in most of the activities I recomended (e.g. having a walk together after dinner; attending the local food festival, etc). He thinks he is doing a lot of house works when I ask him to make a side dish. He's most of the time staying in the basement when we're home...
We actually don't have that big financial problem. I'm 29 and he's 31 and we just bought a very nice & decent size house in a quite good neighborhood. We don't have kids yet but we're working on that. Everybody else thinks we must be so enjoying our life now, however, that's just not the case.

 

[E.L.Y]

Like today when I was so excited finding the accent home decor that I always looked for, he said those things were so stupid and expensive.
He's super careful about money as his parents are. When we were planning to buy the house (this is our first house), my parents offered (no return required) $32,000 (almost a half of our down pay) and his parents did nothing. After we got the house, his parents sent us a card with 20 Euros (they're living in Europe). I told myself that was OK because different families have different cultures. However, I didn't expect that my husband been such a penny pincher whenever I spent or need to spend some money.

 

[that_girl]

So he controls the finances?

 

[E.L.Y]

So he controls the finances?

Not really. We both work and are sharing the bank account. But whenever I spent money he started to blah. We newly moved in our place so there're a lot of small stuff to buy, like the lights, curtain hooks. I almost bought nothing for myself but the house. I admit some times I couldn't stop when I saw something I really like.

 

[E.L.Y]

We just had a long vacation in Europe and right after we got out of the plane and opened our door, he went down to the basement. There he has his office and model trains. He's a model train collector and is very active on a model train forum. I went downstairs to see what he was doing, and guess what? He was checking the forum and the train pictures like a mother finally gets back to her child.
The next day, after we came back from work, the same thing happened again. The third day, we came back, and he said he still had work not done. So he disappeared again. I was desparate. I cooked dinner only for myself (he sometimes pointed out that he keeps putting on weight because I always asked him to have dinner with me) and started vedio chat with my mom. My mom said it's strange for him to stay in the basement all the time but she said I should talk to him. I actually did. But it worked only for a short time after we talked, and later on he just turned back. My mom also said that it was not right that I only cooked for myself. She was just trying to help me.
I was really unhappy that evening and my husband felt that. I said nothing. I'm even tired talking seriouly to him because I know nothing will work for long. The next evening, he stayed with me the whole evening, and I know he's trying to improve. But my experience is, it won't last long. I know that.

 

[Prodigal]

We don't have kids yet but we're working on that.

WHY????????

 

[bfree]

I'm probably going to ask a really dumb question. What would happen if you went down to the basement with him and spent time with him there? Would he kick you out?

 

[zookeeper]

We don't have kids yet but we're working on that.

Put the brakes on this immediately. Figure out what direction you marriage is headed before bringing a baby into the picture. The stress and responsibility of kids puts enormous stain on even good marriages, and yours is far from good.

Who wants the child, you or him?

 

[norajane]

Well, to be fair, there are a LOT of men who would not enjoy shopping at a flowers and home decor store. If you want to shop in peace, have him drop you off at the store while he goes to Home Depot or wherever, and then he can pick you up when you're done. Or borrow his car. This does not have to be an issue.

And he might very well not be interested in the kinds of things you are interested in doing. You don't have any interest in his train hobby, so why do you expect him to enjoy food festivals or whatever? You are not the same person. You married him...there must have been something you two liked doing together, yes?

And his caution about spending is what has helped you get into that nice house you have. So not all bad. Maybe you could stick to the budget and curb your impulse buying? That would probably eliminate a lot of friction.

He may just be an introvert who needs a lot of time to himself to recharge. Or you two may have a troubled marriage and he's trying to avoid you because it's uncomfortable for him to be around you. Have you asked him how he feels about your marriage?

 

[E.L.Y]

WHY????????

To be honest, I'm asking myself the same question now...

 

[Viseral]

So you have a husband who doesn't like to shop, saves money, and likes to play with trains.....

Thats most men. What's the problem?

 

[E.L.Y]

I'm probably going to ask a really dumb question. What would happen if you went down to the basement with him and spent time with him there? Would he kick you out?

That's not a dumb question at all. Well, he won't kick me out but I can feel he doesn't appreciate my company in HIS territory. He's basically sitting in front of his computers checking model trains. His plan is to build a whole landscape and run the trains there. When we were looking at houses, his first highlight is the size of the basement. At that time I already anticipated what might happen in future. The funny thing is, sometimes, I went to the basement looking for something (we still have some boxed unopened there) while he was not there, he immediately followed me down to see what I would touch, like a kid defends his playroom...

 

[Omgitsjoe]

I'm very sorry to hear how your relationship is with your H !!!

If a guy truely loves a woman ..... it wouldn't matter if he's walking with her at a home decor store or in a junk yard ......... as long as they're both together then he's happy. Obviously your H isnt and seems to just want to make you miserable as well.

You're 29 yo ............. so so young. Please cut your loss now and do not allow him to make you miserable any longer. There's a man out there who would cherish the ground you walk on ...... unfortunately it isnt your present H sorry ??

 

[E.L.Y]

Put the brakes on this immediately. Figure out what direction you marriage is headed before bringing a baby into the picture. The stress and responsibility of kids puts enormous stain on even good marriages, and yours is far from good.

Who wants the child, you or him?

Both he and I want children, so do his and my family.
I really appreciate your suggestion. Sometimes I tried to let him know that something is wrong with our marriage but he wouldn't admit it. He tends to think I'm nervous and emotional, while considering himself down-to-earth and practical. When I was bothered by some friction between us, he already got over it and moved on.

 

[zookeeper]

Both he and I want children, so do his and my family.
I really appreciate your suggestion. Sometimes I tried to let him know that something is wrong with our marriage but he wouldn't admit it. He tends to think I'm nervous and emotional, while considering himself down-to-earth and practical. When I was bothered by some friction between us, he already got over it and moved on.

Ignore what his/your family want. It is irrelevant. Live your life for yourself.

This issue could be the very thing to help you move forward or move on. Calmly tell your husband in no uncertain tems what your problems are with the marriage. Tell him that you will not have a child with him until you find a way to address these things. A baby will only make a bad marriage worse. If you don't know why you're married to him now, you'll think these were the "good old days" once the baby comes. You do know how much harder it will be to move on once there is a child, right?

Set some boundaries. If he refuses to make an effort, you really have nothing.

 

[Trying2figureitout]

I agree you need to tell him exactly what he does that makes you unhappy. I tell my wife and have no problem doing so. If she refuses to make me happy then we'll divorce. Her marriage is at risk.

Just make sure whatever that the request is REASONABLE.

He's a guy so he would find....

1. You must love going to craft stores with me

As NOT reasonable.

He would find....

1. You need to accept my hobbies just as I accept yours. i understand you may not like then but don't make me feel bad for liking them as they are part of what make up me. You need to support all of my interests in a healthy fashion. You make me unhappy when you criticize my hobbies. This makes me unhappy with our marriage and is unacceptable.

As reasonable.

Lay it out for him...he's a man and he is LOGICAL.

If he thinks sex is at risk he'll act. Stand up to your husband he should NOT be making you unhappy.

GIVE HIM A LIST!
All men would rather have a list than have to guess what their wives RESENT!

Tell us whats wrong... we fix it.. move on.
Thats the way men think. Just put it in terms we understand.

You know my wife gave me a list during ILYNILWY...guess what they were all fixed immediately... why? sex was at risk. I fixed it... we DIDN'T move on... very frustrating!

Didn't matter she still withheld and forced me into a sexless marriage... now the tables turned her she understands HER marriage is at risk.
she has my list.... "great regular sex for life sex is NOT OPTIONAL"

My wife will find that more REASONABLE than divorce.

See how that works? Give you spouse a list. Most will respond in time.

 

[E.L.Y]

Well, to be fair, there are a LOT of men who would not enjoy shopping at a flowers and home decor store. If you want to shop in peace, have him drop you off at the store while he goes to Home Depot or wherever, and then he can pick you up when you're done. Or borrow his car. This does not have to be an issue.

And he might very well not be interested in the kinds of things you are interested in doing. You don't have any interest in his train hobby, so why do you expect him to enjoy food festivals or whatever? You are not the same person. You married him...there must have been something you two liked doing together, yes?

And his caution about spending is what has helped you get into that nice house you have. So not all bad. Maybe you could stick to the budget and curb your impulse buying? That would probably eliminate a lot of friction.

He may just be an introvert who needs a lot of time to himself to recharge. Or you two may have a troubled marriage and he's trying to avoid you because it's uncomfortable for him to be around you. Have you asked him how he feels about your marriage?

Actually he would avoid any chance that other people touches his car.
I admit that men and women, person and person has different directions of interest. I'm not asking him to join in my reading or movies. What I hope is that he could be a little more patient and social. I understand that most men don't like shopping, but I'm shopping home decors and I need his opinions since it's our home. He made me nervous every single time while shopping by urging me, what ever I shopped.
Yes, we both like travelling. However, the trip can be simply ruined by his caution of spending. Take our most recent trip in Switzerland for example, we were looking for a cafe for an afternoon coffee and cake, and I told him I was starving and had a taste of salty food so I said I wanted a snack before the coffee. Then we saw a small pot sticker-to-go place. I said I wanted it and he said I was crazy because that small box of pot stickers costed 10 Swiss Franks (around 13 USD). So I fianlly had nothing before the coffee and that made me physically and psychologically very uncomfortable. Not only that pot sticker, he was all the way emphasizing how expensive things are in Switzerland and teling me how stupid it is to buy stuff there. For him, a trip is to spend on fuel, hotel, and very few souvenirs. After being with me, we also spent money on restaurants. But he said when he was a child and travelled with his parents, they seldom went to a restaurant. They only prepared sandwiches and snacks from grocery stores.
He doesn't seem uncomfortable to have me around as long as he's not in the basement. But he's there more than anywhere else.

 

[E.L.Y]

So you have a husband who doesn't like to shop, saves money, and likes to play with trains.....

Thats most men. What's the problem?

The problem is he wouldn't realize he's with a woman or let's say another person now, and he needs some patience, understanding and accommodation to maintain the relationship, or simply not to let his wife feel hurt.

 

[E.L.Y]

I'm very sorry to hear how your relationship is with your H !!!

If a guy truely loves a woman ..... it wouldn't matter if he's walking with her at a home decor store or in a junk yard ......... as long as they're both together then he's happy. Obviously your H isnt and seems to just want to make you miserable as well.

You're 29 yo ............. so so young. Please cut your loss now and do not allow him to make you miserable any longer. There's a man out there who would cherish the ground you walk on ...... unfortunately it isnt your present H sorry ??

He did tell me he liked shopping with me when we started dating (that was 7 years ago). Passion fades away but we still love each other, not that kind of love any more.

 

[E.L.Y]

Ignore what his/your family want. It is irrelevant. Live your life for yourself.

This issue could be the very thing to help you move forward or move on. Calmly tell your husband in no uncertain tems what your problems are with the marriage. Tell him that you will not have a child with him until you find a way to address these things. A baby will only make a bad marriage worse. If you don't know why you're married to him now, you'll think these were the "good old days" once the baby comes. You do know how much harder it will be to move on once there is a child, right?

Set some boundaries. If he refuses to make an effort, you really have nothing.

I'll talk to him for the last time. Thank you very much for your advice.