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10 yrs since affair felt DDay all over

22K views 86 replies 27 participants last post by  manwithnoname 
#1 ·
My wife and I have been married 20 years we are in our late 30s. Short story she had a affair with a coworker 10 years ago. Shortly after the affair started she admitted to me what happen. Basically the guy was alot older than us, not good in bed, drug addicted, bi-polar and my wife figured him out after he was caught in the parking lot at work with a prostitute. Then there is me successful wealth and not bad looking.He swept my wife off her feet by telling her how much better she was than his wife and how lame I was. We were both young and dumb. Since then we have had years of counseling and the best life I could imagine basically we are inseparable now. I had not even thought of the affair in quite some time, I went to get my truck serviced and noticed the idiot was the Serviceman. He did not recognize me at first, so I left him a stupid note about what a real loser he is and how great our life is since he showed my wife what believing a idiot leads to. I get home,tell my wife first thing who I saw and how close she came to screwing up her life. Then she starts sending me text about how fortunate she was to keep me and sorry she is about what she had done. That night she initiated some really good sex. After the sex I felt relieved and relaxed about the situation. Is all this normal after 10 years of a affair. Will a I have a break down if triggered like this in the future. It kinda opened up a can of worms I thought was long gone.
 
#2 ·
From what I have read as long as you are with her you will trigger every once and a while. That's life, lots of people trigger from lots of traumatic things in their past, what she did to you sucks. It's not reflection on you by the way, it's all on her. Good thing she wised up. There are things in my past that cause me to trigger as well, they don't have to do with infidelity. This is really no different you have to just accept it. If your life is good and you are truly over it then let it go.
 
#4 ·
That night she initiated some really good sex. After the sex I felt relieved and relaxed about the situation. .
Oh ,Thank Baby Jesus !

"she initiated some really good sex" with you. PHEW!

Like the kind she initiated with the loser "Serviceman"

You are going to be triggered till the day you die.

Why? Because your wife, your partner in the foxhole put a bullet through your heart.

Buckle up.
 
#5 · (Edited)
Like the kind she initiated with the loser "Serviceman"
Never happened that way, hers was more of a emotional affair. Remembering back with our counseling that's how a male sees a affair. For her it was attention she was getting and his stupid lying. I blame it on both of our innocents, in marriages you go through slumps. Neither of us realized people are out there ready to pounce, I lost a lot of faith in humanity during that time.
 
#9 ·
When a man reconciles with an unfaithful wife, your marriage changes forever. You will always be at risk of triggering and spiraling, potentially into a nervous breakdown or depression. It took me years of therapy, work that focuses on me and becoming emotionally healthy. I'm finally at a place where I trust myself to decide my mood and happiness because you can control it, just takes time. Now my kids and I are #1 in my life, career #2, and my wife a distant 3rd. She's already proven to me she can't be counted on for me to invest my happiness into, so I'm not. I don't care if it was 16 years ago, or 16 days ago, it doesn't change.

You just have to accept this if you want to maintain the marriage. A man staying with a disloyal woman isn't natural, it goes against everything your subconscious is telling you about her. It's ingrained into men moreso than women because with women, there is no doubt about maternity, with men the only way you could guarantee that a child was yours, is if she was sleeping only with you. You know now she is fully capable of cheating on you, So you're fighting against thousands of years of societal evolution that trained our brains to immediately get rid of a cheating woman so our genes can be passed on properly. You can sweep it under the rug for many years, but eventually it bubbles to the surface and it has to be reconciled. The fact that you wrote this note to the guy, told your wife, and are now here makes it obvious that this isn't really done.

more than likely this is what happened:

Your wife felt she settled for you, she found a guy she thought was better, that man became her Plan A, you became Plan B. Once that happened, Plan B never becomes Plan A. Just because this guy didn't work out (she found out he liked prostitutes, but if he had been a successful man into only her, more than likely you wife would've left you). Your wife found you unsatisfactory for her, and she needed a better man. That hasn't changed. You're plan B, and eventually she'll seek out her Plan A again.

I'm in a similar boat wife cheated 16 years ago leading to a lengthy separation. But I don't give a ****, I'm here for the kids and I make no bones about it. The funny thing is once I stopped caring, and I stopped counting on my wife for my happiness, my wife and I get along much better, work as a team, no issues. I've just abandoned her as a love interest, she's a friend and partner, that's all. She is now my Plan B. I'm not looking for another woman, just another life where I don't have to deal with her betrayal weighing on me anymore, it's not worth it.

Good luck.
 
#10 ·
Well, it would be pretty hard not to "trigger" when running into your FWS's screw-buddy, no matter how long after DD. Anybody would. Considering your long term commitment and success in recovering the marriage, I would look at it as a mere bump in the road, he isn't worth your time or stress. Your wife appears to have owned her bad choices, greatly values you and your marriage and show's remorse. IMHO, that's about all you can ask for. Will there be triggers? Probably. But don't let one instance change your course. If you still have any open questions about it or didn't get closure, then now is the time to discuss it with her. If not, move forward with her and leave the dirt ball in the rear view mirror.
 
#15 ·
There will always be triggers, and there's no worse trigger than seeing the 'Other Man' in person, no matter how many years have passed. Since then your wife has been a good wife for ten years and you two have a good relationship now. She handled your trigger by apologizing again and initiating sex. There's nothing better she could have done. What you have is the best possible outcome of infidelity.
 
#16 ·
Ah, yes...

She learned the lesson..
You received it second hand.

Her debt is one that never gets paid.
Yet, she makes daily installments.
Alas, the interest on this debt never trails down, of this I am afraid.

You have an edge over this Wayward Wife...
Just never sit on this, your edge, for long...lest it cut you in half.
Half a day at a time, rewarding you with a sort of, rather half life.

One half good, the other tainted, dyed blue.
 
#17 ·
There are exceptions to the norm. Please dont miss that. There are times when an affair is a one time despicable choice that people learn from and never repeat. It isnt always a sign of a persons everlasting character. I had an EA/PA 25 years ago- I quit it and made changes in my life so it would never be repeated- no fooling myself that any guy is going to be "just a friend". I went to confession I vowed to be faithful and recommit to my h for the rest of my life. I have. Never have I even had an inkling of desire towards another man since. I can't even imagine it. Not every WS is an unrepentant serial snake.

I told H after TAM gave me some 2x4's a few years ago. (I'd come on here thinking he was having an A-not really sure if it was projection, or part of a relationship OCD thing which is being treated successfully) H was devastated like it had just happened. He went through what you have gone through. We both received IC and MC and have worked very hard on recovery. We would both say that our marriage is better now than it ever has been. We are more affectionate, have more sex, are emotionally intimate and each others best friend now. We learned what each others needs are and are dilligent about meeting them.

He triggers occasionally. The feelings are less intense and short lived. He can come to me for reassurance. Its been about 3 years since his D day. I would imagine that under the right circumstances 10 years from now it could still happen.
I trigger occasionally. I dont think I have the whole story from him. I choose to live with that uncertainty.

We both decided that we will fight for each other and the marriage.There is a deeper love between us now. There have been ups and downs but it has been worth it. We spend evenings cuddled on the couch, walking hand in hand in the dark, we sleep naked spooning.

Last month- after dark -we sat naked around the fire pit (after a couple of glasses of wine) at our farmhouse-just for fun- and our tenants drove up. We ran naked hand in hand around the house to the curb side where of course there was a car coming....there we were -in our late 50's- with our imperfect bodies- running around the tree trying to avoid the passing cars headlights. H ended up crawling around the side of the house to get our clothes when he hears "Hey how's it going?" from the tenant who had not gone in the door yet!!!.........H says nothing, runs back to me and we lay on the grass laughing for about half an hour.

So......would we give this marriage up? Never in a million years. R is not for everyone. Both people need to be commited to making it better no matter what it takes. Love can sometimes be a choice - we swallowed our pride learned how to be vulnerable to each other and saw a life together that can be beautiful.
 
#24 ·
Also our relationship is much like it was when we first got together. Our sex life is awesome after the the affair. It sounds almost sick to say that. I will admit I was not a great lover before the affair, more dedicated to my company I had created and was not meeting her emotionally needs. I was never a romantic person. The affair made me work harder to be a better husband. She works harder to be a better wife. I could not imagine life with out her. She will send me text randomly about how thankful she is I didn't divorce her. Visits me a work daily for lunch. Our relationship is a much more mature relationship than we had before. When she know I'm triggered she tries to make things better. Yesterday I was very upset and yelled at her why. Why would you do this make me feel like this. She know for me it's about the sex that bothers me. I struggled with knowing someone else had sex with her. She reminds me it was never about the sex. It was emotional for her and when it turned sexual it made her feel nasty. During MC she told us She would take long showers after their sex trying wash the feeling away because it turned sexual and she never wanted it to go that far.
 
#26 ·
She reminds me it was never about the sex. It was emotional for her and when it turned sexual it made her feel nasty. During MC she told us She would take long showers after their sex trying wash the feeling away because it turned sexual and she never wanted it to go that far.

Did you really dig deep into this? If your W did not want it to go that far then why did she? If it was nasty why return to do it again?
 
#33 · (Edited)
I am gonna be honest and feel free to ignore me as I may be wrong. I had a different take when I read your first post but the more you add to it the more I think there is a whole lot more here. You see these posts one or twice a month from guys like you OP, and I always feel when I read them you honestly don't seem happy. Yes you say you are over it and your marriage is better then it ever was, but the truth is if that was the case why would you be posting on here still trying to deal with the fall out still 10 years later? It just seems like one long struggle to come to terms with the fact that the affair was a deal braker for you. Now maybe you will play out the clock and survive until one of you dies but is that really the life you want to live? Is that what you wanted from your marriage? Have you at least considered this?

Regardless if you survive or not something is not right and you need to admit it and work on it. Where you are now is not a good place even if you have convinced yourself it is or are in denial about it.

Marriage and relationships shouldn't require gritting your teeth and baring it.
 
#35 ·
Marriage and relationships shouldn't require gritting your teeth and baring it.
Ah, yes...

The Woulda, Shoulda, Coulda trio, a hopeful, usually hopeless quandrum.

The longing for that elusive 'better' usually gets a shorter and lesser conclusion.

Marriage is a trade off..
Usually, one sided.
Those are the odds.

Worth betting on? Hell yes.

Men and women are addicted to each other.
Most people bond, attach indiscriminately, randomly. Or so it seems. Meetups are subject to chance.
This is not the case.....
We are 'played' game board pieces, in this, our own play.
 
#39 ·
marriageontherocks2: "Your wife felt she settled for you, she found a guy she thought was better, that man became her Plan A, you became Plan B. Once that happened, Plan B never becomes Plan A. Just because this guy didn't work out (she found out he liked prostitutes, but if he had been a successful man into only her, more than likely you wife would've left you). Your wife found you unsatisfactory for her, and she needed a better man. That hasn't changed. You're plan B, and eventually she'll seek out her Plan A again."

I know you are speaking from your experience. However, your experience in not necessarily the same as everyone else's. OP's experience may be as you see it, maybe not. His wife may have seen him that way, maybe not. You are bitter and deservedly so, however, people change sometimes for the worse, sometimes for the better. OP's wife seems very remorseful, then again, maybe she's a world class actress. Your "scientific" theory may be correct, but I wouldn't build my life on it. I believe more in Ronald Reagan's "Trust but verify". OP should realize that many of us on the site have unhealed wounds that color our advice. Christ, who admittedly wasn't into the "Wild Monkey Sex" theories, said "Go and sin no more." If she sins again, well, that's for another story. Op is asking for help on triggers, not necessarily looking reasons why he never should have reconciled.
 
#40 ·
I know you are speaking from your experience. However, your experience in not necessarily the same as everyone else's. OP's experience may be as you see it, maybe not. His wife may have seen him that way, maybe not. You are bitter and deservedly so, however, people change sometimes for the worse, sometimes for the better. .
The only help for triggers is to not reconcile.

I'm not bitter at all, honestly, not even a little bit. I'm just having a discussion.
 
#42 ·
Nights like tonight make it so hard to leave and give up. We had a wonderful day together, great dinner, we talked about things in our life, plans for our future , held each other for a hour, had sex and she fell asleep in my arms. What can be so bad about this. At this moment all the bad just disappears and I see the loving person I married, tomorrow I will wake up remembering all the negative history of our past.
 
#43 ·
Over the summer we took a road trip down the east coast. It was probably the most amazing time I had ever had in my life. We went through every state made so many great memories. This fall we traveled the entire blue ridge parkway. Times are the best they have been in our entire marriage but I'm still haunted by small voice in my brain. A couple days ago when I was triggered, came home and started my downward spiral she said I wish I could take it all back change history so that day never came. But I told her you where enjoying the moment my heart and life was crumbling before me. At that moment in time he was your missed soul mate, the love you had always dreamed of. At that moment in time I was a nuisance holding you from having your one true love.
 
#44 ·
At that moment in time he was your missed soul mate, the love you had always dreamed of. At that moment in time I was a nuisance holding you from having your one true love.
First of all that wouldn't be my take. Don't romanticize her tawdry affair with some looser. I understand wondering if you settled, she definitely didn't. Remember every time a betrayed spouse takes back a cheater they are the ones who settle for plan B, because no one would marry a person if they knew they were going to cheat on them. Besides that you need to remember you could have great memories and trips with someone else.

But since it sounds like you want to stay together have you looked into EMDR? Maybe you should. What has she done to come up with her reasons why? You said in your other thread that you have to dominate her because that is what she likes. You also made it seem like you are staying because you think YOU are broken and could never have a healthy relationship. You need to fix this, again look into some serious counseling.

Do all that first and then if it doesn't work then maybe it's just a deal breaker for you, if you do all that you will at least have the strength to move on.
 
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#52 ·
And all this time if you had the strength to stand up for yourself, you could have been building this all of this for yourself and someone that truly loved you.

Instead you keep going down the road of “hell it might get better”.

This is on you now not your wife. You made the choice to stay with a cheater.

Best of luck with that shetsandwich that keeps coming around.
 
#58 ·
She said it was more about her emotions than the sex? Well, does anyone else here consider sex as a physical display of emotion/desire? In my experience there is no separating the two... especially if it happens more than once. I’m sorry my friend, but I have to agree with some of the other posters. In your shoes, I would have serious doubts about her commitment to YOU outside the material comforts your marriage provides.


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#63 · (Edited)
Big 10, do you feel that it is possible for someone to make a huge mistake in their life, learn from the mistake, then better themself? It seems to me that your wife is doing all that she can to atone for her mistake. You love your wife and obviously you make a great couple. You have good times together and she continues to do all she can to make up for what she did.

My advice is to work toward forgiveness. Stop beating yourself up for something that should never have happened. Your wife made a horrible mistake, but it appears she loves you and wants to help you heal from it.

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#64 ·
Big 10, do you feel that it is possible for someone to make a huge mistake in their life, learn from the mistake, then better themself? It seems to me that your wife is doing all that she can to atone for her mistake. You love your wife and obviously you make a great couple. You have good times together and she continues to do all she can to make up for what she did.

My advice is to work toward forgiveness. Stop beating yourself up for something that should never have happened. Your wife made a, horrible mistake, but it appears she loves you and wants help you heal from it.

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Between posting on here and talking with her I feel a lot better. What I do like about I relationship I don't have to hold nothing back. When I get triggered I let her know what I think and we are able to work through it. im not sure why I continue to beat my self up over it. Luckily these triggers are getting less and less. When I do trigger it last about a week, I vent and it's over.
 
#68 ·
This is also my question. IF I go through all the counseling, all the heart wrenching and gut wrenching work to put my relationship back together (19 yr relationship/3 years regular prostitute use/D Day 6/15/17) - what do I get at the end of it all? The booby prize? I really don't know what I can expect if I go through all of this. Does ANYONE have a story to tell me that doesn't involve endless heartache, distrust and disrespect?
 
#69 ·
Why do you want to? Why really?

Personally I always feel if you want a good idea what reconciliation looks like red SI's reconciliation board. There is definitely suppression to leave out the worst stories, but then most people who are successful are not posting there as well. So overall I think you get a good sense of what you are in for. Some people still feel like you years later. I have read posts from 10, 15 even 20 years out where they are still struggling like it just happened and wish they has just moved on or could move on. And there are people who swear their marriage is better then ever. I think it has more to do with the type of person you are, assuming you WS does everything right.
 
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#76 ·
I see post like this and I'm glad I'm not in the situation. I am pro-reconciliation but you almost never see a poster regret getting a divorce from a WS. I have seen a lot of post from BS that live in pain, doubt, occasional triggers, and regret. Even if it something you only think about 1 time a year.

I am so glad I am no longer with my ex when I see post like this.

B10 is a better man than I ever will. I would have had a complete melt down in that situation.
 
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