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9 Posts
Hi all. I am in my thirties, and have been mostly happily married for just over the last 10 years. My wife and I met when we were in college, and have been together ever since. We've been married just a little over 10 years, and lately have been drifting apart. We have two small children, and she is a great mother to them. For the past few years, it's seemed like her sex drive has been near zero. However, it seems like her interest in sex ebbs and flows over time, like every 6 months or so she'll want some intimacy, then crickets. During the lulls, I have tried initiating so much, hugs, kisses, backrubs, and usually get the 'we can if you want to' shrug. Not very confidence inspiring, and I deal with low self-esteem to begin with. We have not gone to counseling for this yet, but I am hoping to get us both into counseling as soon as possible, to work through our current situation.
To make things worse, we have dealt with infidelity several times in our past, from her end. This typically manifests in online interactions only (according to her). Over the past year, she has been separating herself physically and emotionally from me and the kids. She will spend many hours to herself, engrossed in her phone. I have tried to get her to spend more time with me and the kids, and usually am met with the same indifference, shrug, or just get ignored ('you're gonna miss the movie!' or 'dinner's ready!', and she sometimes will then connect again).
It should come as no surprise that the infidelity has started again. I took my time, and gave her several different options. I played dumb, and mentioned an app I noticed on one of her devices, that's used for anonymous chat. She had an excuse, "Oh, that must have gotten downloaded when I clicked on an ad or something. I'll go ahead and delete that silly thing!" Yeah... Coincidentally, her libido had also picked up around this time, so things seemed to be getting better for us. My wife (in the past) has been very adventurous sexually, until her libido 'off switch' was somehow triggered. I figured this was a good sign, maybe we were getting closer together.
About a week later, I saw from afar that her device had the telltale 'word bubbles' back and forth, and that she was engaged in lots of back and forth typing, when she said she was watching videos, or surfing online. When I looked at her phone messages, nothing out of the ordinary. I was able to look further on her device, and found another similar app. I logged in and viewed several very interesting conversations, photos, and even videos (I didn't have the heart to actually watch the videos, but saw they were of her) being sent to seemingly random guys. . I stayed up all night, and arranged my thoughts into a notepad. In the morning, after I got her some coffee, and gave her some time to wake up, I asked "Are you ready for an awkward conversation?" I started out very simply, asking "What is X app for?" She tried to deflect that this was for researching our recent bedroom forays. I replied "OK, with that in mind...I want you to know I've looked through the messages." She was quiet, and then said something like "OK." My reply, "So, where do we go from here?" I asked her to then open her page on the app, she kept trying to scroll past the embarrassing stuff. I told her that if she was embarrassed for her husband to see, then she should be embarrassed for random strangers to be seeing it as well. After hashing things out, I told her the worst part was the lying. I know she's into things I am not (she has over the past few years come out as bisexual, and is a bit of an exhibitionist). I joked (not funny though) that lately, it seemed like the only thing she wasn't into was her husband.
Trying to salvage things, I told her that if she can be open with me, I can get over some hang-ups that I have had. Part of her thing is that she wants to feel desired, and apparently I am not able to fulfill that role ("You're my husband, you kinda have to!"). I told her I will always love her, and that if this interaction is something that she needs, as long as she is open with me about it, we can try that moving forward. She has deleted all of the 'most embarrassing' things, and we both now are able to view/login to the app. Things that 'do it' for her, don't really do it for me, but if that's what we need to have in our relationship for it to work, I am willing to step outside of my comfort zone.
To put this into maybe more perspective, my parents are divorced, her parents are still together. As a child of divorce, I would do almost anything to spare our kids from going through the emotional trauma that I had to go through. My parents split up because (from as far as I know) they drifted apart, and my mom cheated first emotionally, then physically, with the man she would date for the remainder of my childhood (they are no longer together). I wonder if this is coloring my interpretation of what is happening in my own marriage.
I have asked my wife is she is happy ("Yes, of course!"), if she enjoys the life that we have built together (we have a nice house, in a lovely neighborhood, several pets, two wonderful kids; "Yes, of course!"), and if we can just be for each other, or if I will ever be enough for her (Yes, of course!"). I busted out the "Put yourself in my situation; if you saw I was hiding and sending **** pics to random women, how would that make you feel?" The response did surprise me, she said that honestly, she probably would be ok with it. I've toyed with the idea of creating an account for myself (and letting her know/sharing the login info) for doing just that, to put this theory to the test, but I wouldn't get anything out of it, it's not my kink. Sex with my wife is.
As any typical human does, I've viewed a decent amount of 'adult video' in my life, as has my wife. However, her tastes vary quite a bit from mine (she showed me one of her videos when we were starting to open up again before the infidelity, and it was pretty intense, not something I had done before, or really had an interest in). She joked along the lines of "Oh, it's been SOOOOO LOONG since I've watched Vanilla porn, I forgot!"
After our Big Talk...I've asked some other kind of probing questions..."You mentioned that you messed around when we were broken up that one time...but what really happened?" I try my damnedest not to dwell on the past...but now that we are being open, I have been testing those depths. And, I've found that what I was told at the time was 'nothing' was more than nothing. She has been into less vanilla things for a long time, but mostly in the online dabbling, or in viewing/reading kinky stuff. I told her that when it goes from viewing/reading to doing, and sending photos/videos, that's a whole other thing.
I want to move ahead together, but I still have this sick feeling in the pit of my stomach, and my whole body trembles with frustration and depression at times. This varies to feelings of openness and hopefulness, that maybe we can create a new relationship, full of trust and adventuring together, and leave the past behind. But, I don't know if I can face being betrayed and lied to time after time. One of the notes I typed was "What's going to make this time different?"
Sorry for the wall of text. I need some outside perspective on this. Is our marriage salvageable? Is this relationship salvageable? I would do anything in my power to try, and I would hope she would as well. We are trying to find a marriage counselor that is understanding of the situation's ins and outs (infidelity = bad, but kink = OK together?) but have not gotten any one available yet. The part I struggle with is the sharing. I don't know if she will be happy with only my attention and affection. To me, her attention and affection towards me has been down to a low level for so long, I had stopped trying. I am also working from home currently, taking care of the kids when they are home, and trying to keep the house sanely ordered. I don't feel appreciated, and haven't for a long time. She has recently said along the lines of "I don't deserve you!" and I told her that we deserve each other, that I love her and will always love her. I have tried to be accepting, and have let her know to not feel any shame in what she wants and needs, as long as she gets it (mostly, hopefully) from me.
Let me know what you all think. Thanks in advance.
To make things worse, we have dealt with infidelity several times in our past, from her end. This typically manifests in online interactions only (according to her). Over the past year, she has been separating herself physically and emotionally from me and the kids. She will spend many hours to herself, engrossed in her phone. I have tried to get her to spend more time with me and the kids, and usually am met with the same indifference, shrug, or just get ignored ('you're gonna miss the movie!' or 'dinner's ready!', and she sometimes will then connect again).
It should come as no surprise that the infidelity has started again. I took my time, and gave her several different options. I played dumb, and mentioned an app I noticed on one of her devices, that's used for anonymous chat. She had an excuse, "Oh, that must have gotten downloaded when I clicked on an ad or something. I'll go ahead and delete that silly thing!" Yeah... Coincidentally, her libido had also picked up around this time, so things seemed to be getting better for us. My wife (in the past) has been very adventurous sexually, until her libido 'off switch' was somehow triggered. I figured this was a good sign, maybe we were getting closer together.
About a week later, I saw from afar that her device had the telltale 'word bubbles' back and forth, and that she was engaged in lots of back and forth typing, when she said she was watching videos, or surfing online. When I looked at her phone messages, nothing out of the ordinary. I was able to look further on her device, and found another similar app. I logged in and viewed several very interesting conversations, photos, and even videos (I didn't have the heart to actually watch the videos, but saw they were of her) being sent to seemingly random guys. . I stayed up all night, and arranged my thoughts into a notepad. In the morning, after I got her some coffee, and gave her some time to wake up, I asked "Are you ready for an awkward conversation?" I started out very simply, asking "What is X app for?" She tried to deflect that this was for researching our recent bedroom forays. I replied "OK, with that in mind...I want you to know I've looked through the messages." She was quiet, and then said something like "OK." My reply, "So, where do we go from here?" I asked her to then open her page on the app, she kept trying to scroll past the embarrassing stuff. I told her that if she was embarrassed for her husband to see, then she should be embarrassed for random strangers to be seeing it as well. After hashing things out, I told her the worst part was the lying. I know she's into things I am not (she has over the past few years come out as bisexual, and is a bit of an exhibitionist). I joked (not funny though) that lately, it seemed like the only thing she wasn't into was her husband.
Trying to salvage things, I told her that if she can be open with me, I can get over some hang-ups that I have had. Part of her thing is that she wants to feel desired, and apparently I am not able to fulfill that role ("You're my husband, you kinda have to!"). I told her I will always love her, and that if this interaction is something that she needs, as long as she is open with me about it, we can try that moving forward. She has deleted all of the 'most embarrassing' things, and we both now are able to view/login to the app. Things that 'do it' for her, don't really do it for me, but if that's what we need to have in our relationship for it to work, I am willing to step outside of my comfort zone.
To put this into maybe more perspective, my parents are divorced, her parents are still together. As a child of divorce, I would do almost anything to spare our kids from going through the emotional trauma that I had to go through. My parents split up because (from as far as I know) they drifted apart, and my mom cheated first emotionally, then physically, with the man she would date for the remainder of my childhood (they are no longer together). I wonder if this is coloring my interpretation of what is happening in my own marriage.
I have asked my wife is she is happy ("Yes, of course!"), if she enjoys the life that we have built together (we have a nice house, in a lovely neighborhood, several pets, two wonderful kids; "Yes, of course!"), and if we can just be for each other, or if I will ever be enough for her (Yes, of course!"). I busted out the "Put yourself in my situation; if you saw I was hiding and sending **** pics to random women, how would that make you feel?" The response did surprise me, she said that honestly, she probably would be ok with it. I've toyed with the idea of creating an account for myself (and letting her know/sharing the login info) for doing just that, to put this theory to the test, but I wouldn't get anything out of it, it's not my kink. Sex with my wife is.
As any typical human does, I've viewed a decent amount of 'adult video' in my life, as has my wife. However, her tastes vary quite a bit from mine (she showed me one of her videos when we were starting to open up again before the infidelity, and it was pretty intense, not something I had done before, or really had an interest in). She joked along the lines of "Oh, it's been SOOOOO LOONG since I've watched Vanilla porn, I forgot!"
After our Big Talk...I've asked some other kind of probing questions..."You mentioned that you messed around when we were broken up that one time...but what really happened?" I try my damnedest not to dwell on the past...but now that we are being open, I have been testing those depths. And, I've found that what I was told at the time was 'nothing' was more than nothing. She has been into less vanilla things for a long time, but mostly in the online dabbling, or in viewing/reading kinky stuff. I told her that when it goes from viewing/reading to doing, and sending photos/videos, that's a whole other thing.
I want to move ahead together, but I still have this sick feeling in the pit of my stomach, and my whole body trembles with frustration and depression at times. This varies to feelings of openness and hopefulness, that maybe we can create a new relationship, full of trust and adventuring together, and leave the past behind. But, I don't know if I can face being betrayed and lied to time after time. One of the notes I typed was "What's going to make this time different?"
Sorry for the wall of text. I need some outside perspective on this. Is our marriage salvageable? Is this relationship salvageable? I would do anything in my power to try, and I would hope she would as well. We are trying to find a marriage counselor that is understanding of the situation's ins and outs (infidelity = bad, but kink = OK together?) but have not gotten any one available yet. The part I struggle with is the sharing. I don't know if she will be happy with only my attention and affection. To me, her attention and affection towards me has been down to a low level for so long, I had stopped trying. I am also working from home currently, taking care of the kids when they are home, and trying to keep the house sanely ordered. I don't feel appreciated, and haven't for a long time. She has recently said along the lines of "I don't deserve you!" and I told her that we deserve each other, that I love her and will always love her. I have tried to be accepting, and have let her know to not feel any shame in what she wants and needs, as long as she gets it (mostly, hopefully) from me.
Let me know what you all think. Thanks in advance.
