Talk About Marriage banner

Status
Not open for further replies.
1 - 6 of 6 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
3 Posts
Discussion Starter #1
Hello!

I wish I had found this site awhile ago. Then again, the pain from an unfaithful spouse doesn't just go away, so I'm glad I found you all now.

My D-Day was May 16, 2012. He 'ended' the affair (in other words, went underground.) D-Day #2 was May 21, 2012. Agreed to talk to him on May 27, 2012. He said he would do anything to save our marriage. D-day #3 was June 7, 2012. Rec'd emergency restraining order (for me) against AP June 8, 2012. We've been in therapy since June, 2012 and are still going.

My concerns/questions:
1. After D-Day #1, our minister came over to try to help us. My DH kept making comments about my weight. I'm on depression drugs and have gained a lot of weight (about 80 lbs.) in the past few years.​

I am working on losing the weight but know he's not sexually attracted to me right now. We are not 'engaging' for the time being (was his choice, now mine.) I am concerned that he will want to be intimate as I lose weight. My thought is that I am the same inside. I am not unclean, immobile, etc. I think that, if he doesn't want me now as I am, I don't want him as I'm thinner. I love him, we are working things out, and we are both trying make this work (and succeeding.) My thought is that his sexual love is conditional and I don't want conditional love. I know I'll be bringing this up in therapy but I wanted to bounce it off of others in my situation. Is my way of thinking wrong?​

2. The restraining order is up next month. On the legal paperwork, the matter is "continued" until next month. I am not asking for legal advice but experiential advice. I want the order extended but don't know the chances I have. The AP hasn't made any contact for the duration of the restraining order but she isn't able to do so. She threatened me and I'm afraid of her. I just plainly don't want her anywhere near me. Do I have a snowball's chance of getting the order extended in your opinion?​

Thank you in advance for your help. I am sorry that this forum is necessary and that we are all here. Then again, I am glad we can all be here for support and help.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,940 Posts
Loging out bu Wanted to point out this bit.
My thought is that his sexual love is conditional and I don't want conditional love. I know I'll be bringing this up in therapy but I wanted to bounce it off of others in my situation. Is my way of thinking wrong?
What's conditional is sexual attraction. It's not love in my book.
You are perfectly in you right to demand him to love you they way you are now. He might love you and still don't feel sexually atracted by you.
I "like" curves. Many others don't.

Hope you get more suited answers soon.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,419 Posts
Hello!

I wish I had found this site awhile ago. Then again, the pain from an unfaithful spouse doesn't just go away, so I'm glad I found you all now.

My D-Day was May 16, 2012. He 'ended' the affair (in other words, went underground.) D-Day #2 was May 21, 2012. Agreed to talk to him on May 27, 2012. He said he would do anything to save our marriage. D-day #3 was June 7, 2012. Rec'd emergency restraining order (for me) against AP June 8, 2012. We've been in therapy since June, 2012 and are still going.

My concerns/questions:
1. After D-Day #1, our minister came over to try to help us. My DH kept making comments about my weight. I'm on depression drugs and have gained a lot of weight (about 80 lbs.) in the past few years.​

I am working on losing the weight but know he's not sexually attracted to me right now. We are not 'engaging' for the time being (was his choice, now mine.) I am concerned that he will want to be intimate as I lose weight. My thought is that I am the same inside. I am not unclean, immobile, etc. I think that, if he doesn't want me now as I am, I don't want him as I'm thinner. I love him, we are working things out, and we are both trying make this work (and succeeding.) My thought is that his sexual love is conditional and I don't want conditional love. I know I'll be bringing this up in therapy but I wanted to bounce it off of others in my situation. Is my way of thinking wrong?​

2. The restraining order is up next month. On the legal paperwork, the matter is "continued" until next month. I am not asking for legal advice but experiential advice. I want the order extended but don't know the chances I have. The AP hasn't made any contact for the duration of the restraining order but she isn't able to do so. She threatened me and I'm afraid of her. I just plainly don't want her anywhere near me. Do I have a snowball's chance of getting the order extended in your opinion?​

Thank you in advance for your help. I am sorry that this forum is necessary and that we are all here. Then again, I am glad we can all be here for support and help.
1. If he really loved you, especially after hurting you, he would do his best to make you feel good about yourself and sexually desired. He would want you to experience sexual pleasure.

However, withholding sex as revenge is not going to give you a better marriage. If you lose weight and he wants to have sex and you deny him, how long does that go on for? Forever? He never will be able to go back in time and right the wrong, so you will be denying him forever.

What you have to do is straighten this thing out now, not make a plan to lose weight and hold it over him. The resentment you feel from his actions now will wind up killling your marriage later.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
5,642 Posts
1. After D-Day #1, our minister came over to try to help us. My DH kept making comments about my weight. I'm on depression drugs and have gained a lot of weight (about 80 lbs.) in the past few years.

I am working on losing the weight but know he's not sexually attracted to me right now. We are not 'engaging' for the time being (was his choice, now mine.) I am concerned that he will want to be intimate as I lose weight. My thought is that I am the same inside. I am not unclean, immobile, etc. I think that, if he doesn't want me now as I am, I don't want him as I'm thinner. I love him, we are working things out, and we are both trying make this work (and succeeding.) My thought is that his sexual love is conditional and I don't want conditional love. I know I'll be bringing this up in therapy but I wanted to bounce it off of others in my situation. Is my way of thinking wrong?
Well, here's my own personal opinion. I have underlined his thoughts as you told us (he's not here so we can't tell if that's really what he thinks), and I have made your own thoughts bold. The condition he has/had was that he would be sexually attracted to you relating to your appearance, specifically weight. The condition you have admitted to having right now, currently, is that if he isn't sexually attracted to you no matter HOW you look, then you will withhold his only legitimate and moral option to express his sexuality.

Which condition is "better"? or more moral? (shrug) Personally, I say stop living under the idea that "his" condition is barbaric, but your condition--and equivocating sexual attraction with withholding love--is acceptable. I'm not defending the guy, but when a lady were to go from say 130lbs to 210lbs...that can visually be quite a difference and might disrupt some initial chemistry. Now everyone ages, and bodies change with the years and with childbirth, so I'm not saying you have to stay like a 20yo, BUT it seems to me as I've gotten older and gained some weight, I then balance that PHYSICAL change with some EMOTIONAL changes like being a closer companion, laughing with him, enjoying HIM....and with some MENTAL changes like challenging his mind, learning things together, reading together. The point is that a guy possibly could get past the physical/chemistry "condition" if other loving "conditions" increase proportionally. But to think there will be no "conditions"...well that's unrealistic.

2. The restraining order is up next month. On the legal paperwork, the matter is "continued" until next month. I am not asking for legal advice but experiential advice. I want the order extended but don't know the chances I have. The AP hasn't made any contact for the duration of the restraining order but she isn't able to do so. She threatened me and I'm afraid of her. I just plainly don't want her anywhere near me. Do I have a snowball's chance of getting the order extended in your opinion?
I say go for the extension. If you have additional evidence that's cool, but if not just indicate she threatened you and your family and that you're still afraid of the damage she can do. It can't hurt to try! I'd say you have at least a 50/50 chance and probably better than that!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3 Posts
Discussion Starter #5
What you have to do is straighten this thing out now, not make a plan to lose weight and hold it over him. The resentment you feel from his actions now will wind up killling your marriage later.

You are absolutely correct. I am losing weight and getting toned, it's not just a plan. It is also something I am doing for ME because I have been so uncomfortable in my own skin.

I don't know if this is a difference between women and men, but if he gained a comparable amount of weight, I don't believe that it would affect my sexual attraction to him. I love WHO he is inside and that is who I am attracted to. He's very atheletic but still isn't at his ideal weight or body fat. As a cyclist, he rides about 50 miles 4-5 days per week. He's not what I would call 'overweight' by any means but the doctor said he needs to lose about 20lbs. to be at his ideal weight.

I don't know that I am trying to "punish" him. I just think that, if he TRULY loves me, he will love me in EVERY way a man loves a woman regardless of my current weight. I do understand the difference between love and sexual attraction. However, to me, that is the difference between a dear friend and a spouse. I don't want a roommate- I have a dog.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3 Posts
Discussion Starter #6
BTW, in therapy, he said he's very open to physical intimacy because I've broached the topic many times and have been very open that I only want a FULL marriage. When it comes down to BEING intimate, though, he's not interested. I have learned that the only way I trust or believe him now is if his actions match his words. Alone, his words mean NOTHING because of the three times he went back to his AP after assuring me that it was 'over.'

The only reason I decided that I don't want to engage in physical intimacy is because I am so hurt by his constant rejection. He is affectionate, but in a totally non-sexual way. By saying (in therapy and) out loud that it's my choice I feel like I have some control over what is happening (or isn't in this case.) When he said (in therapy) that he was open to it and then would not initiate anything, I tried to do so (I tend to have a high sex drive.) I was rebuffed each and every time.

With the weight gain, I do look different (in a bad way, IMO.) Who I am inside isn't different. I am also very afraid that if he isn't engaging with me, he'll go somewhere else again.

I am REALLY trying to trust. Some days are better than others. We have a superlative therapist and we are making progress. I liken this journey to having to find an excellent Sherpa and climbing Mt. Everest together. Sometimes we slip, but as long as we pull each other up and keep going, we'll slowly but surely get to the top. I just want to be climbing with a FULL partner who loves me in EVERY way a man loves a woman; not with someone who is just a 'tent-mate.'
 
1 - 6 of 6 Posts
Status
Not open for further replies.
Top