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I originally stuck this in another thread today, but decided I wanted to bare my soul with my own thread. This site has been so helpful over the last 6 months for me. I have been reading and learning from all of you, and feel like it is time I shared my story as well. After all, all take and no give makes for a pretty selfish man. So if anyone can find advice, solace or even just a chuckle out of this thread I am happy.
As a set up, my wife and I are in full R mode and making solid progress. D-Day was a year ago. Like some others, I did not find this site until more than 6 months post D-Day. So it was not really a resource for me when it would have been the most valuable. But to be honest, not sure I would have used it as I wasn't really ready to share at the time. So here goes . . . .
Chapter 1: Us - The easy part.
My wife and I met the second day on campus in college. Started dating, both assumed it would just be our first college relationship. Four years later, we graduated still very much in love and very much together. We were two peas in a pod.
We took our time after graduation, neither wanted to rush into engagement and marriage as so much of our adult lives were still coming together. We knew were really young, and we were focused on starting careers and figuring out what we wanted to do and who we wanted to be in life. But we were still in love, dating exclusively and talking about the future. We just didn't want to rush things.
Three years later, I proposed and we were engaged. We bought a townhouse together and starting prepping for the wedding and officially building our lives together. It was great, and our families and friends were thrilled. All was perfect. We got married on the 8th anniversary of when we started dating.
The first couple of years were really good. Because we had been so close for so long, but never lived together etc (both come from strict Catholic families) it was really a time full of fun, laughter and happiness. She worked for a major airline (marketing side), so we used her benefits to travel all over the world together, footloose and fancy free!
The only downside was she seemed to be losing interest in the bedroom department. In college, our sex life was quite active and fun. We had been each other's first and spent all 4 years of college exploring each other and learning what the other (and ourselves) liked or didn't. But things had slowed down in the year or so after our marriage. Sex became less frequent, and she seemed less interested. It got to the point where we were being intimate once every few months, and I wasn't comfortable with it.
I would try to initiate, she would shoot me down with a "not in the mood, have a headache" etc. When I tried to bring it up as an issue I wanted to talk about, she would get very uncomfortable, cry and talk about feeling "broken". She would say she wasn't sure why, sex just didn't really interest her anymore.
If I pushed further, she would cry more, pull away emotionally and get angry. This cycle happened several times in the third year of our marriage. I proposed MC, IC, sexual therapist etc. Asked about her getting tested for proper hormone levels etc. This conversation would yield the same results of crying, emotional detachment and anger.
I struggled with this during that third year of our marriage. I had needs that weren't being met, and couldn't get her to commit to finding a solution. I thought I had a decision to make, stay in an otherwise really healthy and strong marriage and accept that sex will not be a regular part of it or make the decision that sex is critical and move on (i.e. D). I chose to stay and honor the commitment we had made to each other. I convinced myself sex wasn't that important, and relished in the fact that the rest of our marriage was so good.
Unfortunately, I did not identify the third (and correct) option: clearly define my needs and expectations and issue an ultimatum that we either needed to work together to fix the issues or we need to accept that the marriage is not working and move on. In my head, I had tried to push the topic and had hit a dead end. I did not understand that I needed to be more Alpha and force action one way or the other.
Anyway, with my decision made we continued on. We continued to have a lot fun, enjoying life and building our careers. In hindsight, we were sliding down the slippery slope of becoming roommates.
And yes, I know you all see this coming a mile away (as I do reflecting back). But remember, we are all here because there was a time when we too were ignorant to the harsh reality of the world.
As a set up, my wife and I are in full R mode and making solid progress. D-Day was a year ago. Like some others, I did not find this site until more than 6 months post D-Day. So it was not really a resource for me when it would have been the most valuable. But to be honest, not sure I would have used it as I wasn't really ready to share at the time. So here goes . . . .
Chapter 1: Us - The easy part.
My wife and I met the second day on campus in college. Started dating, both assumed it would just be our first college relationship. Four years later, we graduated still very much in love and very much together. We were two peas in a pod.
We took our time after graduation, neither wanted to rush into engagement and marriage as so much of our adult lives were still coming together. We knew were really young, and we were focused on starting careers and figuring out what we wanted to do and who we wanted to be in life. But we were still in love, dating exclusively and talking about the future. We just didn't want to rush things.
Three years later, I proposed and we were engaged. We bought a townhouse together and starting prepping for the wedding and officially building our lives together. It was great, and our families and friends were thrilled. All was perfect. We got married on the 8th anniversary of when we started dating.
The first couple of years were really good. Because we had been so close for so long, but never lived together etc (both come from strict Catholic families) it was really a time full of fun, laughter and happiness. She worked for a major airline (marketing side), so we used her benefits to travel all over the world together, footloose and fancy free!
The only downside was she seemed to be losing interest in the bedroom department. In college, our sex life was quite active and fun. We had been each other's first and spent all 4 years of college exploring each other and learning what the other (and ourselves) liked or didn't. But things had slowed down in the year or so after our marriage. Sex became less frequent, and she seemed less interested. It got to the point where we were being intimate once every few months, and I wasn't comfortable with it.
I would try to initiate, she would shoot me down with a "not in the mood, have a headache" etc. When I tried to bring it up as an issue I wanted to talk about, she would get very uncomfortable, cry and talk about feeling "broken". She would say she wasn't sure why, sex just didn't really interest her anymore.
If I pushed further, she would cry more, pull away emotionally and get angry. This cycle happened several times in the third year of our marriage. I proposed MC, IC, sexual therapist etc. Asked about her getting tested for proper hormone levels etc. This conversation would yield the same results of crying, emotional detachment and anger.
I struggled with this during that third year of our marriage. I had needs that weren't being met, and couldn't get her to commit to finding a solution. I thought I had a decision to make, stay in an otherwise really healthy and strong marriage and accept that sex will not be a regular part of it or make the decision that sex is critical and move on (i.e. D). I chose to stay and honor the commitment we had made to each other. I convinced myself sex wasn't that important, and relished in the fact that the rest of our marriage was so good.
Unfortunately, I did not identify the third (and correct) option: clearly define my needs and expectations and issue an ultimatum that we either needed to work together to fix the issues or we need to accept that the marriage is not working and move on. In my head, I had tried to push the topic and had hit a dead end. I did not understand that I needed to be more Alpha and force action one way or the other.
Anyway, with my decision made we continued on. We continued to have a lot fun, enjoying life and building our careers. In hindsight, we were sliding down the slippery slope of becoming roommates.
And yes, I know you all see this coming a mile away (as I do reflecting back). But remember, we are all here because there was a time when we too were ignorant to the harsh reality of the world.