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The one thing you are not telling us is whether you think you still love her. My sense from what you write is that you do. If so, you are finally facing the reality that this is a hopeless love. It surely is. She will never give back to you what you want her to. This is a hard pill to swallow when your heart has been so engaged.

But, you know? You still have a long life ahead. Your tragic feelings here will fade. You can and will move on. (My H and I are celebrating our 32nd anniversary tonight. It's been a hard slog sometimes, but I was still a young thing at our 18th - you have a long life to live!)

Ask yourself where you want to be in 5 years. Ask if things would look any different with her than they are now. Then, take a deep, cleansing breath and accept that you sometimes just have to live with a tragic truth. You just live and cope. You'll survive if you divorce. You'll be happier without her. I think we all see that.
 

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Discussion Starter #42
Spousal unit has detected a threat to her comfortable lifestyle and has engaged in the operation "Charm and Affection"(not to be confused with "Shock and Awe").

To support Operation Charm and Affection, Operations "Me", "Spend", "Other Men", and "Cold Shoulder" have been suspended - temporarily. However, Special Ops forces will continue with Operation "Manipulation" and in fact will support operation Charm and Affection directly.

What I hate to admit is that this feels good. And not just in the sense of empowerment and control you from assuming the upper hand, but that I truly have always wanted her to want me.
The problem is, as my satire suggests, is I have no earthy idea how much is of this 'real' and how much is smoke and mirrors. It is not that I question her feelings and I think, in her own way she does love and care for me, but I have no idea how I would come to a place where I believe she would be trustworthy of my future and my emotions again.

I have no reason to believe she would not do it all over again as soon as there is a boring few months of marriage and she sees something exciting to run to.
 

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Spousal unit has detected a threat to her comfortable lifestyle and has engaged in the operation "Charm and Affection"(not to be confused with "Shock and Awe").

To support Operation Charm and Affection, Operations "Me", "Spend", "Other Men", and "Cold Shoulder" have been suspended - temporarily. However, Special Ops forces will continue with Operation "Manipulation" and in fact will support operation Charm and Affection directly.

What I hate to admit is that this feels good. And not just in the sense of empowerment and control you from assuming the upper hand, but that I truly have always wanted her to want me.
The problem is, as my satire suggests, is I have no earthy idea how much is of this 'real' and how much is smoke and mirrors. It is not that I question her feelings and I think, in her own way she does love and care for me, but I have no idea how I would come to a place where I believe she would be trustworthy of my future and my emotions again.

I have no reason to believe she would not do it all over again as soon as there is a boring few months of marriage and she sees something exciting to run to.
What's the plan here, man?

What's keeping you dancing in and out of this game?

There's only one person getting something out of it, and it isn't you.
 

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Discussion Starter #44
What's the plan here, man?

What's keeping you dancing in and out of this game?

There's only one person getting something out of it, and it isn't you.
I was going to tell her that I decided on divorce tomorrow, but I a few reasons to put this off a week related to what is going on in both of our lives. That said I pretty far on the process I have seen a lawyer and have a detailed plan/strategy, just need to run a few errands and then tell her.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/going-through-divorce-separation/263466-starting.html

I use my threads as a sort of blog. One on the divorce and this one to reflect on dealing with the infidelity even as this while thing wraps up. I have not told any of my friends and family so if I need to get something out, here is where I do it. I have an appt for IC also.
 

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I push for MC/IC--she refused, but we do start having sex again, first in a year, but I can't help feel like she still has no interest in it, despite apparently actually enjoying it. She can't seem to help asking for favors and "permission" to buy clothes, shoes, ect... during foreplay even through I have told her how bizarre and horrible I think this is.
This validates that she is in your marriage for the materialistic things that you afford her. End your charade. You've stayed too long.
 

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I was going to tell her that I decided on divorce tomorrow, but I a few reasons to put this off a week related to what is going on in both of our lives. That said I pretty far on the process I have seen a lawyer and have a detailed plan/strategy, just need to run a few errands and then tell her.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/going-through-divorce-separation/263466-starting.html

I use my threads as a sort of blog. One on the divorce and this one to reflect on dealing with the infidelity even as this while thing wraps up. I have not told any of my friends and family so if I need to get something out, here is where I do it. I have an appt for IC also.
There will always be a reason it's inconvenient.

Especially if she's on to your plan. If she is, she may make inconvenience a lifestyle.

Set a date. Let your close friends and family know say 24 hours prior to that date.

Have a plan to say what you're going to say with zero ambiguity. "Wife, you've made no attempt to reconcile after multiple affairs. Even if you wanted to reconcile now, I don't. I'm done with you and this marriage."

And then be done. Go dark for at least a couple weeks. Have a place to go. Have everything sorted with the lawyer before you pull the pin.

And when I say go dark, I mean pitchest of black dark. If it doesn't have something to do with the D, it gets zero response.

Filter stuff through friends and family if you must.
 

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I was going to tell her that I decided on divorce tomorrow, but I a few reasons to put this off a week related to what is going on in both of our lives. That said I pretty far on the process I have seen a lawyer and have a detailed plan/strategy, just need to run a few errands and then tell her........... I have an appt for IC also.
I believe that most relationships can be fixed, if both parties work to fix the problem. However, her refusal to go to counseling to work on the issues makes fixing the relationship nearly impossible. I don't know that counseling would help you to forgive and repair the relationship, but at least you two would have given it your best efforts. Additionally, forcing her to attend based on fear of divorce is rarely successful, since they are only attending because you made them.

I think you are on the right path now and that is to no longer wait on her and take the bull by the horns. Get into individual counseling for you, which is necessary for your health regardless of what she does one way or the other. Also start the divorce process and as soon as is prudent I would physically separate and create a new norm for each of you. Divorce usually take several months and this may allow time for her to reflect on events and have a change of heart. If she truly wants to save the relationship then let her come to you to address the issues in the marriage. If not then......C'est la vie. Best wishes to you and your family.
 
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