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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
We have been married for over 23 years and 2 wonderful children, 1 drunken night 5 years ago I asked my wife for anal sex and we attempted it - WRONG!

Since then our sex life has dropped from once per month to once every 2/3 months.

6 weeks ago there has been a strain on our marriage and we sat down to talk and I mentioned that I would like to try anal sex and that she had FULL control - NO CHANCE was the reply, but she is insistent that we have vaginal sex (once every couple of months).

Since then our relationship is none existent with no touching as she feels that "leads me on". She wants me to guarantee that I will be faithful (which I have been for the past 23 years).

I now feel that one night 5 years ago is ruining our lives and marriage.

I try talking to her about anal sex and she then asks if I am gay- I do not know what to do and I am considering leaving after 23 years, but I do not want to through it all away.

Any suggestions...
 

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This all seems to be centred around the desire for anal sex. She is still communicating with you but you haven't said whether there's been any exchange of feelings behind desiring this form of sex. She is clearly uncomfortable with it, and by you insisting that she allow it then you're making it very hard for her to be comfortable with you at all.

You have a long-standing faithful marriage. The trust you have is very important. But now you need to communicate your feelings and desires effectively, and listen to her own, as well as be sensitive to her own needs and desires. Hope this helps.
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Once a month is pretty low to begin with, so I am surmising that yor W isn't exactly a big fan of sex. Sounds to me as if the anal attempt was just the excuse she was looking for to bang even less.

Your bigger issue should be upping the frequency. Now she can get away with ignoring your needs for months at a clip. Anal? Just get back to the vanilla sex at a good once or twice a week even before that subject reimurges.
 

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Discussion Starter · #4 ·
I have tried to discuss it at length but she will not...any pointers in communicate my feelings and desires effectively.

:(

This all seems to be centred around the desire for anal sex. She is still communicating with you but you haven't said whether there's been any exchange of feelings behind desiring this form of sex. She is clearly uncomfortable with it, and by you insisting that she allow it then you're making it very hard for her to be comfortable with you at all.

You have a long-standing faithful marriage. The trust you have is very important. But now you need to communicate your feelings and desires effectively, and listen to her own, as well as be sensitive to her own needs and desires. Hope this helps.
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Since then our relationship is none existent with no touching as she feels that "leads me on". She wants me to guarantee that I will be faithful (which I have been for the past 23 years).
I really don't get this type of logic. How can someone put so much emphasis on the fidelity of the relationship when they're obviously putting almost zero effort in trying to satisfy their partner? I'm not advocating that withholding sex is a valid excuse for cheating but they're sure as hell signing up for disaster when they continuously withhold intimacy.
 

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I just love women like this. They want you to remain faithful while they don't have sex. Crazy.

Look she was just looking for an excuse to end the sex all together. That's all this was.
 

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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
There are other things too, as we moved 3 years ago to do a barn conversion that went wrong - still doing it should be completed by next April.

I set up a new business that is extremely successful (work around 70 hours per week), wife has been depressed for the past 18 months, but I have been supportive EVERY time. I have put all the money into the build myself.

So there are other factors, not making excuses for her. Our sex life before children was excellent but we do not have the opportunity and now with my A issue things are unbearable.

Last night I was awake all night thinking of what to do...


Once a month is pretty low to begin with, so I am surmising that yor W isn't exactly a big fan of sex. Sounds to me as if the anal attempt was just the excuse she was looking for to bang even less.

Your bigger issue should be upping the frequency. Now she can get away with ignoring your needs for months at a clip. Anal? Just get back to the vanilla sex at a good once or twice a week even before that subject reimurges.
 

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I'm guessing you wife has some resentment here. I can account for 3 of the 5 years where your wife may have developed resentment: a 3 year barn conversion project that maybe you suggested and she went along with reluctantly? Now a successful business that takes every moment of your spare time. Think back and see if there was something else around 5 years ago where you may have gotten your way on something that she was against but caved in on?

That's my guess - resentment over choices that you made that she gave in on. Unless of course there is more to the story.
 

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I have tried to discuss it at length but she will not...any pointers in communicate my feelings and desires effectively.

:(
if you are talking about communicating your feelings and desires for anal sex... don't. You already struck out on that one.

If you mean your feelings and desires about sex in the marriage, try:

"Honey, as much as I love you, and I do, an intimate, fulfilling sexual relationship is necessary to make this marriage work. It is a need that I have and I'm not going to apologize for having that need.

"Your needs are being met. If we can't get back on track regarding our sexual relationship, I can't meet your needs and if I can't do that, this marriage is over. I won't live like your roommate."

HOWEVER, as others suggested there is more to this that a five-year old request for anal sex. Better figure out what it is and make sure you ARE meeting her needs before starting this discussion.
 

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I just went through this anal request with my wife.
I told her I had a desire to do her anally. She said NO WAY. I respect that and will never bring it up again.
She said that fantasy will remain a fantasy, and I respect her enough to accept that.
I am left with only thinking about anal while masturbating...I must accept that this is all I will ever know of it.
If you love and respect your wife, you should do as I have done. Otherwise you'll be lucky to ever see PIV again.
 

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We have been married for over 23 years and 2 wonderful children, 1 drunken night 5 years ago I asked my wife for anal sex and we attempted it - WRONG!

Since then our sex life has dropped from once per month to once every 2/3 months.

6 weeks ago there has been a strain on our marriage and we sat down to talk and I mentioned that I would like to try anal sex and that she had FULL control - NO CHANCE was the reply, but she is insistent that we have vaginal sex (once every couple of months).

Since then our relationship is none existent with no touching as she feels that "leads me on". She wants me to guarantee that I will be faithful (which I have been for the past 23 years).

I now feel that one night 5 years ago is ruining our lives and marriage.

I try talking to her about anal sex and she then asks if I am gay- I do not know what to do and I am considering leaving after 23 years, but I do not want to through it all away.

Any suggestions...
I'm unclear on something. You say you used to have sex once a month, and now that you are down to once every 2/3 months that it is ruined?

Were you actually happy with once a month, because most guys aren't.

Frankly, I see this issue about anal as an excuse for lower the frequency and I suspect she wasn't even into sex before hand when it was once a month. This issue with anal is just a reason to avoid sex even further.

From what I gather, the two of your agreed to try it (so no forced action) it went wrong, game over. It's fine if she doesn't want to try anal again, but to go five years of essentially four to six times a year of sex as a result of this is just wrong. Either she needs to get some conselling on this issue or she's just found a way to get out of sex with you.

Additionally, I find it odd she is asking if you're faithful. Unless you've given her cause to question this (it seems you haven't though) then she has no reason to ask this. Frankly it gives me a red flag, as one sign of a cheating spouse is they will often ask if you are being faithful. Asking if you're faithful and very little interest in sex with you would cause me to start investigating if she's getting it on elsewhere.
 

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What happened that night OP?
What was 'WRONG'?

There is more to this story I'm 100% sure.
Something happened that night that flicked a switch in her head.

Why did every start to change after that drunken nights attempt at anal... what was 'WRONG'??
 

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There are definitely MANY other layers of issues that you need to peel through before you even worry about anal.

In regards to the anal thing....DROP IT. Don't ever mention it again. Your wife can't stand it so you need to let it go. That won't change on her end. Some women like it, most dont but NONE "learn to like it".

My wife used to enjoy anal in previous relationships (before me). We tried it and she mildly enjoyed me just inserting. She couldn't handle me moving. I'm not long but I'm girthy. It wasn't enjoyable for her. We'll use toys there, but not me. And I'm 100% fine with it. It's not an issue of her being more "open" to previous lovers, it's 100% based on what's actually enjoyable. I'm not going to get a thrill when I know she's not loving it.
 

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Only having any kind of sex once per month is close enough to the two of you being merely roommates that I can't see how skipping a month would make any difference.
Given my past experience, I would be investigating the possibility of her getting more, elsewhere.
 

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I have tried to discuss it at length but she will not...any pointers in communicate my feelings and desires effectively.

:(
I'm sorry but this whole thread is confusing. You said you tried to discuss IT at length.....what was it you tried to discuss? The idea of having anal sex or the fact that you are only getting sex once every few months?
Like a couple of others, I'm not sure exactly what you are saying your problem is. If it is the lack of anal sex, drop it. Its done. Its over. It ain't gonna happen. At least not now. If it is the lack of sex in general, then that is another matter that you need to discuss directly with your wife. I find it hard to believe that one night of a bad anal experience would all of a sudden shoot your wife's libido down. You need to have more discussions with your wife to get to the bottom of your issues.
 
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