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Discussion Starter · #21 · (Edited)
Honestly, you share many interests but you live an hour and a half away.

That makes you 'GU' - Geographically Unacceptable.

He's not putting a lot of energy into pursuing you seriously probably because you live too far away. You had to reach out to him first, you had to come to his town in order for you two to even get together, and it's been you doing most of the contact and making all the effort.

He never makes an effort to come to your town just to see you, does he? But he'll tell you to "stop by" where HE works to 'play music.' The only time you've seen him is when YOU have made the effort to go to where he lives. Hell, it was the least he could have done when he bought you dinner on your date since you traveled that far to see him, so don't be too impressed that he paid for dinner. If I had to travel for an hour and a half to meet some guy and then he also expected me to split the dinner bill on TOP of that, that would have been the end of it right then and there. And honestly, introducing you to his friends at a party after you left the restaurant is hardly the same as if he took you to meet his parents - it was a perfect type of place to hang out after dinner and to be social and have fun - and the drinks were free. If you're attractive, they like taking you around their friends because it makes them look good and being with others is a great buffer zone, to be honest. But if you look like Frankenstein's bride, they won't bring you out in the sunlight and embarrass themselves, so it's not that big a deal that he took you to a friend's party. It's pretty simple but it honestly doesn't mean much at all.

People say things in the heat of the moment and that's why he was talking about 'future' things with you. The reality is that if you continue to be the one to make all the effort and do all the traveling to his town or YOU go to where he works, he'd probably love to do everything he talked about doing. But if you leave it up to HIM to be the one to think it, plan it, come to you and make it happen, then you have a better chance of shaking hands with Jesus.

I agree with the others, stop contacting him and being the only one to make things happen. But don't be surprised when he eventually disappears.

I'm just being realistic.
I totally agree! But it’s worth mentioning that I asked to see him about 15 days ago because I was already coming to his town for my friend’s party. Honestly I’d never drive that far just for a first date. This past Friday was the date. On Monday I sent the “Wordle” text, and today is Wednesday. So maybe it’s too early to say that he isn’t coming here to see me?
He did mention when we were saying goodbye that he was going to let me know soon when he was in my town because he will come here before the show. Because we live kinda of far away then maybe the best option is to try to see each other when we have business in each other’s towns at least in the beginning? He just moved out of my town also and is still dealing with moving stuff. So idk. But I still think that my gut feeling is right idk
 

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Discussion Starter · #22 ·
Yeah tbh I think it isn’t productive trying to guess what he is thinking and I’ll just go ahead and keep living my life and if he reaches out then great, if not… oh well ✌
thank you all for your input and getting what I mean. My friends were all telling me I was overthinking and that he was so into me.
 

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When we first started dating my wife and I lived over 500 miles apart. She lived near my parents but that was still 50 miles away. I was visiting my parents for Thanksgiving and we had 3 dates in 6 days. I made the 500 mile drive to go see her several times a month. The point being I was into her and I put in a lot of effort to see her. That was nearly 12 years ago and we are going strong.
 

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Totally agree. He is also an entertainer I assume. This means he is like 99% or so a narcissitic type of person.
And you did mention , you're very social and you got along with everyone... why is that important to get along with everyone????
This is not a question to be answered. It is just an indicator, that you are a bit narcissitic yourself and therefore voulnerable to fall for natcissists....

What I learned is, if a man doesn't approach you or does nothing to get to know you after you did, he'll also want put any effort in your relationship.
He just proves your not worth it to him. He is busy with something more important in his life and on his mind (his career, friends, his mum...) and he isn't mature enough for a proper relationship. And immaturaty correlates with narcissism...
It’s already been said but this post is absolute nonsense. There are many phrases that get overused and narcissist is one of them. We are all ego driven, that doesn’t mean we all meet the diagnostic criteria for narcissistic personality disorder. While we are at it let’s stop misusing the word gaslighting as well.
 

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I agree. He isn’t playing around though. That show was small and this one he’ll play in my town will be the second one and also for friends and friends of friends. So he’s not that busy with shows.

i agree though that I need to backoff. I’m also trying to figure if he’s just not that good at texting because he’s was so attentive, initiated most of things, didn’t let me pay for anything, introduced me to his friends and roommates, was respectful and sent a sweet text after the date. That’s a huge contrast to how I feel like he’s acting now. But at the same time, I might had not given him space yet to initiate conversations? I fell in my guts that he won’t text or maybe it’s just my anxious attachment telling me this.

one thing worth mentioning though is that we met on Friday, and on Saturday I was going to have a party with my friends. He asked about the party a few times and it felt like he wanted to be invited. I kinda feel like he was a bit disappointed that i didn’t invite him. Later on i realized that I forgot to mention that it was a girls night out kind of party.

He also kept mentioning for me to stop by his job on Saturday to play music together (he works in a music store). I never told him I’d stop by and I didn’t.
Listen, one thing you mentioned is that he wanted to kiss you, but didn't.

There ARE guys that get shy. Especially younger-- when I was in my 20s I was pretty terrible at pursuing even someone I really liked.

It won't hurt you to text and tell him your thoughts. He may be more into you than you think, or maybe you are just one of multiple girls he is in contact with and sometimes dating. But he didn't even try to get sexual enough to kiss you so I am not sold that he is just trying to get laid.

I think you just know too little about what he thinks about you. It could go either way at this point.
 

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Well he just text me asking if I’m a phone call kind of person. I texted him that I like it better than texting. Then he asked if he can call me tonight and that he’s glad we are on the same page (about phone calls). Well it might be a good thing, but idk 🤷‍♀️
Well sounds like he likes you. He reached out and intends to call.
 

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Well he just text me asking if I’m a phone call kind of person. I texted him that I like it better than texting. Then he asked if he can call me tonight and that he’s glad we are on the same page (about phone calls). Well it might be a good thing, but idk 🤷‍♀️
Have you spoken on the phone yet? Hopefully you are getting some clarity around where you stand with each other.
 

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Discussion Starter · #30 ·
Have you spoken on the phone yet? Hopefully you are getting some clarity around where you stand with each other.
Yeah he never called. I’ll take it as disinterest and move on.

You know what I don’t get? I’ve been single for 3 years now after a long relationship (6 years). I honestly get interested usually in one or two guys a year. There are a bunch of them that ask me out but I’m just not interested in them so I say no. Since the break up I dated one for three months (in 2020) and I really like him but he was still in love with his ex, so we broke up. In 2021 dated a guy for three months also who was still in love with his ex, so we broke up again. Luckily this time I didn’t like this one that much so it didn’t hurt too much. Then I decided to be single and work on myself and I did that for 9 months until I was finally ready to date again and that’s when I met this new guy. He’s the man of my dreams. Seriously we have so much in common, we have the same vibe. I can’t stress enough how awesome he was during the date and I really didn’t see that coming. I honestly had no idea that he was going to stop talking to me. I know you might say “oh maybe you did something odd during the date” but I swear that nothing odd happened. We were in sinc!

I am sad not because of him specifically, but because every time I try I fail. I just want to have a special person because I’m lonely but seems like life doesn’t want to bring me that. I don’t know what’s wrong and what to fix. I’m so tired and so hurt.
 

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Yeah he never called. I’ll take it as disinterest and move on.

You know what I don’t get? I’ve been single for 3 years now after a long relationship (6 years). I honestly get interested usually in one or two guys a year. There are a bunch of them that ask me out but I’m just not interested in them so I say no. Since the break up I dated one for three months (in 2020) and I really like him but he was still in love with his ex, so we broke up. In 2021 dated a guy for three months also who was still in love with his ex, so we broke up again. Luckily this time I didn’t like this one that much so it didn’t hurt too much. Then I decided to be single and work on myself and I did that for 9 months until I was finally ready to date again and that’s when I met this new guy. He’s the man of my dreams. Seriously we have so much in common, we have the same vibe. I can’t stress enough how awesome he was during the date and I really didn’t see that coming. I honestly had no idea that he was going to stop talking to me. I know you might say “oh maybe you did something odd during the date” but I swear that nothing odd happened. We were in sinc!

I am sad not because of him specifically, but because every time I try I fail. I just want to have a special person because I’m lonely but seems like life doesn’t want to bring me that. I don’t know what’s wrong and what to fix. I’m so tired and so hurt.
Yeah hopefully you can move on emotionally from the kind of attachment that formed. If he hints about calling you and doesnt follow through, I could see a lot of disappointment in the future. Honestly, if he reaches out now....that might not be the best thing because he may not be as invested as you are. Sounds like he likes you but not totally concerned with your feelings.
 

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Discussion Starter · #32 ·
Yeah hopefully you can move on emotionally from the kind of attachment that formed. If he hints about calling you and doesnt follow through, I could see a lot of disappointment in the future. Honestly, if he reaches out now....that might not be the best thing because he may not be as invested as you are. Sounds like he likes you but not totally concerned with your feelings.
Yeah I’m trying to mentally check out of this. After so long being lonely having a date like this really gave me hope. But I’ll try to forget and pretend that this never happened, we never bonded, we don’t even know each other. I already deleted the texts so I won’t keep reading it. But every time things like this happen I believe less and less that I will find someone special one day :/
 

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Discussion Starter · #33 ·
Guys should I text him that I had a great time with him and to let me know if he ever wants to hang out again when he’s in my town? Or is it a bad idea?
Is that chasing?

he never really made a first move (except during the date)
 

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Yeah tbh I think it isn’t productive trying to guess what he is thinking and I’ll just go ahead and keep living my life and if he reaches out then great, if not… oh well ✌
thank you all for your input and getting what I mean. My friends were all telling me I was overthinking and that he was so into me.
To answer your most recent question, read the first sentence you wrote above :)

Also, I can't help but wonder if there's a generational (cultural) difference occurring between what your friends are telling you and some of what you are receiving here. Some of the nuances that I perceived when reading what you shared may also come down to personality types and styles and who we are drawn to.

A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away, when I was single and dating, it was the more 'assertive' guys (among other characteristics) that piqued my interest. And so I share that to give insight that from my view, if he doesn't really step up and demonstrate his interest towards you then so be it and move on. I'm in the camp of not to 'chase' him, as I know that (again, for me, and may not apply to you) when I was more the 'assertive' one towards a guy and there was shared chemistry, well, that interest from my side then also quickly fizzled by the time he'd caught up. It was unintentional, yet something I noticed about myself. If he was into me, I needed him to be confident enough within himself to show it and if I felt the same way then I'd certainly reciprocate. And, that's how my husband was when we met too (and still is).

Therefore, reading what you shared so far, it does seem that you have perhaps taken more of the lead. Compared to if he had initially contacted you after meeting. If he prefers to speak on the phone then to have initiated calling you from the get-go (and not first checking how you are about phone calls) and figuring out if that's workable between you then. Anyway, it's a few things like that I noticed in your posts that may be good with you, yet likely wouldn't work for me personality-wise. I noticed that you shared more about the party that he took you to rather than the alone time over dinner and/or jamming together at the studio after the party (did sound like quite a long and good date). Granted, I did also think if you were really digging each others company, he would have made effort to keep that going just between the two of you, rather than taking you to the party (although debatable of how one sees that and depending on the occasion and his commitment to being there too). I'd not be holding my breath or reaching out. However, do give room that something genuine may have come up that prevented him from calling as he'd planned. Beyond that, don't fixate on this one. Just do your thing... drumming sounds fun.
 
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Discussion Starter · #36 ·
To answer your most recent question, read the first sentence you wrote above :)

Also, I can't help but wonder if there's a generational (cultural) difference occurring between what your friends are telling you and some of what you are receiving here. Some of the nuances that I perceived when reading what you shared may also come down to personality types and styles and who we are drawn to.

A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away, when I was single and dating, it was the more 'assertive' guys (among other characteristics) that piqued my interest. And so I share that to give insight that from my view, if he doesn't really step up and demonstrate his interest towards you then so be it and move on. I'm in the camp of not to 'chase' him, as I know that (again, for me, and may not apply to you) when I was more the 'assertive' one towards a guy and there was shared chemistry, well, that interest from my side then also quickly fizzled by the time he'd caught up. It was unintentional, yet something I noticed about myself. If he was into me, I needed him to be confident enough within himself to show it and if I felt the same way then I'd certainly reciprocate. And, that's how my husband was when we met too (and still is).

Therefore, reading what you shared so far, it does seem that you have perhaps taken more of the lead. Compared to if he had initially contacted you after meeting. If he prefers to speak on the phone then to have initiated calling you from the get-go (and not first checking how you are about phone calls) and figuring out if that's workable between you then. Anyway, it's a few things like that I noticed in your posts that may be good with you, yet likely wouldn't work for me personality-wise. I noticed that you shared more about the party that he took you to rather than the alone time over dinner and/or jamming together at the studio after the party (did sound like quite a long and good date). Granted, I did also think if you were really digging each others company, he would have made effort to keep that going just between the two of you, rather than taking you to the party (although debatable of how one sees that and depending on the occasion and his commitment to being there too). I'd not be holding my breath or reaching out. However, do give room that something genuine may have come up that prevented him from calling as he'd planned. Beyond that, don't fixate on this one. Just do your thing... drumming sounds fun.
Wow that provided me with a lot of food for thought. But just a quick comment, the date was almost 5 hours. And we only stayed at the party for 2ish. I think it was well balanced and we had fun with his friends or not.
But that doesn’t matter really because I think you’re and the others are right. It’s just that the fact that he wasn’t sure if I wanted to be kissed makes me think that maybe he isn’t sure if I’m into him, but it makes no sense since I approached him, I also mentioned a “next date” just like he did, and I texted 3 days after the date. There’s no way he doesn’t know I’m interested. Yesterday he liked my picture on Instagram but that’s it. No real conversation since Monday and it’s already Saturday. I’m feeling better now. Still disappointed because I really liked and vibed with him but I can’t keep being the only one approaching.
 

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Wow that provided me with a lot of food for thought. But just a quick comment, the date was almost 5 hours. And we only stayed at the party for 2ish. I think it was well balanced and we had fun with his friends or not.
But that doesn’t matter really because I think you’re and the others are right. It’s just that the fact that he wasn’t sure if I wanted to be kissed makes me think that maybe he isn’t sure if I’m into him, but it makes no sense since I approached him, I also mentioned a “next date” just like he did, and I texted 3 days after the date. There’s no way he doesn’t know I’m interested. Yesterday he liked my picture on Instagram but that’s it. No real conversation since Monday and it’s already Saturday. I’m feeling better now. Still disappointed because I really liked and vibed with him but I can’t keep being the only one approaching.
Glad you are feeling better. Hopefully he will just stay away rather than be the guy who gives mixed signals or tries to keep you around for whatever reason.
 

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Honestly I like how people get what I mean in this group. All my friends keep telling me that he’s interested and that I’m overthinking, but honestly I don’t feel like I am.
Well, actually you are. The people here may be right about the guy, but you don't need to be wracking your brain about him.

You met him at his band's first gig, right? If they are trying to get going, I imagine that all weekends are booked. It makes sense that the next time he'll be able to see you is when he's doing a show near where you live.

My impression is that he's just going with the flow, wherever it takes him.
 

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Discussion Starter · #39 · (Edited)
Well, actually you are. The people here may be right about the guy, but you don't need to be wracking your brain about him.

You met him at his band's first gig, right? If they are trying to get going, I imagine that all weekends are booked. It makes sense that the next time he'll be able to see you is when he's doing a show near where you live.

My impression is that he's just going with the flow, wherever it takes him.
Yeah so lmao I think a bit of communication goes a long way. I sent him a text saying that I saw his lack of effort as lack of interest and wished him good luck with everything. It was a nice text in a non accusatory way. He replied saying sorry, that he’s a very reserved person (his friend also told me about him being very reserved at the party), and that he’s glad to know what I’m expecting from him and he feels more open now for communication. Then we met again last night, we went to a park to see the city lights from far (quite romantic). Then we talked more about it. He said he isn’t really good at texting much because he doesn’t like to know someone through typed words, and that if I like FaceTiming. He said that since the first date was so great that he assumed I knew he liked me 🤦‍♀️ and I told him that since I was the one that reached out first TWICE, then I assumed he wasn’t interested. He thanked me for giving him another chance 🥹
We finally had our first kiss 🤭 and he’s still mentioning things that makes me think he wants to keep me around and honestly I want to keep him around too. It has been good so far :)
 
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