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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I met this guy two months ago in his first show (we have friends in common) and he wouldn’t stop looking at me at the show, so I approached him to congratulate him and we exchanged Instagram. We never really talked but after a month I asked if he wanted hang out. He said yes and that I made an impression on him at his show and that he would love to know me better. After that we didn’t talk for 6 days prior the date.

We live 1:30 hours away and I had to go to his city to see my friends, so we hung out this past Friday. I parked at his place, met his roommates and he drove me to dinner. He didn’t want to split the bill (he paid the $100 bucks bill), then after dinner he asked if I wanted to go to his friends birthday party and we went. There was a lot of people and I’m pretty social so I got along with everyone I talked. He initiated the cuddling and hugging at the party, we talked the entire time (no awkward silence), laughed a lot and had way too many things in common. During the date he also kept mentioning things like “you will get to know me better”, “when I get my drum set you can play”, you know? Things that made me think that he’s interested in keeping me around. After the party he took me to his studio and we played music together.
And when I got home he texted me this: “that was a fun night I like talkin to ya, I wanted to kiss you but couldn’t tell if you wanted that lol my bad I’m bad at reading people. Hope your party is fun”

I replied something like “yeah sometimes I’m hard to read but you can kiss me next time”

I only mentioned “next time” because he wouldn’t stop talking about things we would do in the future during the date. Also worth mentioning that he’s the most gentleman man I’ve ever seen! He was polite, made me feel comfortable. We had an instant connection.

Everything awesome except that he told me that he’s coming to my town on October 26th for a show he’s playing and I should definitely come.
But the thing is… October 26? 😭 it’s in more than a month away. Do you think that he’s interested? It felt like it, but he should want to hang out before then right? :/

And another and important thing… three days after the date I texted him commenting something about Wordle (because he told me at the date that I should text him about Wordle of the Day because we both play) and we had a nice conversation about other things. The issue is…. I feel like if I don’t text him, he never will. I decided not to text again until he does because I feel like if someone is truly interested they will reach out and so far it feels like I’ve been the only one doing it.

what do you all think?
 

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Agree with Mr Married... The guy might be right for you but don't get too excited too fast. From your description, he and you are in different places right now. Have the second date, see how it goes. But be prepared to cut him lose if he doesn't meet your desire half way.
 

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Discussion Starter · #4 · (Edited)
Agree with Mr Married... The guy might be right for you but don't get too excited too fast. From your description, he and you are in different places right now. Have the second date, see how it goes. But be prepared to cut him lose if he doesn't meet your desire half way.
Thank you! I agree! Why do you think he kept talking about us doing things in the future though? And took me to meet his friends?
 

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Thank you! I agree! Why do you think he kept talking about us doing things in the future though?
I would advise being cautious when a guy does that too early. It could be a bad sign.

I’m not trying to squash your excitement, guys are just basically idiots who run their mouth too much sometimes. (source: I’m a guy). It could be totally innocent behavior from a young guy.

It could just be his “in the moment” persona.

Read up on “Future Faking”.
 

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I find I get what I want by not playing games.

So if you want to text him text. If you feel like it’s his turn then don’t. If you are texting and want to see him sooner than later just say do.

I’m always amazed at people so worried about what someone else thinks the ‘rules’ are.

Here’s the thing not every guy is the same. Some are jerk wads looking to get laid and will text/ ask every girl they run into just trying to up the odds of getting laid. Some are very confident and will pursue you. Others are not as confident and need some encouragement.

So match your style to what suits you.
 

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I would advise being cautious when a guy does that too early. It could be a bad sign.

I’m not trying to squash your excitement, guys are just basically idiots who run their mouth too much sometimes. (source: I’m a guy). It could be totally innocent behavior from a young guy.

It could just be his “in the moment” persona.

Read up on “Future Faking”.
Totally agree. He is also an entertainer I assume. This means he is like 99% or so a narcissitic type of person.
And you did mention , you're very social and you got along with everyone... why is that important to get along with everyone????
This is not a question to be answered. It is just an indicator, that you are a bit narcissitic yourself and therefore voulnerable to fall for natcissists....

What I learned is, if a man doesn't approach you or does nothing to get to know you after you did, he'll also want put any effort in your relationship.
He just proves your not worth it to him. He is busy with something more important in his life and on his mind (his career, friends, his mum...) and he isn't mature enough for a proper relationship. And immaturaty correlates with narcissism...
 

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I met this guy two months ago in his first show (we have friends in common) and he wouldn’t stop looking at me at the show, so I approached him to congratulate him and we exchanged Instagram. We never really talked but after a month I asked if he wanted hang out. He said yes and that I made an impression on him at his show and that he would love to know me better. After that we didn’t talk for 6 days prior the date.

We live 1:30 hours away and I had to go to his city to see my friends, so we hung out this past Friday. I parked at his place, met his roommates and he drove me to dinner. He didn’t want to split the bill (he paid the $100 bucks bill), then after dinner he asked if I wanted to go to his friends birthday party and we went. There was a lot of people and I’m pretty social so I got along with everyone I talked. He initiated the cuddling and hugging at the party, we talked the entire time (no awkward silence), laughed a lot and had way too many things in common. During the date he also kept mentioning things like “you will get to know me better”, “when I get my drum set you can play”, you know? Things that made me think that he’s interested in keeping me around. After the party he took me to his studio and we played music together.
And when I got home he texted me this: “that was a fun night I like talkin to ya, I wanted to kiss you but couldn’t tell if you wanted that lol my bad I’m bad at reading people. Hope your party is fun”

I replied something like “yeah sometimes I’m hard to read but you can kiss me next time”

I only mentioned “next time” because he wouldn’t stop talking about things we would do in the future during the date. Also worth mentioning that he’s the most gentleman man I’ve ever seen! He was polite, made me feel comfortable. We had an instant connection.

Everything awesome except that he told me that he’s coming to my town on October 26th for a show he’s playing and I should definitely come.
But the thing is… October 26? 😭 it’s in more than a month away. Do you think that he’s interested? It felt like it, but he should want to hang out before then right? :/

And another and important thing… three days after the date I texted him commenting something about Wordle (because he told me at the date that I should text him about Wordle of the Day because we both play) and we had a nice conversation about other things. The issue is…. I feel like if I don’t text him, he never will. I decided not to text again until he does because I feel like if someone is truly interested they will reach out and so far it feels like I’ve been the only one doing it.

what do you all think?
I think it's best you back off the texting. I think he is interested in you but he may have other interests as well. If he's playing in public he's getting a lot of social exposure. He may be busy between now and then. I think it's a good idea to back off the texting for one reason so you don't seem desperate but for an even better reason which is to see what he will do. That's how you find out what his habits are. Maybe he's not an especially big texter or something.

You'll soon find out. My guess is even if he neglects to text you he probably will still be glad to see you.
 

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Thank you! I agree! Why do you think he kept talking about us doing things in the future though? And took me to meet his friends?
Once upon a time in college, I dated briefly a woman who was an accomplished classical musician majoring in music. Her life was her music and she had little time for men. I was one of the first boys her age she had dated. She was use to being taken out by men 15 to 20 years older than me. I think she just wanted to see what men her own age did on dates so she could relate to her girl friends on campus.

The point of the story is that we had a couple dates and stopped dating. Then out of the blue, I got a letter from her inviting me to attend a recital she was staring in at the campus auditorium. I went, because of the invitation. She had no idea who I was, she just wanted to fill the hall.

The guy is focused on his music. You obviously spoke his language, the two of you played some music together. You were "comfortable." Yes, he would like you to fill the place he is playing as that will help advance his career. Right now he doesn't really emotionally care about being close to you or anyone. You are not going to be able to change things or his priorities.

Good luck.

P.S. ....about 30 years later I was being honored at a University lunch along with many others for my service to the University. After graduating from that university school of music she went to the Juilliard School of Music and for several years played professionally across the country, she came back to the University and became their department of music chairman. The lunch was arranged by tables, she was siting at the Music Dept. table as their chairperson, I was at one of the Engineering Dept. tables.

After the ceremony, I walked over to her, offered my hand and greeted her name and said hello. I had a name tag, so I didn't feel I needed to introduce myself. She looked surprised, but her body language showed me that she recognizing my being there mean I had either been a donor to a department or of some service to the university, she as the Music Department head, really didn't want to offend a possible source of money. I told her she looked well and I wished her the best. She asked where I knew her from. I told her that a long time ago when she had been a freshman at the university, we had briefly dated. She had a surprised look on her face and still had no Idea who I was. Which was fine by me as I had a lovely wife and two wonderful sons. Music was still all she seemed to live for.
 

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Discussion Starter · #14 ·
Totally agree. He is also an entertainer I assume. This means he is like 99% or so a narcissitic type of person.
And you did mention , you're very social and you got along with everyone... why is that important to get along with everyone????
This is not a question to be answered. It is just an indicator, that you are a bit narcissitic yourself and therefore voulnerable to fall for natcissists....

What I learned is, if a man doesn't approach you or does nothing to get to know you after you did, he'll also want put any effort in your relationship.
He just proves your not worth it to him. He is busy with something more important in his life and on his mind (his career, friends, his mum...) and he isn't mature enough for a proper relationship. And immaturaty correlates with narcissism...
Your comment is kind of nonsense. I only mentioned that I got along with people so you know that I had a good time with his friends and nothing bad happened at the party. How’s that a bit narcissistic? Also, he’s just starting. He only played one show for his friends, it was something small. He’s someone who really enjoys doing music and wants to share, that’s all.
 

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Discussion Starter · #15 · (Edited)
I think it's best you back off the texting. I think he is interested in you but he may have other interests as well. If he's playing in public he's getting a lot of social exposure. He may be busy between now and then. I think it's a good idea to back off the texting for one reason so you don't seem desperate but for an even better reason which is to see what he will do. That's how you find out what his habits are. Maybe he's not an especially big texter or something.

You'll soon find out. My guess is even if he neglects to text you he probably will still be glad to see you.
I agree. He isn’t playing around though. That show was small and this one he’ll play in my town will be the second one and also for friends and friends of friends. So he’s not that busy with shows.

i agree though that I need to backoff. I’m also trying to figure if he’s just not that good at texting because he’s was so attentive, initiated most of things, didn’t let me pay for anything, introduced me to his friends and roommates, was respectful and sent a sweet text after the date. That’s a huge contrast to how I feel like he’s acting now. But at the same time, I might had not given him space yet to initiate conversations? I fell in my guts that he won’t text or maybe it’s just my anxious attachment telling me this.

one thing worth mentioning though is that we met on Friday, and on Saturday I was going to have a party with my friends. He asked about the party a few times and it felt like he wanted to be invited. I kinda feel like he was a bit disappointed that i didn’t invite him. Later on i realized that I forgot to mention that it was a girls night out kind of party.

He also kept mentioning for me to stop by his job on Saturday to play music together (he works in a music store). I never told him I’d stop by and I didn’t.
 

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I agree. He isn’t playing around though. That show was small and this one he’ll play in my town will be the second one and also for friends and friends of friends. So he’s not that busy with shows.

i agree though that I need to backoff. I’m also trying to figure if he’s just not that good at texting because he’s was so attentive, initiated most of things, didn’t let me pay for anything, introduced me to his friends and roommates, was respectful and sent a sweet text after the date. That’s a huge contrast to how I feel like he’s acting now. But at the same time, I might had not given him space yet to initiate conversations? I fell in my guts that he won’t text or maybe it’s just my anxious attachment telling me this.

one thing worth mentioning though is that we met on Friday, and on Saturday I was going to have a party with my friends. He asked about the party a few times and it felt like he wanted to be invited. I kinda feel like he was a bit disappointed that i didn’t invite him. Later on i realized that I forgot to mention that it was a girls night out kind of party.

He also kept mentioning for me to stop by his job on Saturday to play music together (he works in a music store). I never told him I’d stop by and I didn’t.
Reading this, it's possible he’s thinking the same thing that you are.
I tried to connect and spend more time with her but she kind of brushed me off. Is she really into me? I should give her space.

Ha. Well the way forward is the same. Baby steps.

Best of luck to you @Danielle01
 

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Him showing you off to his friends on a first date is kinda odd. I wonder if he’s gay and trying to stay in the closet? Look up “Being a beard”.
 

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what do you all think?
Honestly, you share many interests but you live an hour and a half away.

That makes you 'GU' - Geographically Unacceptable.

He's not putting a lot of energy into pursuing you seriously probably because you live too far away. You had to reach out to him first, you had to come to his town in order for you two to even get together, and it's been you doing most of the contact and making all the effort.

He never makes an effort to come to your town just to see you, does he? But he'll tell you to "stop by" where HE works to 'play music.' The only time you've seen him is when YOU have made the effort to go to where he lives. Hell, it was the least he could have done when he bought you dinner on your date since you traveled that far to see him, so don't be too impressed that he paid for dinner. If I had to travel for an hour and a half to meet some guy and then he also expected me to split the dinner bill on TOP of that, that would have been the end of it right then and there. And honestly, introducing you to his friends at a party after you left the restaurant is hardly the same as if he took you to meet his parents - it was a perfect type of place to hang out after dinner and to be social and have fun - and the drinks were free. If you're attractive, they like taking you around their friends because it makes them look good and being with others is a great buffer zone, to be honest. But if you look like Frankenstein's bride, they won't bring you out in the sunlight and embarrass themselves, so it's not that big a deal that he took you to a friend's party. It's pretty simple but it honestly doesn't mean much at all.

People say things in the heat of the moment and that's why he was talking about 'future' things with you. The reality is that if you continue to be the one to make all the effort and do all the traveling to his town or YOU go to where he works, he'd probably love to do everything he talked about doing. But if you leave it up to HIM to be the one to think it, plan it, come to you and make it happen, then you have a better chance of shaking hands with Jesus.

I agree with the others, stop contacting him and being the only one to make things happen. But don't be surprised when he eventually disappears.

I'm just being realistic.
 

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Totally agree. He is also an entertainer I assume. This means he is like 99% or so a narcissitic type of person.
And you did mention , you're very social and you got along with everyone... why is that important to get along with everyone????
This is not a question to be answered. It is just an indicator, that you are a bit narcissitic yourself and therefore voulnerable to fall for natcissists....

What I learned is, if a man doesn't approach you or does nothing to get to know you after you did, he'll also want put any effort in your relationship.

He just proves your not worth it to him. He is busy with something more important in his life and on his mind (his career, friends, his mum...) and he isn't mature enough for a proper relationship. And immaturaty correlates with narcissism...
Oh great, yet another internet keyboard 'medical professional' who diagnoses complete strangers as "Narcissists." Gosh, I haven't seen THAT done 7,965,432 times on the internet over the last few years. It seems to be everyone's favorite go-to whenever someone isn't behaving in the way someone else wants them to.

It is SO damned overdone anymore. Get some new material, internet "doctors." You've all overplayed this one far too much.
 
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