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Discussion Starter #101
I was so tired. I am sure he felt like I was never going to consider him "enough." And to be honest, it was because he wasn't.

This is the tough thing... having someone tell you “well it’s never good enough for you” is a set up. Because “never” means if you respond that it’s not good enough they are a perpetual victim of your “bullying.” If you accept the premise they’ve won. So what really is going on?

Just gonna put this out there: part of the frustration is your dating persona vs your real persona. If you went out of your way to act unlike your normal self you’re misleading your partner. If you were a neat freak while dating and then turned into a slob, can you be honest and admit you’re a slob and you didn’t what to chase them away with your slovenliness? It’s not uncommon for people to diet, starve themselves; workout like crazy when dating but at their core just really aren’t fit or healthy eaters. They’ll quit eating right and working out because they’re over the finish line and can be who they really are. Or take a person that is sexually aggressive or overly romantic while dating than five years after marriage tells you they just aren’t that sexual and have never been.

I think some are responding to the wrong issue. It’s not that it’s never/not good enough...it’s that it’ll be never good enough because they were not presenting who they really are before marriage.


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I don’t really think he presented himself as different when we were dating. I think that we both just bought into the idea that as the woman of the relationship I was supposed to be doing the emotional labor in the relationship. I didn’t realize that eventually I would resent doing all that extra work. I was the classic enabler, and when I finally stopped enabling (because 1. Didn’t want to enable and 2. Just couldn’t do it anymore) he wasn’t able to or didn’t want to fill in the gap.
 

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I don’t really think he presented himself as different when we were dating. I think that we both just bought into the idea that as the woman of the relationship I was supposed to be doing the emotional labor in the relationship. I didn’t realize that eventually I would resent doing all that extra work. I was the classic enabler, and when I finally stopped enabling (because 1. Didn’t want to enable and 2. Just couldn’t do it anymore) he wasn’t able to or didn’t want to fill in the gap.
Emotional labour can mean a few things.
In France, in means taking on responsibility for getting things done. In the UK, it means if she did nothing but feels hard working. In the USA, it can mean either or taking primary responsibility for the emotional well being.
It always makes these conversations difficult, as all the experiences will differ. I am from the UK, when I saw women talk about "emotional labour", I took it to mean lazy and pround of it. It was an eye opener to travel.
 

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Avoidance may indeed be a legitimate posture, if the guy knows that even herculean effort on his part will not result in approval, or that the needed change is not within his realm of achievement. He is a 100-grand guy, and his wife only gives accolades to megabuck guys. He is a "plan b beta provider" and her attentions are only given to alphas.
Yes, it is all circumstancial. It is also rarely a useful phrase.
If the man is responsible for her happiness, then it makes sense if she is unhappy. He cannot force her to be happy after all.
But, it can end up being used by the man when he insists that them being happy is her responsibility.
 

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Emotional labour can mean a few things.
In France, in means taking on responsibility for getting things done. In the UK, it means if she did nothing but feels hard working. In the USA, it can mean either or taking primary responsibility for the emotional well being.
It always makes these conversations difficult, as all the experiences will differ. I am from the UK, when I saw women talk about "emotional labour", I took it to mean lazy and pround of it. It was an eye opener to travel.

For me it means mostly taking on responsibility for getting things done, but I also took on primary responsibility for the emotional well being of our relationship. Definitely wasn’t / am not lazy, and I would never be proud of it. And we are from the US.
 

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For me it means mostly taking on responsibility for getting things done, but I also took on primary responsibility for the emotional well being of our relationship. Definitely wasn’t / am not lazy, and I would never be proud of it. And we are from the US.
I remember moving to Belgium and when women there spoke of coming home from work to be in charge of the housework, I assumed it was in the same way that British women did. But, they were actually physically doing it and taking the responsibility. When the "Why Didn't you Ask" cartoon was doing the rounds, it was hard to explain the difference in situation between women in France/Belgium and the UK.

My current wife described herself as an empath, and it was an immediate red flag! It turns out that rather than being so wrapped up in her own feelings that she was oblivious to other peoples's she was actually very aware of other peoples' feeling.

There terms get abused, that I can get over touchy! Sorry!
 
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