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Go time...and time to go. Sucks...

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824K views 1.3K replies 118 participants last post by  dymo  
#1 · (Edited)
So...been through Sex In Marriage, Coping With Infidelity, and now here I am. Divorce. One could say TAM has failed me and my marriage...but I know that couldnt be further from the truth...my W did that. My thread has been a roller coaster ride for almost a month now. And my life has been that for nearing three months. With the help of this forum, professionals and friends, I find myself serving my STBX papers coldly and calmly, as if it were easy.

But it isn't. As much as she has acted as a cold and heartless succubus with no conscience in these last few months, I know deep down that isn't true, as I loved her and took care of her for 8+ years, and received the same and more from her the entire time...before the change came. My friends and family have told me (pretty much ALL of them, separately) that they never would have expected her to do what she did to me these last few months (cheated, lied, denied, blameshifted, lied, cheated again, lied more, projected, lied, and guilted ME for it). They all told me how fiercely loyal she was...and I agreed, and pointed out how much I always loved that about her. She would punch Pacino in the d**k if he said anything bad about me (proverbially, of course...but seriously, she would have done it if necessary.)

A couple years of regular work travel, and one day it's all over. And now she is too, as are we. She became infatuated with some dou**e selling her a story of why I am not deserving of such a sexy, fantastic, fun-loving girl, actually fell in love with him over a few months of chronic texting, ph calls and video chat sex (and then PA) on the road, and handed over our marriage to him. I felt it, gathered evidence and tried to stop it, but she chose to continue and let it happen against my strongest wishes...testing my strength.

My strength, which I didn't remember I had, my friends and this forum have brought me here. I am gone, moved out, shocked that my months of overtures, pleas, then calm demands and demonstration of massive self-improvement for the sake of our marriage have gone essentially unnoticed and disrespected. She has no money (at the moment at least), no dogs (we've raised and loved two from pups over the last 7+ years) and now she has to maintain a house she can't easily afford by herself now that I've moved out.

Now I'm sending process servers to make the clock start ticking...because she is showing me she doesn't CARE that she f***ed some guy while married to me, her husband, lover, friend. She wants me to think it's my fault SHE did these things. The things I had to do to discover proof of this are "sick" to her.

And tonight I find myself knowing I'm doing the right thing...but also having a hard time blocking out all the good memories...there are so many. What do I do with them? Sell them on craigslist? Feel so strong about 95% of the time...then I accidentally run across a picture or two as I'm setting up my computer gear in my new apt, and I'm crying w my dogs for an hour. Grown man, in charge of the sitch, many steps ahead of her at this point in the D. But wish I could take that 5% and shove it up her *** for what she's done to my great memories. I want them all back so I can throw them away. But I can't. The good times were great, but she is gone now, and now so am I...all I hear from her now is how I'm a (insert your negative descriptor) for effing with people's lives, never anything about her months of planned adultery being wrong in any way.

Tomorrow is attempt number two for her to be served. Hope she answers the door this time. Let's get this ball rolling so I can feel good again. Different every day, forgive my apparent weakness for love lost...

My attorney tells me to put being "nice" right out of my head...does it get easier to do that, or am I in for months of method acting to end this (newly defined) sham of a marriage?

No pun intended. FML.
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#2 ·
What you are going through is all part of the process of grieving the loss of your marriage.

Dont worry about her not being served right away. Let your lawyer deal with it. Your wife is not the first to avoid being served.
 
#3 ·
This is all too sad, I can't believe the bull sh!t women fall for. I've been around a long time now and have seen the low class guys and the lines women will go for. I've seen everything from older married women to newlyweds go for a line that that no one could possibly believe. I know what the dirt bags are thinking but for the women to buy into it is incomprehensible. And they have to know they are risking everything for someone who is just looking to get laid.

Good luck Sham, sure wish this had turned out differently..........

Chap
 
#4 ·
Shamwow said:
But it isn't. As much as she has acted as a cold and heartless succubus with no conscience in these last few months, I know deep down that isn't true, as I loved her and took care of her for 8+ years, and received the same and more from her the entire time...before the change came. My friends and family have told me (pretty much ALL of them, separately) that they never would have expected her to do what she did to me these last few months (cheated, lied, denied, blameshifted, lied, cheated again, lied more, projected, lied, and guilted ME for it). They all told me how fiercely loyal she was...and I agreed, and pointed out how much I always loved that about her. She would punch Pacino in the d**k if he said anything bad about me (proverbially, of course...but seriously, she would have done it if necessary.)
Click to expand...

You know, I didn't realize that this part of her existed. The loyal protector. So now you're dealing with the sudden realization that the last eight years were possibly just a lie, or at least that has to be a major thread in the mind's processing of what is going on. On top of that, you suddenly have to redefine Shamwow. Who is this new guy, who no longer has a devoted wife by his side, at least mentally?

I don't know if it can mean much now, but you pushed through the confrontation in a way that can truly start the process of re-defining yourself on a good foundation. A man that you can be proud of. Wouldn't it take a pretty shallow person to never grieve the loss of what seemed so pure until just recently? In order to let her go, you have to let yourself mourn. Soon though, you'll begin to see that you deserve happiness, and deserve something great, but you will want it on your terms, when you are ready for it.

I'm rooting for you.
 
#23 · (Edited)
Halien said:
On top of that, you suddenly have to redefine Shamwow. Who is this new guy, who no longer has a devoted wife by his side, at least mentally?
Click to expand...
Totally asking the same thing. Not because I don't feel put together right now. Just a good question.

Came home to my apt for the third straight night, and it kinda hit me that I'm essentially single now. I have my own place, and when all's said and done each day, at night it's just me. No one to bs with and relax with but me (and the dogs). Different way to live after so many years.

Gotta declare the new me I guess. Think outside the box. Hopefully I'm awesome.

Hitting the gym hard tomorrow morning, I know that much.
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#5 ·
Good lord, Sham, you made me cry. You are a fine young man. And a gentleman. I'm glad you have TAM to help support you through this next unfortunate phase. It's really a privilege to follow along, and watch your strength and confidence build. Thanks for sharing your journey with us.
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#7 ·
Right, sham-get the "nice" out of your head. Like it or not, a state of war exists.

P.S.- Let's hope this thread doesn't grow like a 1950's B-grade horror flick atomic experiment gone wrong!:D

We're here for 'ya, bro!
 
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#8 ·
Shamwow said:
But it isn't. As much as she has acted as a cold and heartless succubus with no conscience in these last few months, I know deep down that isn't true, as I loved her and took care of her for 8+ years, and received the same and more from her the entire time...before the change came. My friends and family have told me (pretty much ALL of them, separately) that they never would have expected her to do what she did to me these last few months (cheated, lied, denied, blameshifted, lied, cheated again, lied more, projected, lied, and guilted ME for it). They all told me how fiercely loyal she was...and I agreed, and pointed out how much I always loved that about her. She would punch Pacino in the d**k if he said anything bad about me (proverbially, of course...but seriously, she would have done it if necessary.)
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Click to expand...
As the news slowly began to trickle out about my pending divorce, many individuals in both mine and my ex-husband’s life were shocked.

Shamwow, you probably did not marry a horrible person. Somewhere along the line she become unhappy and chose selfish ways to find happiness. There are times when those choices cause damage to where the relationship it beyond repair.

A friend offered these consoling words to me while trying to recover from the emotional pain of my divorce, “Sometimes when an individual is not happy, they can behave in a very undesirable way. It doesn’t make them a bad person, just a person who made bad choices.”

Take care!
 
#20 ·
TotoWeRNotInKansasAnymore said:
As the news slowly began to trickle out about my pending divorce, many individuals in both mine and my ex-husband’s life were shocked.



A friend offered these consoling words to me while trying to recover from the emotional pain of my divorce, “Sometimes when an individual is not happy, they can behave in a very undesirable way. It doesn’t make them a bad person, just a person who made bad choices.”

Take care!
Click to expand...
She was on the road too long, resulting in too many lonely nights. Partied too much for company, drank too much, outcome too predictable. If she isn't suffering now, which I think she is, she soon will be. And that's sad too.

Chap
 
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#9 ·
Sham- You've very clearly described how I feel about my wife. Circumstances are different, but you and I both seem to be in the same place. We didn't marry a lie. We didn't marry bad people. We just didn't get to see how unhappy they had become, because they couldn't face it themselves. The irony in this is that the selfish things they have done to be happy will make them more unhappy with themselves in the long run. It is the only justice in the process. We are better off in all of this facing these feelings upfront. They have a much longer and harder road to travel.

You can't continue to be nice. They want that to make themselves feel better. Be an ass and do it because it is how you feel. They deserve it, right?

GearHead
 
#10 ·
gearhead65 said:
The irony in this is that the selfish things they have done to be happy will make them more unhappy with themselves in the long run. It is the only justice in the process. We are better off in all of this facing these feelings upfront. They have a much longer and harder road to travel.
GearHead
Click to expand...

I believe this to be true, but what I don't agree with is that the suffering of our ex's is somehow justice we should enjoy. To me it's just more sad. Sure they've hurt us and we want to react to this pain, but during my various separations, I didn't once "enjoy" the suffering and pain my ex was going through.

I don't understand this sentiment.
 
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#12 ·
Sham, you have done yourself proud. You handled your wife the proper way. I went through a break up (not marriage) when I was very young where my girlfriend cheated on me and chose to leave. I handled it poorly. I begged and pleaded and was very weak. A few months later I was told by friends that if I had been strong, she probably would have come back to me. Many years (20 years) later this former girlfriend told me that she regrets that she cheated on me. I regret that I was weak.

For some reason, I feel that your wife is going to come back to you. She will wake up and regret what she has given up. It will be up to you to decide what your response to her will be.

One thing for sure, if she does come back and you decide to give the marriage another chance, she will know the consequences. She will know that infidelity really is a deal breaker. She will respect you for being a strong man. She will love you more.

I wish you the best. I admire your strength. I hope in the future that I never have to deal with what you did, but if I do, I will remember your story. It will give me strength just like it will do for many others who you have shared your story with.
 
#13 ·
She done got served.

Phew...now we're officially moving forward. For some reason I was starting to fear she'd serve ME and file first if I dragged my feet any longer, not that I'd care really, but why lose the momentum I have on my side if I can avoid it?

Interesting, she texted to tell me the papers arrived, but they looked identical to what she already has - the Summary and Petition for Dissolution of Marriage that I signed and left on the table 2 weeks ago when I left. (I presume they are, they are just now officially delivered and the clock is now ticking on the 30 day response time she has). She said her attorney needs the Marital Termination Agreement to move forward. It's my understanding that is one of the LAST things we do before the divorce is final. Leads me to believe she truly did hire Lionel Hutz, or...just maybe...she doesn't actually have an attorney yet. My response was to ask her to have her attorney contact mine to clear up any confusion and move forward. Curious to hear from my guy if he actually hears from someone. Either way, tick, tick, tick.

Anyway, prob wasn't worth mentioning that, I've sent a note to my guy telling him all that. But since I feel like I'm in some kind of TV movie where things like this actually take place, I figured I'd share my mild amusement. Have a good day y'all, she done got served. Is this S-Day?
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#18 ·
Maybe it's the word "justice" - as if the consequence to the Wayward spouse makes our pain easier somehow, because it doesn't. They will feel the sting of their actions, and it will hurt them someday. Probably worse than it hurt us because there is guilt in addition to loss. Feeling it is important for them to grow as people. But it's all just tragic and unnecessary. There is no justice. There is maybe personal growth. There is pain and sadness. But no justice. Everyone losses.
 
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#22 ·
F-102 : I think this is a very good point. Its about taking responsibility for where you are. Its a common theme in my couseling sessions. Even when they seem to regret what has happened, it seems a lot of spouses play the blame game, or plainly feel like this all just "happened to them". Unless they are able to take responsbility for their situation they will never be able to take control of their lives and move in a positive direction.
 
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#25 ·
Shamwow said:
And tonight I find myself knowing I'm doing the right thing...but also having a hard time blocking out all the good memories...there are so many. What do I do with them?
Click to expand...
I was with my stbx for 42 years. We have two sons and I have an abundance of joyful and happy memories. If I suppress those good memories then I suppress the vast majority my happy life experiences from the time I was just eighteen to what I am now, 62. And sure I got hurt in that time as well, so I have both good and bad memories. So how do I handle it all?

First off I say to myself I love the woman I knew, I couldn’t love the woman she became. So in my mind I see two women and they are very distinct from one another. Like they are two different people in the same body.

I have made a video of 3,000 photos from 1968 when we first met to 2009 when we separated along with music of the times. I am able to sit back and watch that video and have it bring tears of joy into my eyes because I am thinking “I loved that woman, I couldn’t love the woman she became.”.

I hope that in some way helps you with your memories.
 
#26 · (Edited)
AFEH said:
I have made a video of 3,000 photos from 1968 when we first met to 2009 when we separated along with music of the times. I am able to sit back and watch that video and have it bring tears of joy into my eyes because I am thinking “I loved that woman, I couldn’t love the woman she became.”.

I hope that in some way helps you with your memories.
Click to expand...
This is exactly what broke me down the other night. Couple of pictures from a great vacation, all was so happy. Made me SO MAD that she could forget that, hide her growing unhappiness, and give in to some fantasy bs and step out of our marriage. All the good times, the plans for the future, all of it. Not sure if it did me good to break down over that, but I know I've been generally down since then.

I did bust my a** at the gym today, that helped some, and heading to watch the ballgame (read "watch my team lose again") this afternoon w some friends, I'll try to put this crap out of my head in the meantime. I know it's only been a couple weeks since I left, but being moved into my new place brings some stark reality to the situation. Sad thing is, I feel like I miss her. I know the "her" in my house right now wouldn't live up to the girl I miss, but I truly do miss her anyway. I miss having a partner. That's my cross to bear at the moment, I know it'll take a long time, just wish it was a year from now and I could skip this mess.

And wow, 42 years...can't even imagine, wish this stuff didn't have to happen to anyone.
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#27 ·
You are doing absolutely the right things with the exercise. You’ve probably a lot of anger in you and it does need a release. I got two big punch bags and knocked sh!te out of them. I used the anger to get really fit. It’s good to eat well, healthy and to take care of your spirit and soul in a way that suits you.

Next time you feel the emotions coming on try thinking “This too shall pass”.
 
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#28 ·
Tough stuff, but hang in there Shamwow! You have been a solid rock throughout your ordeal and it will get easier, but it is only time at this point. You have to stay busy, work, the baseball, your doggies, the workouts, just keep rolling. Maybe you can even take up a hobby that you were interested in and never pursued for whatever reason, but stay moving.

I sit here myself in a apartment all alone, lonely after 35 years of marriage and if I did not have music to listen to and a real intense hobby I think I would lose it all. Football is back so that will keep me going until the end of winter.

I have a very strong feeling that the STBX is very sad right now, I feel in my heart for some reason that she now has hit the end of the ride on the "fantasy" train and it has pulled into the station. It is time to get off now and face the music that she wrote.

You will hear from her very shortly. Reality has now struck hard on both ends and it is brutal when it does.

Most of all take care of yourself!
 
#31 · (Edited)
Thanks, sounds like we're in similar boats right now. How long have you been on your own? We shall see how the near future plays out. As for hobbies that I've always wants to take up...I've started boxing. Good for me, and good for if I ever accidentally run into the OM. :)

Other hobby I've wanted to take up is crawling into a bottle of Jim Beam, but I know that will do no good, so I've resisted that one. Beers with my buddies will have to suffice in that department.
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#29 ·
I could not even begin to imagine facing something like this after 42 or 35 years of marriage. People like you give me a reason to see things better than they are. I hate that you all are going through this after such a long time in a marriage I guess it happens at all ages. I have not been married long but it hits me hard and well nothing I can do. Sometimes I sit back and wonder if she will ever have to go through the things Im facing emotionally.
 
#30 ·
Thanks for the thoughts...for the record, I've only been married 6 1\2 years, together 8 1/2. I was referring to AFEH's post (42 yrs). Clearly it still bl*ws hard though, no matter the length of time. Argh.
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#36 ·
Sham the boxing sounds like a real grand idea and it will keep you fit and sound. Good job by you and a handy selection if you come across the OM. Judging by the support on this forum you will have a lot of folks lining up to take a good clean shot at him.:)

My story is way to long for any hope at this point; and hijacking threads is not my style; but thanks for asking. I have been on my own now for about 4 years and one half years when my wife took off to "take care'" of our 25 year old son who went on his own to go to college. She then decided never to return. The pain and emotional agony is hard to describe and I would like to say I feel better than I did after the first few months, but I would only be kidding myself as well as you. It hurts beyond description.

Stay busy, that is my best suggestion. if the mind wanders it causes way to much pain. The end of the day is the worst, when you pray for sleep so that your mind shuts off. I too have found solace in a bottle, but always keep it in moderation, it only leads to more pain.

Stay strong and busy that is your best course of action and I love the boxing. When you train picture, the OM'S face and you may become a champ!
 
#37 ·
Hey Sham

It is hard for me to give you advice here, I have never been exactly the same situation that you are in right now, although I did went trough something similar in my younger years as my then Girlfriend had cheated on me and left me for another man, I remember the devastation that I went trough at the time, I can tell in certainty that you will come out of this a much stronger man.

I went trough another life altering experience which I am not really comfortable disclosing here at the moment, but that experience kept my Wife and me living together in the same house but in practice we were separated both emotionally and physically for some number of years, this was another hard experience to go trough, I went through all the emotional stages, shock, denial, anger, resentment and eventually acceptance, we were living under the same roof but no longer as an actual married couple, you can imagine the pain.

We are now both trying hard to get back to be together, it is a Work in Progress although at this moment of time there nothing is guarantied and we may end up officially divorcing.

Take it day by day, build your life again, you are young, there is plenty of time for you for a new relationship, you came out of these last 2 weeks the best as you possibly can, you sent a very strong message to your STBX and your family and friends, you may not see it that way right now but in the long run, you will rip the benefits.

Stay Strong, find yourself a circle of friends that will support you trough this, keep doing the Gym, (stay away from the bottle tough)
go out, date (but I wold not recommend getting in to anything serious at this moment of time).

I know it sound Cliche, but that works

Stay Strong
 
#38 ·
This may help, Sham: change your image. Get new clothes, new haircut, etc.

This helped me IMMENSELY when I broke up with my 1st "serious" GF some 20 yrs. ago. It made me feel like a new person, and-it opened up new opportunities (if you know what I mean;)).
 
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#39 ·
New haircut...check. New designer specs...check. New biceps and pecs...check. New clothes...some...check. The clothes are more out of necessity as I've lost a lot of weight in the last few months. Considering hiring someone to help me redesign my wardrobe once I get to my goal weight (10-15 more lbs) and start showing off the goods. I get lots of compliments these days on the new look so far...from people I know as well as being hit on by strangers occasionally when out with friends. Kinda fun. I want more of that. Keeps me walking taller.

But yeah, I wanna redesign this sucker from the ground up. Sham 2.0 in full effect. Had wanted to give that gift to my W if things had turned out differently ("wanna test drive the new Harley?"), but now she will just have to see what she is missing. :)
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#41 ·
Sham

I was thinking about you wife's comments about you and the OMW. It is very doubtful that
she has spoken to the OMW so the only info she has been fed is from
the OM. No doubt he was feeling very vindictive when he talked to her about you

So who knows what he said
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#44 ·
Guaranteed he told my W what HE wanted her to hear. I would imagine the only person in the world (that is aware of this at least) that doesn't know the OMW's true reaction to my call...is my STBXW. Probably will stay that way too, as she wouldn't believe the truth from anyone right now.
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#42 ·
Why to self improve brother, good job.

Ask your lawyer if he has any hotty perelegals he can bring with him to court.
I'm thinking of you sitting in court across from your stbx with 2 hotties between you and you all GQ looking.

Talk about seeing whats she's missing?
 
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#50 ·
Shamwow said:
I'm a gossip topic now. Any pointers?
Click to expand...
Yes, keep doing exactly what you`re doing.

I broke up with my last Ex (Before marriage) when we worked together.
She spent every spare second absolutely trashing me ( lousy in bed, tiny ****, *******, idiot...)
I never uttered a word about her or the break up to a single soul.

14 years later we still work together and most of the people who were around to hear her vitriol have come to me at one point or another to state that the way I handled myself during her ranting bull**** gave them a great deal of respect for me.

She still does it to a point to this day when my wife is at a company function or comes in to see me and I can see everyone else just roll their eyes like they can`t believe this idiot is still going on with this **** 14 years later.

Do exactly what you`ve been doing.
 
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#49 · (Edited)
So, went for a total "guy afternoon" today. Watched the football game with one of my friends and a group of "his friends" that I've met but don't know really well. It was really fun, but it was a huge dose of single maleness, if that makes sense. Half the guys are married, the other half are hopelessly content bachelors, pushing 40 and acting like 18 year olds (video games, shooting each other in the junk with nerf dart guns, fart jokes, you get the picture). Not judging, it was fun, but clearly I'm going to have to reinvent some new friend circles that play like grownups too. (I tend to act like a teenager when I hang around my friends that I've known since those days too, so I totally get it)

Anyway, didn't plan to talk at all about my situation, though I'm sure a few of them knew, besides my friend that invited me. Then another guy showed up, who I know a little better than the others. I said hey, he said hey, then he said "sorry to hear about things, man." turns out he was at the volleyball party thing last Monday that my W went to. I think I hid it well, but I didn't like that outer circles of acquaintances know what's up. This marks the first person to give me their condolences, that I didn't presume already knew (or that I had talked to). Guess I have to get used to it and eventually it won't get to me.

He asked me a few questions and I kept it vague (while also stating my position in the leaving), said something like "well, you know man, there's only a few reasons to make a man leave, let's just say I had to leave." of course he understood what I meant. Feels weird to have to keep up damage control at this point, but I guess as long as I continue to play it cool and
not lay out the sob story, as well as look strong in my decision (and not look downtrodden about it), I'll come out on top in the respect department. Sad though. I'm a gossip topic now. Any pointers?

Also turns out he's been considering leaving his wife for a year and a half, they've been back and forth the whole time...but they have kids, and are taking things slow. Also, the cable guy that hooked up my tv and Internet today asked where I moved from. Told him across town...brief pause..."separated from my wife, needed to find a new home base." so HE tells me that he and his wife just split up in July, we swapped a few stories and made that unfortunate bond. I must really be in the grown up world if I now share in this most adult of unfortunate situations...good to know we're not alone, huh?
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#51 ·
Just say thank you and change the subject. I found that some who approached me where just trying to glean more info. Nothing like someone else's problems huh?
 
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