Staying In A Marriage For Social Reasons

If everyone already knows, why would a legal separation change anything? Did she give any insight into that?

I suspect you are not that unusual. The fact that you were willing to live in that situation so long leads me to wonder if you will be able to go through with true separation when the time comes. I guess it's me but I can't imagine wasting so much of my life living like that, without the possibility of finding someone new. Is this a cultural thing? That makes some sense to me but it doesn't sound like it because at least now you are talking about braking up. Again just me but I can't understand any social reasons to deprive myself of the possibility of having a real loving partner, especially if you are just going to do it later anyway. But like I said I suspect this is common for lots of people. I think probably most of the times because change is hard and scary maybe too scary for some. From your post though it sounds more like you stayed for the kids, that at least makes some sense to me.

Can I ask what was the catalyst for your marriage to end up like this? Was it an event that did it or did you slowly fall into this situation?

Again your wife's reaction seems just as strange to me, did she really think you would want to live like this forever? Can I ask does she work? What would be the financial impact of you both separating?

what was the driving force for the "separation" 6 years ago?
You've stayed, you've NOT be able to detach from your wife with doing all of this with her, which isn't good for you if you are really through with the marriage.

You go to parties with her with your friends? Yet they all know you are separated in all but legal form? Do you interact at the parties, or go your separate ways? I'm not sure I see the usefulness here -- you "say" that you are separated, but you do a lot together. It seems that the only thing you don't do is have sex.
You do realize that if you don't legally separate, all of the debts she incurs YOU are liable for? In certain jurisdictions, after 10 years of marriage, you will have to provide life-long alimony... You also don't get the detachment that you probably need to go forward in your life.

Have you hidden the separation from your kids, or do they know? Do they think you are still a couple, or do they realize that you are just there for them. Part of the issue there is that you give them a bad example of what marriage should be. Sounds like you need to talk to them as well.....

Yes, there are those who stay because they only want the social aspect of marriage. You sometimes see that in long marriages when divorce is off the table for whatever reason. It's not a good solution IMO but some people do choose it. Your wife was obviously hoping you'd continue.

One big concern about not divorcing or getting a legal separation is finances.

Depending on where you live, the longer you stay married, there could be a huge financial hit if one of you earns significantly less than the other.

Why did it go wrong? I'm in a similar situation... we can't sell because we wouldn't make enough money to support ourselves in the long term... so we have to wait. But at least we have 2 houses. I can see why you are doing it, but your wife sounds like mine: she wants the benefits of marriage without being married...

Lots of missing info. What brought on the separation? At any point, did either of you date another person? How did that affect things?

This does not seem common at all. Being "separate" at home but go out together even though everyone knows you're separated?

I doubt it would be all that common. I feel like many people would want to move on romantically, and bringing your GF/BF home to meet your ex who still lives with you would be pretty awkward.

I think this unofficially happens in many sexless marriages. Many such threads here mention how externally it looks like they have a great marriage, but there's no affection or intimacy of any kind. Functionally, those marriages probably look like yours. They are functionally separated even though they never actually had that discussion.

I would guess it's much less common that it happens after having the official discussion about getting separated. Once they talk about it, it seems harder to keep up appearances because of resentment. Usually the discussion happens because one person has totally reached their limit and is ready to get out.

It's my experience that this is actualy very common. Among the people I've talked to over the 20 years of talking to couples, many, MANY of them are unhappy in their marriage but want THEIR PARTNER to change...they themselves are unwilling to change anything. In other words they want to benefits of marriage but either with a partner who isn't marriage material or without themselves having to participate equally as a partner. In the both scenarios, they choose to stay and keep the status quo, but they won't be honest with themselves that they are making a choice!

My own personal opinion is that if people are honest with themselves and their partner, and they both agree to stay "for social reasons" and they both accept that--more power to 'em. It's their decision, consciously made. But if one is not marriage material and the other just keeps manipulating to "make them change" rather than accepting that they are choosing to stay for social reasons, I call 'em on it and they don't usually like that very well. Same if they are staying because they want all the benefits but aren't willing to do their part of the marriage.

I'm not saying those are GOOD reasons to stay married--just that if people choose that, it's their life. But many/most choose it but then live in denial by saying "I'm not CHOOSING to stay in a bad marriage! I'm trying to make him/her a better spouse so I can stay!" Nah. You are deliberately putting social reasons or financial reasons above your own happiness and mental health. You are deliberately choosing to remain in an unhealthy relationship. Just admit it and accept it.

People stay at jobs they hate all the time for the money. Feels like a similar situation. Except you probably have more positives out of your marriage situation than the positives one has staying at a job they loath. So really, this is extremely common when you think of it that way.

For several years I would wish for a drunk driver coming home after an all night drinking bender to take me out on my way to work. Every morning it was dread, followed by a very real desire to die. Yet every day i went back. I had really good friends there. If they weren't around, I don't know if I could have made it through those years. But i stayed because the pay and benefits. I was high or drunk basically all day every day and that helped me through it. 7 years I did this. 7 years, and the thing is i can't even call them wasted years. The pay was good and my family benefited from that during a time when we were still in massive debt from just being stupid through our late teens and early twenties with credit cards.

Sounds like you get more perks in your situation than I did. Doesn't sound like you're hoping someone kills you every single day you wake up. So I wont judge you. If it's worth it, it's not a waste.

Why the "separation"?

And is your wife dating others?

I totally understand staying for social reasons, financial reasons, the kids, etc. We like to believe that marriage is about two people who love each other so much that they choose to live together forever. It’s far more complicated than that.

OP, marriage provides all the stability of life for your wife. She is probably living in a nice house, financially stable, social and she can function in society as a couple.

She gets all the perks of being married with out having to make any effort in a marriage. Why should she want to give that up or be made to give it all up?

You have been going along with this so call arrangement for so long, that, she has accepted and thought that this is how you two will carry on after the boys leaves home. This is what she expected. Because you probably never complained, or let her know that the marriage had an date.

Now you drop this on her and she is mad because you are going to spoil her plans and mess up her life as she saw it.

I dont understand her thinking but I hope you can find some happiness in your life going forward.

What a great site! I got great feedback. Sorry for not responding sooner. I posted my message and then went away for a week. I’ve finally caught up and will now respond. If I leave any issues out, please let me know.
1.Someone wrote “lots of information missing.” Ok. Ha. You asked for it. A lot coming up right here.
2.Reasons my marriage failed/Catalyst For Breakup/Happen slowly or was there an event?
I feel no love for her or from her
She thinks I’m miserable in the marriage. But I think she’s miserable with herself: she drinks wine in excess every night (wouldn’t say she’s drunk every night. Usually at least buzzed), She smokes excessively, and she let herself go physically. If she has so many crutches, she’s not a happy with life in general and that includes me.
No affection. No intimacy.
Sexless marriage? Can somebody define that please? I wouldn’t say sexless literally. I would say sex happened once a month. Sometimes in the morning . . . after she “had her coffee.” So when it happened, it seemed like it was out of obligation. Can that be called “sexless.” Or would that be considered infrequent? Either way, it wasn’t good.
Did breakup happen slow? Or was there an event? Slow for the most part (see above reasons). However, she’s demonstrated bitterness toward my family (her in-laws) which I think is unjustified. And one time it was way over the top. Never able to get over that. Oh and she was drunk.
3.Wasting time without loving partner, without someone new: This is not the case. It was the case at first. But I do have a gf now. It’s hush-hush. Very unique. She lives more than an hour away. She’s a single mom. Her kids are a little younger than mine and she has two jobs. Demanding more time from me is not really practical for her. She’s willing it wait it out, recognizing the kids are almost grown up – hers and mine.
4.Why is my relationship hush-hush and why am I not legally separated
a.My kids know we are separated. By doing what I’ve been doing the separation has not disrupted them much. Do I set a Bad example? Yes. But I also think they’ll recognize when they get older, if not already, that dad stayed for them. They’ll appreciate it, on some level, if they don’t already. And that sets a good example. So I am setting good and bad examples for them. It’s the best I can do.
b.Finances. We can’t afford two houses . . . not if one of the houses is our current house. Whoever said it’s like staying in a “bad job” was spot on.
c.Someone here said they hoped to get taken out on the way to work by a drunk driver. I’m extremely sorry to hear that. It’s not that bad for me. And I’ve heard many other horror stories involving kids. Dad not allowed in the house. Mom late dropping off kids on the weekend. Mom late picking up the kids. Clothes thrown out window. I don’t have those issues. Not even close. If my girl friend was not hush-hush, my situation would take a dramatic turn for the worse. Because of that and because of her own situation and because of the distance between us, she’s willing to wait it out.
5.Finances
a.My wife and I both work. We both make decent $. Not rich. Comfortable I guess is the way to put it. I make a little bit more than her. Maybe this is naïve, because everyone I talk to says divorce is expensive. One guy I know tell me I’m crazy and that I’m going to be paying alimony for the rest of my life. He makes a ton and his wife does not work. So he pays his ex-wife a fortune. But if I only make a little more than her and since child support won’t last long as my youngest is 17, won’t alimony be negligible? And we split everything we have 50-50. It will be an amount in alimony that I’m happy to pay. We can’t afford two houses, but we can afford two smaller homes. Maybe an apartments. But if I pay alimony she can afford a somewhat bigger place and that would be good for my kids
b.Several people responded by saying they didn’t understand my wife’s actions and one person labeled her actions “strange.” I agree.
i.At the very beginning she said “you have to figure out what’s making you so miserable.” That annoyed me and continues to annoy me. It wasn’t and isn’t – “WE” that have to figure it out. It was “you” have to figure it out. I even saw a therapist. And she did not. In other words, she started out . . . and is still . . . waiting for me to wake up and come to my senses. She’s waiting for me to realize how good I have it with her.
ii.Parties – a lot of people though it strange that we go to parties together. I may have overstated this. I can count on one hand how many times this happens a year – a 50th birthday of a mutual friend, a 4th of July BBQ, Thanksgiving with the family (to be with our kids), etc. We don’t interact much at these functions.
iii.Whoever said she’s getting the “benefits of marriage without being married” and said she’s fine with “status quo” is spot on. I think she’s content with the situation. Doesn’t want anybody new and is fine with the way things are right now. But she won’t admit that – even to herself. Whenever I bring up legally separating, is when she gets sad.
iv.Is it possible that I’m too nice? I don’t love her, but I do like her. I don’t want to hurt her. Don’t want her to be alone. And I’m waiting for her to come to grips with the situation??? And she’s not coming to grips with it?

Hi everyone. I started this thread and got a lot of helpful feedback. I tried to post a lengthy response last night, but I still don't see it here. I wrote it as a word doc first and then copied and pasted it. Any idea of what could be wrong? I do see under forum rules there's a filter for obscenities' and the like. I can't think of anything I wrote that would require filtering. If I don't see the post soon, I will re-read it again in Word and try to address anything that could have been filtered and then I will attempt to repost. Or do posts need approval? I guess if that's the case, this message won't post right away either. Or maybe since it was a lengthy post, maybe it's taking a while to be approved. I hope it gets resolved as the responses here are helpful and I think my response will generate more helpful feedback. Thank you all.

rfd1283 said:

....while I understand why I should legally separate, I have not done so because my situation has worked for me and for my kids.

I believe she loves being married – externally, for social reasons. She doesn’t love me, but she loves keeping our friends, she loves keeping our extended family, she loves having somebody to go to games, parties with.

Click to expand...

I don't know if it's common. However, for me, it was completely accurate. She could take me out to church, family, etc. and "show me off", even though her TRUE opinion of me was that I was not attractive, and had a too-small ****....but the only one she would say that to was me.....not even to our MC... she only used other things to blame me for her adultery.....

The only restriction is word length. The "bad word" filter simply changes your bad word to something like ****, but doesn't block you from posting.

If you have over (I THINK) 20000 words, it will block it until you trim it down.

The Word document post that's missing may have something to do with how few posts you have but I'm not sure what the rules are about that.

.

Why not tell your wife about your gf (assuming she doesn't know) so she's fully aware you're serious about moving on?

ETA: I just read the part about how things would be "dramatic" if your wife knew. That tells me she fully expects you to stay so things remain as they are.

Are you sure that SHE doesn't have a secret bf on the side?

You should really meet with a few lawyers in your area -- you have a lot of questions that they should be able to clear up right away for you.

Just for your sake, get a plan together for yourself...